Thursday, November 18, 2010

Why I shouldn’t have a license

There are many reasons why I shouldn’t hold a driver’s license. I’m not a big fan of obeying traffic laws. I use the carpool lane when it’s rush hour because I’m impatient and usually late for work. I figure I can fabricate some sort of lie or excuse to justify my reason for being in the lane if I were ever to be pulled over by a cop. I run red lights at late night hours because I don’t want to wait and figure no one is usually around. I only stop at stop signs when I see another car coming; otherwise I usually treat it as a yield sign. So Yes, I’m a bad driver I know this. But here is my asterisk *; I only drive badly when it’s just me in the car. I don’t do this with passengers or when I’m borrowing someone else’s car. So friends don’t worry, your life or car is not in danger. In fact in those circumstances I am extra careful because you must always be better with other peoples’ things, which includes their bodies.
So the other day I was on my way to find a grocery store close to my work. I was waiting at a left run arrow behind a minivan and when the light turned green the van didn’t go. We sat there for a little while not moving, I thought maybe at first the driver was distracted by the pedestrian and was going to wait for them to cross but they can’t cross because our arrow is green. So I gave my horn a quick little honk. I mean I’ve been guilty of not paying attention when a light turned green. I was just giving a courtesy honk. The driver turned the corner and slowly started down the other road. I followed behind the van for awhile thinking that eventually the driver would speed up but they never did. So I got into the next lane over and sped up to the posted limit. If there are 2 lanes I might as well use the one without the slow minivan driver. We drove a few hundred yards in our separate lanes and I don’t know if this driver just snapped and decided I was somehow being obnoxious but I see in my rearview mirror the van start to speed up at a highly accelerated pace. Now I could have just ignored them and let them pass me by and hurry on their way being a jerk but this day I decided to also be a jerk. I blame my genetic tendency for road rage because I can’t even tell you how many times my Dad would chase cars down. One time my sister even followed a guy back to his house to yell at him. I lay on the gas, I decided that I wasn’t going to let this minivan be the only jerk on the road and that I wanted to join the fun too. So here we are on a 2 lane road in a business district going almost 70mph, Yes, I know completely unsafe but I wanted to see how far I could push this guy. We travel on neck and neck when the minivan finally pulls ahead and then cuts me off and starts to break. SERIOUSLY!!! I know I was being a jerk but did they actually want me to rear-end them? It would have been their fault and they would have had to pay the damages. I quickly maneuvered into the other lane they had just left vacant and avoided the accident. As I passed them turning off the road I laid on my horn and pulled out the bird. (Ok, I didn’t really do that but I did think about it. I might think mean thoughts but I don’t always act on them. Geeze people what kind of person do you take me for?)
What’s the point of this story? Well none really except I blame my father for my incidental road rage. After all my parents were my only examples on driving techniques. My Mom told me this story about a guy in a car that had made her mad so she did pull the bird on him and yelled F*CKER out the window. This story makes me laugh because my Mom doesn’t really cuss and imagining her pull this fowl gesture is somehow comforting that my isolated incidents are due to genetic programming rather than personal choices. It’s like those people that go into a blind rage and when they wake up they somehow forget they took a baseball bat to their ex’s car. I hope I don’t ever do something like that or decide to wear an adult diaper and drive half way across the country to confront a cheating boyfriend. But if I did ever snap I’d like to go crazy in a McDonald’s playground and take sanctuary in the ball pit where I could claim it my kingdom and enslave all the children to bring me fries and ice cream.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

It always feels like………somebody’s watching me

Last night I ran to the store around 9pm to get a few items I needed and while I was walking across the front of the store just below the checkout line there was a lady who might have shopped at the “Big and Tall” staring at me as I walked towards her. At first I thought perhaps she was just trying to read the words on my shirt but as I passed by I saw that she had this sort of blank expression which lead me to believe that perhaps mentally she wasn’t all there. I was weaving in and out of the isles trying to figure out where the items were that I needed and out of the corner of my eye I spotted my tall friend also in that same isle. She was looking at the items on the shelf and touching them as if reading them but I don’t think she was paying much attention. So isle after isle this pattern continued. I wasn’t sure what her fascination was with me or why I was the one she chose to follow around the store but I did have this edge of concern creep into the back of my mind. “What if she does something rash? What if she acts out and grabs me thinking I’m someone she knows? What if she tries to hug me and crushes my ribs?” maybe my thoughts were a little ridiculous but I wasn’t too sure about her mental stability. For all I know she could have just escaped from the hospital mental ward down the street and had a need to find a friend. I wasn’t about to stick around and see so I quickly got into the checkout line. As I was standing there I could feel the stare from the girl’s eyes boring into the back of my head. I turned and looked over my left shoulder and there she was with her cart inches away from my leg. I didn’t want to make any sudden movements and frighten the beast to react so I adjusted my position in line to be behind the displays stacked full of magazines and gum. Trying to hide my face I placed all the items on the conveyor belt and waited several minutes before looking around again. When I looked back over the display I noticed that the behemoth had wandered off hopefully to find another friend. As I was waiting in line at the cashiers I noticed that the clerk was coughing and not showing a very enthused attitude about being at work. When it was my turn to be rung through I made the mistake of asking, “Are you sick?” “Well I thought it was just allergies but now I think I’m really sick. See I didn’t get much sleep this week and then on the weekend it was my birthday and I stayed out really late and only slept for like 4hrs and on Sunday I went to the Chargers game and it was my birthday and blah, blah, blah, blah………..” Just sort of nodding and acting interested, “Oh, yeah? Wow? Really?” I was busy scanning the store to make sure I wasn’t going to be followed out. The cashier with her left eye pointed at the wall and me not knowing when she was asking me a direct question because her stare didn’t really indicate if she was looking at me or the display behind me I noticed that she didn’t really care to bag my items. Maybe it was because she couldn’t see that there wasn’t a bagger at the end of her line because her one eye was apparently searching space for satellites. I grabbed my items while simultaneously signing my receipt and darted out the door trying to get out of the freak show grocery store. I made quick pace to my car and threw my stuff in the back seat. When I turned around I almost ran into the 2 story tower of woman that had apparently noticed my exit from the store. “Ok, well I’m going to get in my car now.” “Where are you going Angie? I thought we were friends?” “Well my name’s not Angie and I need to get home now so if you could just step over I’d like to open my door.” She didn’t step over so I started to back up and distance myself from her, after a few paces backwards I didn’t notice the curb for the planter and fell backwards. “C’mon Angie. Let’s go to the park?” Not really wanting to go anywhere with this giant girl, I started grabbing to find a firm hold to push myself up and get up to run. But before I knew it the girl bent forward and grabbed my foot, “Let’s go. Let’s go play at the park.” With every plea she was pulling my leg...........................................just like I’m pulling yours. HA HA! Had you going there for a second didn’t I? Ok with the exception of the incident at the car everything else is true. Apparently after a certain hour the grocery store turns into Ripley’s believe it or not. Guess I’ll keep my shopping hours to daylight. Aaawwwwwooooo! (that’s the howling at the moon I heard on my way home)

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Now I work in the ghetto

Last weekend the “Service Engine Soon” light came on in my car. I wasn’t too worried about it because my car hasn’t made any funny noises or had smoke pouring from its hood, so figured it was just something small. Today I decided to get the light cleared off and get the read out from the electronics in the car because (1) the light bothers me, I hate having it stare me in the face as if warning me of impending doom that perhaps one day on the highway it’ll blow up and I’ll lose control and die. I know this won’t happen but this is what I think because I am crazy and want to be prepared for the worst case scenario. (2) I want it cleared just in case something major does go wrong with my car and I need to know but then again I’d probably notice that without the light because then I would have a hole in my engine or a burn through the hood of my car and really I’ve heard those stupid lights just short out anyway and stay on forever so what’s the point? I mean would the light really come on if the tire on my car fell off? I digress…………..I look up the nearest Pep Boys to my work because that’s the only real auto store I’ve seen in this area but on the way there I spot a AutoZone. So I pull into the parking lot and ask if they can do the read out and the guy said they aren’t allowed to do it anymore. “WHAT?!?! Are you serious?” “Yeah, they were getting on our backs for doing it so now we’re not allowed to.” Who? Who was getting on your back? Your boss? Car dealerships? because that’s the device they use to lure you back in and spend 300% more than you need to on parts that don’t really need to be replaced. I ask the clerk if there was a mechanic close by that could clear the light for me. A girl at the counter sends me to a place around the corner and says they can help. I drive up the street and don’t see anything that resembles a car mechanic shop. I turn around and come back and spot the garage with only 2 car ports. I follow the “parking’ signs to around back and park my car. I walk through the office door and there is no one in sight. I yell, “Hello?” still nothing. I begin to wander through the office and find two guys in the lounge eating. “Do you work here?” “Yeah……do you have a problem with your car?” “Well yeah…….my service light is on and I want to get it cleared.” “Oh, well we’re eating right now………….so……..” WTH??? You’re telling me you’re going to turn away a potential customer because you’re stuffing your face full of burrito? Somehow that doesn’t really seem like a good business model. The guy stands up says something in Spanish to the guy standing in the garage and then asks me to pull my car up front. I pull it up front, open the door and this guy with slicked back hair and a cigarette asks for my keys. He turns the car on and then leans in to try and find the connection point under the dash. Mean while I’m watching as the smoke from his cig is wafting into my car. REALLY?!? This guy is actually going to continue to hold his cig while trying to service my car mean while polluting the air inside my cab where I will have to sit in afterwards and smell the stench of smoke? But it gets better he then actually puts the cig back in his mouth and smokes in my car while checking the device. I’m in such shock I’m not really sure what to do. Should I just grab the cig out of his hand and throw it on the ground and lecture him about the effects of 2nd smoke and lung cancer? I was also trying to remember the Spanish phrase for No Smoking, thinking if I yelled it at him he might get the idea. Luckily the device finished reading and so then he walks back to the work bench where stacks of books are shoved under the cart and he pulls out the one for my car. Apparently using modern technology isn’t a process they use at this garage. He locates the code in the book then takes it to the original guy I spoke with who apparently is the only one that speaks English and tells me it’s (1) of three things but none that would prevent me from driving. I just won’t pass my smog test. He tells me that in order to narrow it down he’d have to have the car for at least 2hrs and seeing that they were already put out about being interrupted during lunch I get back in my car and drive off only to realize the light is still on. GREAT! Now I have to find another dealership and go through the same process. Maybe this time I’ll go after the lunch hour so I won’t inconvenience anyone and post a No Smoking sign in my car window just in case they don’t realize it’s rude.

Today's nature lesson this cuttle fish frequently walks the street of San Fransisco. Last seen at a Lady Gaga tribute show wearing the bubble dress.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Being Neighborly

This morning I was getting into my car and I hear, “Um, excuse me,” coming from the kid that was across the street. “I know you don’t know me or anything, but could you give me a ride to school?” I give the kid a look over mentally noting that he doesn’t look like a hoodlum, dressed up nice, has a backpack, football helmet in hand, likely chance that he has a gun or knife on him………less than 0.0001% “See I have this football game tonight and I need to get to school.” “What…..did you wake up late?” “Well yeah…..” “Ok, get in.” He gets in the car buckles his belt and I tell him, “You know I’m not supposed to give rides to strangers.” “Oh, well my name is Russell.” I shake his hand and head out down our street. “Don’t you have a bike to ride?” “Well I do but I let my buddy borrow it. That wasn’t pretty smart of me.” I wanted to correct him and say, “you mean ‘very smart’” but resisted the urge. His school was less than ½ a mile from our houses. “See I have my gators on today and would have made it hard to walk.” I dropped him off at the street light close to the school. “Thank you very much, God bless.” I would guess he was about 14 or 15. Young kid but bigger than I am by a good couple inches. I thought it took some gumption to ask a stranger for a ride to school but I suppose I don’t look threatening. Little does he know I have a tarp, 2 bags of lye, a shovel and a hack saw in my trunk. His next position in life will go from “tight end” to “dead end”. Muaahahahahah…….too bad I hate the sight of blood.

Nature lesson for the day Pyjama Squid. Always dressed for relaxation.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Now i have you wondering.....

In my last post i mentioned locking my keys in my car and now you're wondering, "Wait i don't remember that story." And you're right i haven't posted that one but now i will. A couple weekends ago my friend Josie came to visit and the friday she came into town we met up with another friend at a lobster festival in Long Beach. We arrived earlier than the other party of people and decided to just wait in the parking lot in the car until the others showed up. It was kind of cold outside and we wanted to listen to the radio. We got the call from Martha that she was there waiting at the gate and so we got out of the car and headed to the festival. The festival itself was pretty small but we got an entire lobster dinner for $18 and i'm not talking just tail. This was a full blown lobster antennae, eyes, legs, everything. Josie and i struggled at first trying to decide where to even start or how to break the thing open and i wasn't really sure where the actual "meat" of the thing was. But we figured it out and soon had lobster juice running down our chins and fingers. And i think the over all consenses was that lobster isn't really that great of a meal. i think i rather prefer crab. After our meal we went to go see the band that Martha had wanted to hear and consequently the only reason we were there. the band was pretty good and Josie and i decided to compare the band members to celebraties. it started because Josie thought the bass player looked like a young Dan Aykroyd and i thought the drummer looked like a young Charlie Sheen only with a bigger head. The other guitarist we decided could have been Jackie Chan's nephew but could never quite place the lead singer. We walked around the couple of booths they had and i found that if you wanted african masks or bongos this was the place to get them. almost every booth there sold some sort of wood carving. Josie and i played the squirt gun game and she won a googly eyed blue lobster and that was about the extent of activities for the festival. we were walking back to the car and when i started looking for my keys i couldn't find them. i started frantically searching my purse but had a haunting feeling they were locked in the car and most likely in the ignition and when we got back to the car my fears were confirmed. and there it was the radio lights on still playing the Old School hits. so we converged amoung our little group seeing who had a lock smith covered under their insurance. i called my carrier, Martha called hers and another girl called AAA. mine covered up to $100, Martha's didn't cover other cars and another girl called AAA. Mine covered up to $100, Martha's didn't cover other cars and AAA dispatched an agent to come open the door. As we were waiting for help to arrive we tried to find a security guard or police officer that could help us. I asked a family that was walking by if they had a slim jim in their car and was answered by one guy, “I have a rock.” And then he tried to convince me that breaking my window and replacing it was cheaper than having a locksmith coming open it. but he was soon corrected by his friend that a locksmith is only $40 and replacing a window was more expensive. And then the family began to strongly discuss the best solution to the problem and the daughters were convinced that the slim jim was the jerky you buy in the store. Anyway they provided a bit of entertainment while we waited for the locksmith. I then flagged down some police officers on a couple of Segways (and in a totally unrelated note check out this totally ironic news story). They told us that officers were no longer able to help people with keys locked in cars due to legal ramifications. So there we waited in the cold misty night air in the middle of a parking lot at the end of a street in the Port O’Call. Martha did keep us entertained with demonstrations of what here ice dancing would have looked like had she actually participated in the Winter Olympics opening ceremony in Utah. When we hit 30 min I called back my insurance company and asked what the status was of getting a local company dispatched, “Oh, we already called one and they said their ETA was 45min.” “Ok, well why didn’t you call me back and tell me this?” “Oh, we only call the customer back if the cost will be over $100.” “But then how I’m I supposed to know that there is a person on the way?” “Um……” Yeah, I buy cheap insurance. The other girl called AAA back and they said that there was someone on the way but they were lost. Another 15 min later we finally see the AAA tow truck. He pulls up to the car, “Are you here to unlock my door?” “Um, what? I was dispatched for flat tire. I don’t have the stuff to unlock a door.” WTH?!?!? Are you SERIOUS!!! I can’t believe this. Then I get a call from the guy that was dispatched from my insurance, “Where are you located?” “At Port o’ call in the middle of a parking lot.” “Do you have an address you can give me?” “Not really, I’m in the middle of a parking lot.” “Well I’m not from this area. There’s no address you can give me?” I then try to explain the directions the best I can from memory and eventually this beat up white small cab pickup pulls up and opens the door. It was past 11pm at this point and we were cold and tired and had about an hour drive back to Martha’s. I really need to purchase an extra key to my car and keep it in my wallet. Then next time I won’t have to stand there in a freezing parking lot with my fingers smelling like a bad sea food buffet.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

I just might be an idiot

Over the past weekend my car was locked inside of a parking lot. How you ask? Well let me tell you “The Story of an Idiot”. Friday night I went to go see a concert at the local Fox Theatre. Ratatat was playing the venue (which if you have not heard them they are kick ass). As I was looking for a parking spot I noticed this parking lot open. As I drove through the gate I saw the faded sign that said “Tenant Parking Only” I figured it’d be fine for a couple of hours. I mean after all what do they do when they have guests? So I go to the concert where I feel like a chaperone at a high school dance. I think the average age in the venue was 15. I mean there was a girl there dressed in a hoodie that made her look like a teddy bear. I was considering asking her if she was filled with stuffing. I rocked out at the concert, enjoyed the awesome show, and inhaled enough 2nd hand haze that I just might fail my next drug test. When I made my way back to my car I saw the gates to the parking lot were closed. “Eh, no big deal I figured. I’ll just hop the fence and drive out.” WRONG! I hopped the fence (mind you it was a 8ft high rod iron fence from which I now have a big bruise on my thigh from resting my legs on the pointed tops) started my car and drove to the gate only to find that the gates were not motion activated. You had to actually have a gate controller of some sort to open the gates. SUCK! “Now what am I going to do? Oh, I know. I’ll just leave my car here for the night and come back in the morning when the gates are going to be open. No big deal.” I walked the 2miles home and then finally went to bed around 2am. (I had a book I just had to finish) I get up the next morning put on my jogging clothes and take a quick jog down to my car. GUESS WHAT?? The gates weren’t open. CRAP!!! I walked around the building to see if anyone was around that could open that gate. No one. I soon realized that the parking lot was for the Masonic Lodge, which meant that the parking lot probably was only open when they had meetings. LAME! That meant I would have to wait till the next meeting session which wasn’t until I think Wednesday. What would I do in the mean time? Hitchhike? Ride my bike? Find a homeless man to be my rickshaw for the weekend and use Pay Day candy bars as currency? Lucky for me I didn’t have anywhere to go and so wasn’t too worried about finding a ride. I walked back home and spent the rest of the morning doing chores around the house. That afternoon I met up with some friends at the county fair which lucky for me wasn’t too far from where I lived. Not so lucky for me was I walked 30min in the wrong direction, then found out the only public access point was on the other side of the fairgrounds and that is was 105 outside. It took me an hour to finally make it to the fair and by the time I got there I could feel the sweat pouring down my back and the blisters forming on the bottoms of my feet. None the less I toughed it out and walked around the fair for 5 hrs trying to make it look like I wasn’t limping from the pain I was in. After the fair the guys I was with were kind enough to let me tag along with them to a birthday party and said they would take me home after the party was over. When we arrived at the house I excused myself to the bathroom and jumped up on the counter to assess the damage to my feet. After I washed off the black dust I found the blister on my left foot was about the size of a quarter and on the right was the size of 2 quarters side by side. I also had blisters on my heels and a little one on the inside of my right foot. I was in bad shape. The ones on the bottoms of my feet were right on the ball of my feet between my big and 2nd toe. It made walking nearly impossible. I had to walk on the edges of my feet the rest of the night, any opportunity I had to sit and rest I took the chance. When I got home I hobbled into my bathroom and popped all the blisters. The clear fluid shot out of them because the pressure was so great. The next day at church I tried to wear the most padded sandals I had and avoid standing whenever possible.
Monday I rode my bike to work praying that the gates would be open so I could move my car. Once again to my disappointment they were still shut. I actually didn’t mind riding my bike to work. The cool breeze in the morning was great. Other than having a slightly flat tire the ride was completely enjoyable. However that afternoon on the way home it wasn’t so nice. The temperature had risen to 113 and I was sweating gallons on the bike. I once again stopped by the lot to once again see that the gates were still closed. I had tried calling the Masons but only received an answering machine and had even called the emergency contact only to have it ring forever and never an answering machine nor person answer. What kind of contact is that? What if I was really in an emergency? What if I had deciphered some ancient biblical text that lead to the secret grave of Jesus’ wife that contained a bottle of water that would heal anyone who drank it? HUH?!? Then what? The world would be screwed. I went to the front door hoping it would be open. I grabbed the handle and pulled. YES!! It was open. I ran down the little steps to grab my bike just in case I had to wonder around the building looking for someone when I turned back around I hear, “Can I help you?” “OH, yes. My sister parked my car in your lot on Friday and I really need to get it out. “ (yeah, that’s right I blamed my sister. I didn’t want them to think I was the idiot) “Was she supposed to be parking there?” ok, I’m going to stop diverge from the story right there for a bit. What kind of question is that? HELLO?!? Of course she/I wasn’t supposed to park there, that’s why I’m here asking for your help to get it out. DUH! If she were meant to have parked there then I wouldn’t be sweating my ass off riding my bike when it’s 115. I would have had her just open the gate and drive my car out. “You’re lucky we didn’t tow your car. Well let’s get that gate open. I didn’t realize I left this door open (commenting to his friend).” “Thank you.” I realized that apparently I was lucky at all that the door was open. I walked back to the lot saw the gate opening and quickly ran in, jumped in my car and drove it out. “Thank you very much, I really appreciate it.” I shoved my bike in my trunk and off I went. I swear I’m the world’s biggest idiot. In the last month I’ve ran out of gas, locked my keys in my car in the ignition with the radio running, almost ticketed for talking on my cell phone and now locking my car in a parking lot. Just in case you were wondering I’m running for the Darwin Awards. I do sure hope I win.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Caught Phone Handed

Yesterday I was driving up to one of my school campus projects and I received a phone call from one of the maintenance personnel that works for the school district. He wanted to tell me about how he had solved the problem of the dead lights in the bathrooms at the high school where we did work this summer. I didn’t really care to hear his accomplishment as it’s really just his job to deal with those types of problems, that’s what he gets paid for. So as I was sitting there at a red light listening to him ramble on and on about how they traced down the problem and found the frayed wire and blah, blah, blah, I hear this “Be careful” shouted outside my window. Figuring it wasn’t for me I just ignored it. I heard it again, “BE CAREFUL” wondering who was shouting I started to look around and when I turned to my left I see a guy sitting in his car with a Sheriff’s patch on the side of his sleeve. He looks at me points to the fact that I have my phone by my ear and smiles. “Oh my gosh!!” is what I mouth next with probably a look of panic and disbelief. I quickly look around wondering what I should do? Do I hang up on this guy whose story I wasn’t listening to anyway but still works for my client? Tell him to hold on and throw the phone down so I no longer have it in my hands? Throw the phone out the window? I make an embarrassed chuckle to myself and look back over at the cop. He says, “Don’t worry about it, just be careful” I soon realized that he was in his personal vehicle and probably didn’t want to deal with writing a ticket. After all it’s illegal to be talking on your cell phone in CA while driving unless it’s a hands free device (I think). The fact that I still have license plates from AZ probably helped but it could have been a ticket for sure had the guy really wanted to enforce the law. I drove off with my phone still in hand and quickly ended the call. Lesson learned if you’re going to talk on your cell phone make sure you’re not sitting next to a cop, which would be bad. I guess I better go buy a hands device for my phone. I hear if you strap a big rubber band to your head and slide the phone underneath that counts as ‘hands free’. Maybe I’ll just use a sweat band.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Growing my own.....

I believe that i have stated previous that i kind of live in the ghetto which is true but also with that comes the fact that my maintenance guys are also ghetto. let's just say they aren't the best professionals i've ever met. it also doesn't help that i too work in construction so know shoddy work when i see it. i digress........earlier this summer my A/C unit wasn't working so i called the property management team and told them and then they called the owner who called his brother's cousin's nephew's sister-in-law's uncle to come fix my unit. (the toaster as before illustrated) well as it turns out they plugged a 110V unit in to a 240V outlet. which basically means the unit was toasted. Ha ha! see how that's funny? See it's the size of a toaster and then was toasted. get it? anyway when the guy was hear he says to me, "you have a bird in your A/C" " you mean you can hear the birds in the trees just outside my window?" "No. There is a bird in your unit." "Ok.........CRAZY!" not really sure how there could be a bird IN my unit seeing as there really isn't space in there to build a nest and there is mesh behind the plastic fins but whatever i'm not fowl expert here. incidentally the guys forgot that my A/C needed to get fixed so it was about a week before they actually made an effort to fix it and even then it wasn't until i called and reminded them. So once again the confirmed the unit was toast (ha ha. still funny) and told me it needed to be replaced they pull it out of the wall and low and behold what do we find? a bird and a nest. yeah, turns out the crazy Mexican wasn't lying. well technically the bird wasn't in the unit but on the side of the unit where there was a space between the wall. anyway there it was sitting on it's eggs just waiting for it's little babies to hatch. Man, had i known that i would have brought that bird inside waited for the babies to hatch then train them to do household chores. Cinderella wouldn't have held a candle to me. it would have been great. they'd do my dishes, vacuum my floor, finish my taxes, dive bomb solicitors at my door. we could go on the road and do street performances with whistling. i would have been a millionaire. but instead the guys put the new unit in and i wasn't about to reach in the gap and risk getting avion bird flu from a wicked bird peck. Cardinal Kisses...........that's what our side show would have been called.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Pushing the Tank Limits

This morning I ran out of gas. How? You ask. Well to answer the question in your mind Yes, I do have an indicator light but my light comes on before it even reaches the empty tank line and I've gone an additional 100miles on my car even though the little light tells me I need gas. Bottom line THE LIGHT LIES! It doesn't really need gas, it's just a little bit thirsty but instead of waiting until it's parched it decides to whine about it and turn on its little light hoping I'll take the bait when it really knows it could drive longer without a drink but just doesn't want to because it's a baby. Anyway so the light came on this weekend and of course I ignored it because I knew it wasn't even close to being empty after I drove all the way to San Dimas to Venice back to San Dimas to Upland and back to Le Verne all while the light was on. What does that mean? I drove a lot of miles while the car was indicating it was 'out of gas'. Incidentally when I got up this morning I had forgotten that the light was still on and figured I ought to get some gas because the miles were close to 400 and that's about the limit. So I drove out to my jobsites to unlock the numerous doors the guys needed opened and realized that I had forgotten my wallet at my house. I drove back up to my house grabbed my wallet and was on the way to the gas station when the gas pedal quit. ARGH! No, I was like 20ft from the gas station. I was literally at the light to turn into the station when the car quit. And guess what the light had just turned green. I try to get the car to coast into the turn lane but it's not going very fast. I jump out of the car and start pushing it over and wave the car behind me around after he started honking. Lucky for me this nice old guy came out and helped me push the car out of the road. The only bad thing was he pushed it to the NE corner of the intersection and the gas station was on the SW and he informed me that he had a heart condition. I didn't really know what to do with that information so I just thanked him and patted him on the arm. Crap! Now I have to go get a gas can. SUCK! I run over to the gas station to see if the little store has a gas can and it does but of course it's going to cost me and arm and a leg. I grabbed the door handle. WHAT?! It's locked! I look down the sign reads; "back in 10min" you HAVE to be kidding me. I stand around waiting for awhile and this lady asks, "Hey, what's wrong with your car?" "Oh, I ran out of gas." I see that there is a grocery store across the road and run over there in the off chance they have a gas can that will probably be cheaper. I search up and down the aisles, NOTHING! I consider grabbing a gallon of water to dump out and just fill with gas but I don't have change and didn't really want to use my credit card for $1.09. Also I felt that be a huge waste of water. Oh screw it, I'll just buy the gas can then at least I'll have it when I need it again. I run back over to the station and the door is open. The crazy lady is inside getting her coffee and says, "Oh, don't buy that gas can. That's way too expensive." The attendant then chimes in, "yeah, just get yourself a water jug and use that." Funny, I feel like I've heard this before. I tell the guy I don't have a water jug so unless he has one I have to buy this gas can. "Well let me see if I have one around here." The crazy coffee lady then says, "Hey if you just buy my coffee I'll help you push it over here." So I use my credit card for a $1.29 coffee and she goes to help me. Which I must say was rather nice. She tries and recruit some other people to help but the guy tells me that I won't be able to turn my wheels unless the car is on. WHAT?! Hello, you can turn them without the car being on genius. But I decide to try to start the car just in case my car was faking it. And guess what! IT STARTS! Woo hoo! I drive out of the abandoned gas station and roll slowly out into the street to make sure I catch the light when it's green. I make it. The car had just enough gas left to make it to the gas station. The lady then says she'll pay for her coffee since she didn't really have to push. I told her not to worry about it. So what's the moral of the story? First you can save yourself $.20 but buying a water jug from the grocery store and even though your cars acts like it's out of gas it's really lying and just wants to take a break because it's lazy! That's it Tin Man, you're so grounded.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Hey Sailors

I went to meet up with a friend down in San Diego and while I was waiting for her I found this free magazine in the boxes on the street corner and decided to take a look. It wasn't too terribly exciting: movie reviews, local bands, local restaurants, etc. but the ads in the back of the article were quite humorous. There were TONS of ads for plastic surgery. I thought LA was the place for vain people but I guess with San Diego being heavily military there is probably the assumption they all have to look extremely in shape because they're military and everyone knows they do 100 sit-ups every morning and 50 pushups and run 10 miles. At least that's what I assume. But a couple of the ads just made me chuckle a little, one is this coupon. A beer boot. First of all this boot almost looks big enough to fit over this girl's head or fit on a small child. I mean I think a kid could actually wear that boot around. Instead of glass slippers Cinderella's country cousin wore glass boots to the ho-down and found her bull riding cowboy. The other ad was this one I mean really?! 'Engage your target' it's like she's some sort of scared little animal that doesn't want to be married but dang it she's going to be whether she likes it or not. I mean after you pull the trigger and launch that ring at her forehead knocking her unconscious you can slip that ring on her finger and take her down to the local church and when she wakes up she's married. Could you imagine if they actually made a scope that looked like a heart? I bet it'd make it a lot harder to pull the trigger because it's sending the message 'love not war'. Also when I was waiting for her I had this peddle cabby try and convince me I should take a ride in his cart and I was trying to explain to him that I was waiting for a friend and that I didn't have any cash. He didn't really believe me and just kept asking. I asked him if he could give me the history of San Diego but he only knew a few facts. So I told him that if he wasn't going to give me a tour than I didn't really see the point in getting a ride. Then he asked if I was a student and where I was from and blah, blah, blah. He was from Turkey and it seemed every peddle cabby down by that pier was from Turkey. I asked him if they were all related and he said they were just friends. But every time after that every cabby I saw I asked him if he was from Turkey and they all were. One asked me if I was from Turkey and I said, "No, but I eat them for Thanksgiving." Then I laughed and walked away. I hope he doesn't think he's coming to my house for the holiday.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

I love technology

So I just registered my blog to Word 2007 on my computer, now I don't even have to log into the website and now I can just post from my computer. Could life get any better? Possibly, I could have crowd of muscled men that did all my house work, cooked me dinner, finished my shopping, organized my house, gave me massages, took me out to dates, and made sweet love to me every night. But for now I'll take the simple thinks like writing my blog from my word processor. Ok, here is the first test let's see if when I push publish it actually shows up. Here goes………..


Thursday, August 5, 2010

Burn baby burn……….ganga inferno

My neighbor downstairs as far as I can tell doesn't have a job and just burns all day long. When I get home from work I can smell the reefer smoke stack through his screen door. Although I highly disapprove of weed in all its forms I guess it’s his choice to smoke away his brain cells. Of course I suppose I could call the cops. But what I really hate about his habit is the smoke drifts up to the stairwell landing in front of my door and then stays there because there is no wind to blow it away from my door. So while all the other neighbors get to open their doors and have the fresh air blow through their homes (which is a little ironic considering its southern California and the smog is so bad you can’t even see the San Gabriel mountains) I have to keep my door shut as to not hot box my apartment. Does he really have to leave the door open? Does he really have to smoke all night? I mean seriously! I do not enjoy walking out of my front door into the purple haze hanging on the stair steps with nowhere to go but greet me every time I decide to leave the apartment. Maybe I should just stick a fan that blows out of my apartment and keeps the smoke from drifting upstairs. Or maybe I should just leave a note on the guy’s door saying, “Hey, I don’t care if you want to kill your brain cells but I’d like to leave my intact so shut your door when you smoke out.” or maybe I should light a little campfire outside his door and leave it there all night smoldering so his entire house smells like he spent a week out in the woods. Or maybe I should put a thin plastic film over his door so the smoke stays in his apartment instead of coming up to visit mine. Or even better I should start leaving flyers on his door about the effects of marijuana. Ever seen the movie “Reefer Madness” well that’s right you too could end up homeless and broke from the Mary Jane. Drugs are bad.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

I love this video tender

I normally don't post twice in one day but SERIOUSLY! this has to be one of the BEST music videos EVER!! I can't stop laughing. Just watch it over and over. I want to learn the dance moves. I mean are they doing the lawn mower in a train? I think perhaps this was made in a warehouse and they just got all their friends together and said, "Hey do you guys have matching outfits? Then let's make a video." I really dig the hair styles and the plunging neck line for the main singer's shirt....... SO SEXY! And i think he might be reading cue cards, watch his mouth. i want to ride a car into space. A FLYING CAR! Who doesn't want that. I will perform this dance number at a talent show. Lol! Oh, it just gets better with every viewing!!! You know you want to join me on this. I wonder if i can make this my ring tone......

PS. This video ranks #2 on the list. I don't even have words for this.

Monday, July 26, 2010

99cent store…………how do I love you

After I moved into my new residence I went in search of some food. I was starving, I hadn’t eaten since 9am that morning and it was now after 5pm. My stomach was growling and my appetite was ravaged. I went in search of some food and on my way I found a 99cent Only Store. It was a like a beacon of light in this unknown place. My eyes grew wide and the smile splayed across my face. YES! A giant store full of stuff I want but don’t need and it’s only a $1 (which is an actual lie because with tax it’s close to $1.08, just something to think about) I knew at that moment my life would be Ok, that store pretty much has everything. So the next day I ventured into the store while repair men were buying supplies and I quickly grab cleaning products; a broom, a dust pan, a mop………yep that’s right all only for a dollar. I go in search of the cleaning solutions and low and behold they have “green” products at the $1 store. Yeah that’s right, even they care about saving the environment. Let’s forget the fact that pretty much everything they sell is disposable and will probably break after the 3rd time you use it and thus producing more trash for the landfills and let’s also gloss over the fact that most of the items probably have lead in them and aren’t safe for children use but you can buy a “green” version of a Windex knock off that is made from coconut based chemicals. I peruse the isles looking for items to quickly clean the house and I am quickly distracted by the cute bud vases that have leaves stamped in them. Sure they’re useless but they’re so cute and I think I’ve just picked a color scheme for my kitchen; green, yellow, orange. Oh yeah! It’s going to be great. But wait! Is that an oven mitt with green stripes and little lemon slices on it? Why yes it is? How cute is that and guess what there’s the matching hot pads and matching hand towels and………wait, the matching washcloths? OH WHAT LUCK!! Into the cart they go. HOLD UP! Focus………i need to stay focused. Sponges I need sponges. Ok, here we go the sponge isle. Let’s see……green ones, yellow ones, mesh ones, one side with cloth…and wait a sec. What is THAT! HOLY CRAP! A dusting mitt. Yeah, that’s right, a mitt that you put on your hand and dust with. How awesome is that and so very convenient. That is a must and throw in all the sponges. Who cares it’s a dollar. Oh and a couple of scrub brushes. Alright now what? Oh yeah, air freshener I need some for the house. Let’s find out where they keep it. Maybe down this isle? No, this is where they keep the frames and cheap art pieces. But look at that, they have cute little wooden plaques that have olde time French advertisements on them. How CUTE! And look there’s a whole series of them. Oh……they’ll look so awesome in my new kitchen. I love cheap decorations. And look there are other wooden pieces with classic white flowers on them. Sure they aren’t really painted but they sure look like they are. And if I search hard enough I bet I can find ones that match. Oh yes! They have plenty and they are going to look great in the new dining room. SO GREAT! Ok a just a few more things. A cutting board, some wash cloths and…………SHUT UP! Contact paper with palm trees ON IT! I think I just struck gold. I can use these to line my bathroom cabinets. WOO HOO! Ok seriously, I’m done. The repair guys will be back soon and I need to get going. Out to the check out line. Just down this isle and Wait, Wait! I need nails to hang up my new d├ęcor and a hammer. Crap! back to the other end of the store and i need a box knife to cut the contact paper. Ok yeah, that’s it. Alright now to check out. Hey is that a post it note with a tree frog on it? My aunt and uncle are going to love those. Cheap Christmas gift. AWESOME! I start to unload my cart of treasures and as the cashier finishes ringing up my items he asks, “Would you like to try a Toblerone? We’re selling them at two for a dollar.” “Oh no that’s ok. I’ve had them before.” And who does he think he is pushing a sale like that. Do I look like I just frivolously spend my money on candy? “The total comes to $73.46” he says. SWEET! It’s a good thing I bought only what I needed.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

i think i know what it is..........

the lady that was having her son water her breasts the other day............well i think i figured it out. yesterday when i went to check the mail i found cans and plastic water bottles spread out on the concrete pad in the courtyard. interestingly enough everything was recyclable. then on the little plastic kids table was a pile of dishes that i can only assume were washed by the hose that was stretched out from the building. the very same hose only days early that served as a shower for two of the tenants in the complex. my guess...........they have no electricity. in order to run your dishwasher you must have power to use it and the same requirement is needed for your A/C unit. (yes, CSI i am available for hire) so with the folks soaking themselves to keep cool and then doing their chores all using a hose in the public courtyard leads me to believe they're out of power. it can't be that their water is shut off because well...........the owners pay for the water. unless they got screwed and their owner shoves the bill onto them but that doesn't seem likely seeing as their are public access hose bibbs. (for those of you not in construction that means an out door spout) that's the cause i have deduced from the clues left behind unless the dishes are from a very "realistic" house set for a little girl who likes to play maid and the cans and bottles were for the spaceship my neighbors are piecing together to fly back to their home planet where they will tell everyone that water flows from green snakes. what i'm waiting for now is to see these guys set up a washing board and a washing tub and go to town on their undies and scrub out the skid marks. i wonder if they'll put up a clothes line across the entire courtyard hanging the granny panties and footed pajamas. let's just hope that they don't hang the pee stained sheets or the sweated out t-shirts.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

guess i'm not the only one

today when i was walking down to the laundry room to switch out my wash to the dryer. and to digress i think the kid that was living in there is no longer there because i haven't seen any sign of clothes or comforters anywhere. but as i came close to the inner courtyard which really only consists of a concrete area with a plastic kids picnic bench and someone's little charcoal grille. i hear running water. i had noticed a hose earlier that week and wondered if there was a possibility i could stretch it to the street to wash my car since it's covered in dust and smog sludge. i walk through the gate and see this older woman dressed in a pink t-shirt, jean shorts and flip-flops drenching herself in water. when i see her i think she could tell in my mind i'm thinking, "WTH?" so she shyly turns away and continues to shower herself with the hose. i mean i guess that's one way to cool off since it's been hot lately and we have no pool in our complex and she's probably poor like i am and can't afford to turn on the A/C in her apartment but it made for an awkward moment.
when i got to the laundry room the washing machine had stopped mid cycle because the load had become unbalance so it had 14min left on the cycle. CRAP! now i have to walk by that lady again. i walked quickly through the courtyard to avoid eye contact while she played in the puddles. when i came down again to switch over my laundry she was now laying on her stomach while (who i can only assume was her son) was running the hose over her back and he himself was completely soaked sitting in a little plastic chair. once again awkward. when i had to walk back through again up to my condo she was sitting up and he had the hose shoved down the front of her shirt pouring water down her cleavage. now i felt awkward for him, "Hey son could you cool off my boobies, their so hot and sweaty." Really? that kid is going to need major therapy when he gets older. maybe i should suggest that we all go in on an inflatable pool together and fill it up on the weekends so we can all lay in it together. we can put out fliers around the complex and make it into a full blown pool party. BBQ on the little grille and sit on the small picnic bench. shoot let's buy a pinata and stuff it with dollar store candy that probably has lead in it because it's from China. it'd be great. neighborhood pool party......BYOB......Bring Your Own Boy......that kid can't cool off everyone's breasts.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

CRUD it's FREAKING.............H...O...T

i figured that when i moved away from Phoenix i would have been away from this blistering heat. WRONG---O! Man, it's just as bad out here in the Inland Empire. Not sure why it's an empire, since there are only freeways, trash, rocks, and dirt. So hurray for you Emperor your ruling land is an awesome cloud of smog. Seriously i'm DYING here in my condo. Literally dying. my body is slowly loosing all it's moisture and drying out to be a shriveled piece of human jerky. what really sucks about this heat is that 1) i have no pool to cool off in. sure i could lay down in the middle of the sidewalk where the puddles of water are from the stupid sprinklers that don't work correctly and water the concrete instead of our little patch of grass. i'm sure my neighbors wouldn't think i was a freak. 2) i don't have central air. all i have are 2 stupid wall units that are the size of toasters and not the 4 slice kind. they're the $7 special at Wal-mart that only have one setting of scorcher. tell me how am i supposed to cool off 800 sqft with toasters? HUH? answer me that genius! 3) the unit in my bedroom is only a foot of the floor. anyone see what's wrong here? yeah, that's right heat rises. Hmmmmm, let's think about this. if heat rises then let's cool the floor because obviously then the hot air will go to the ceiling........yeah.......that will work. NO IDIOT! you cool the air up above so it falls down and circulates the hot air out.
so what i've resorted too is just turning on the unit in my bedroom because i only really care to be comfortable when i sleep and leave the doors shut to my room so it's my little sanctuary of cool. i come home from work fill my bath with cold water and sit in it until my body temperature is down far enough that i can stand to be in the living room. also, i was the mental case that chose the upstairs apartment which makes this whole heat situation compounded because as we reviewed before heat rises. unfortunately i'm too cheap to run the A/C unit in the living room because i'm afraid to see what the electric bill will be, after all this is California and everything is always more expensive out here.
i'm really considering buying a small plastic kiddie pool and putting it in my living room so when i get hot i can just take a quick dip. of course if it gets a hole or a crack in it i just might be royally screwed and there isn't a life guard on duty so i might drown.
i see these little kids out in their yards playing in their little inflatable pools and wish so greatly i could just jump in and join them but i don't really want to have charges pressed against me or a gun put to my head. now if i could only find an inflatable pool full of grown men. where are those neighborhoods? San Francisco? That's it........i'm moving.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Movers are now a requirement

In my recent relocation to CA from AZ my company had included in my signing deal the agreement to pay for a moving service to relocate my belongings. How dare they spoil me with such a luxury, I can never go back to moving my own stuff. All I had to do was sit on my butt and point to items I wanted them to pack and then furniture and boxes they needed to load. Could it be any easier? Only unless they find a way to teleport the items with my mind, but unfortunately the Force is still under research with NASA and their crew of Star Wars experts.

I was wondering why I had spent all those years in college telling my friends I was having a “moving party” where I proceeded to bribe them with the promise of bagels for breakfast or pizza for dinner or a make out session after the unpacking (unfortunately no one ever took me up on that offer). Little did I know that if I had a moving company I could have had a “moving party” where I actually really just had a party. I would invite all my friends over to the house when the movers would be there and since everyone would show up and hour late they’d be just in time to see the movers show up to pack my stuff and then they could enjoy as I did sitting with my feet up on the coffee table as these packers slaved away shoving my items into boxes and wondering how many more shoes they were going to have to pack. We could have sat around the pool playing volleyball and BBQing only to be disturbed every once in a while with the question, “do you want all of these bobble heads in one box?” "Yes", I would say, "Yes, I do because I would hate to have to open a box and only have it contain one bobble head instead of all 60 in my collection." (I don’t really have a collection of bobble heads but you get the picture)

And the even better part is when I arrived at my new condo they were there the next day with their truck full of goodies and I could sit there at my table checking off the boxes as they unloaded them and give them the location to place it. “Yes, would you please leave my bed in the living room? I think I would like to sleep there for the night.” I didn’t have to grunt and groan going up and down stairs with box after box. The only difficulty I found was when they would read off the numbers on the boxes I didn’t always understand what they said? “that was 3….4…..what? did he just say………..shoe? Since when is that a number? What 86? That’s not even on the sheet? Oh wait he meant 98, he just read it upside down.” (This children is why you stay in school and why it’s important that if you move to another country you take time to learn the language.)

What a fantastic way to relocate. I will always now use movers when I have to transplant to another location. Well of course when I have someone else to pay for it. I mean are you kidding? I don’t have that kind of money. Who do you think I am? I have more shoes to buy!

Friday, July 2, 2010

Can i use a tape disenser?

I was at my new office scanning in loads of documents for a project close-out (just what I wanted to do my first week of work) but hey might as well relax a little before the storm hit this summer. (figuratively not literally I’m not sure if CA has a monsoon season like AZ) anyway around noon the other ladies in the office take off for the rest of the day and I’m sitting there all by myself with my music and my computer. First thing I think is, “hey I can now do my work with my pants off.” Then a friend suggests that I just be totally naked, I mean Why Not? There’s no one here and nor will there be the rest of the day. But I just can’t bring myself to do it. What if a delivery person comes walking in? How would I explain that one? “Um, well sir see I spilled something all over my clothes, every inch in fact. So I just decided I should strip down to my skivvies and do my work in my under garments.” Not sure he’d buy it but I’d definitely be the best thing he’d have to talk about all day and share with his coworkers when i got back to the office. "hey dudes guess what? i totally caught this girl at the office in her panties and then her friend came out of the other office in her panties and they totally had a pillow fight." of course you know this is what the guy would tell his buddies because they all exaggerate.

Anyway so it was lunch time when they leave and I’m searching our cramped office for a can opener. There is none to be found. Nothing. So as my nasty dried pasta dish is cooking in the microwave (I unfortunately did not have a fridge at my house at that moment so had to eat nasty processed food) I’m wondering how I can open my can without a can opener. I then do what every normal person would do in that situation, I check the internet. And once again the World Wide Web has come to my aide (sort of) you can open a can with just a regular knife. The only problem is all I have access to is a dull butter knife and some crappy office scissors. Ok…….I think to myself…..let’s give that butter knife a shot. I grab a knife and then start to pound the top of the can. Nothing but little dimples of dents begin to show up. No good. I than decide that I need something to strike against the end of the knife. ‘Oh, I know. This tape dispenser. Yeah, that should work.” WRONG! What was I thinking? Did I actually think that small piece of mesh cloth would hold against the knife? HA! I start to strike and then grains of sand start to spill on the counter top. I turn the dispenser over and see that the sand that keeps the dispenser weighted is now spilling all over the counter like grains of salt. Crap! I quickly grab the packing tape and patch up the bottom and put the tape back on the counter. Sorry for ruining the tape dispener boss put it in the next change order. Ok, well the can still isn’t open.

I looked over at our recruiter’s desk. Hmmmmm, well she has some scissors that are pointy. I can give them a shot. I hammer the scissors down on top of the can. “POP!” YES! Success I have penetrated the seal. Ok now back to the butter knife and after several strikes with the tip I get a hole in the top. I shove in the end and pry open a little hole. I take out the knife and there is the nasty liquid on the knife. I wipe it on my jeans and continue to pry open the can. Yeah, that’s right I just wipe it on my jeans, I can’t take time to stop the progress. Besides this was the 3rd day I’d worn the jeans and they were going in the wash when I got home anyway. Man, get off my back. Don't judge me, you know that you don't wash your jeans everyday. I grab another crappy pair of office scissors and make a cut. Oh…..we’re getting somewhere now. I make a hole big enough that I can shake out the turkey chunks into the nasty pasta and at least get some protein in my lunch. So there you go YouTube you can open a can with a knife and crappy office scissors. Don’t use a tape dispenser the results are less then successful.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Heart Healthy? I'm not sure

When i was in the store the other day in the check out line i see that the lady in front of me has a box of Chocolate Cheerios! Um, i thought cheerios were supposed to be heart healthy? Tell me how chocolate is a benefit. you might as well just pour yourself a glass with chocolate milk because i've heard that it's actually good for your muscle building. Are you serious? Can this be really happening? This is every woman's dream come true (except those that hate chocolate then you have other dreams that i hope too will someday come true for you). That means in the morning i can pour myself a bowl of chocolate cheerios and soak them with my chocolate milk and get two benefits in one bowl! Then next i can crush up some Oreo cookies and sprinkle them in the mix because guess what they make? Sugar Free Oreos Yep you heard me. So really it doesn't even add calories.........right? I think this is what they serve in heaven for breakfast every morning. Along with pancakes topped with ice cream and stuffed french toast.

Chocolate for breakfast...........what a way to to start your day. Let's hope you're running 5miles after.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Prince Charming was a jerk.......

In this book I'm reading about human psychology there is a paragraph that made me snicker enjoy:

"The Prince was a jerk, and no doubt got what he deserved after he was married. He lets the girl get away twice in a row without getting any clue as to her identity. Then he is unable to catch her in a foot race, even though she is limping along with only one shoe. Instead of finding her himself, he sends a friend to do the job for him. And finally, he marries this girl of dubious upbringing and questionable family less than a week after he meets her. In spite of the superficial impression that he wins her, all this points to a loser script."

Kind of ruins the fairy tale doesn't it. Because prince charming is too good to be true, he's really just another smooth talking loser. I'm just pointing out that perhaps we shouldn't fill little girls minds full of fantasy and give her a real tale instead. I'm not bitter, i promise.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

I saw him

So this morning i went back down to do the laundry i consequently did not do yesterday. The beach was calling my name and laundry can always wait, until it can't wait and you're out of underwear and you're left wearing the gross pair that is there for "emergencies" you didn't do your laundry and you have a date that night. Anyway, when i went down to the room this morning i figured anyone that would have been there probably wasn't because the construction crew working on the condo behind me were making a LOT of noise and it probably would have been a little strange if the guy came out of the laundry room with night cap and gown saying, "hey guys...could you keep it down i'm trying to sleep on this cold tile floor in here." Not that anyone even wears caps and gowns to bed anymore. I mean honestly what is the cap even for? To keep your head warm? How would it stay on during the night? Unless you sleep in a box where you can't move. Did you imagine his gown was blue with white stripes? Cause i did.
When i went down to switch my laundry from the wash to the dryer is when i met the washroom tenant. We was heading out of the door while i was coming he. "Uh.....hey." was the interchange between us. He's a tall thin brother man and he had a sort of slurpee drink in his hand. When i was in the room there were no other baskets or machines running so i can only assume he was the one in the corner the morning before. I curse myself now for not checking his shoes to see if they were the same. CSI would NEVER hire me.
But as i opened the dryer to put my clothes in the first one i opened had the blue comforter that to my surprise had had a body underneath it. Smart! putting the bedding in the machine to hide it. i should have grabbed that bedding and then threw it in the dumpster as to detour him from coming back for a nights rest but i don't know what's on that comforter and i'm not about to expose myself to what is. I don't want scabies. i think he's just a tweaker looking for a place to crash but i'm not sure what to do about it. I mean technically he's taking up real estate that i am paying rent for. there could be some benches or chairs installed where he is now sleeping. Or an old school arcade game like centipede or gauntlet. i'll probably email my management company and find out if there is anyone on site in charge of this place and make them be the bad guy. Or i could put a tape in the room making it seem like it's haunted, quickly run by in a white sheet, put cardboard cut outs next to the windows and door. i can't imagine even a tweaker wouldn't be afraid of ghosts. Or maybe i could just come in early one morning and pelt him with water balloons or a paint gun. that would be a rude awakening. of course i'd be wearing a white hockey mask or a nixon mask. SAY NO TO DRUGS!! THEY'LL RUIN YOUR LIFE LOSER!! and that is what i would yell as i ran for my life because he's quite a bit taller than i am and could probably out run me.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Sleeping Bumty

I realize that i am awake unusually early on most weekends, i'm typically awake by 6 or 7am. Why? I don't know because my body is used to being up early, i have a real job (to quote my father) i actually have to be up before 8am. Anyway today was no exception and i figured i'd get a jump start on my laundry because who wants to be cleaning dirty underwear all day? Not me.
When i explored the complex earlier i had noticed we actually had laundry on site which the lady from the management company neglected to inform me, in fact i don't think she even knew, but more on her later we've had our run ins. So i take a trip down to the machines crossing my fingers the door isn't locked and too my luck it wasn't. i didn't really think it would be because it doesn't seem this complex is much for safety. I open the doors to check the price of the machines and i see a pair of shoes and some sheets piled in the corner. 'someone forgot their laundry', i think. HOLY CRAP! the sheet just moved. OH MY GOSH! there's someone sleeping in our laundry room. there is a homeless bum where i plan to clean my undies. or perhaps a tenant that was kicked out by his lady friend. not wanting to stick around to see what this bum looked like i quickly leave the room and notice his pants are sitting on the dryer. thank goodness he didn't jump up when he heard the noise because 10 to 1 he wasn't wearing boxers. GROSS!
so now what am i supposed to do? go back down and start my laundry, 'hey man don't mind me i'm just cleaning my clothes in your temporary bedroom. please don't steal anything.' i mean realistically what is he going to do with girl clothes that probably won't fit but you never know and my underwear isn't really the kind you'd want to steal (those who know, understand what i'm saying) i should really yell at the guy, 'hey dude, this isn't a shelter get out of here before i call the cops." But that's just mean, the guy is homeless. would you be that rude and heartless? if you said Yes than you should be kicked in the shin and punched in the kidney. have a heart.
all i can do is hope i scared him out of there like a sleeping dog and hope that he didn't mess in the corner. the problem is i don't think this place has a management office so i don't even have someone to complain too. maybe i'll try back in an hour, that's when people usually get up, right? but what's standard time for bums? Noon? maybe he planned to camp out there all day and make that his new house. well that would really suck because i don't really want to drag my laundry basket all the way to a laundry mat. maybe if i went down there with a squirt bottle and sprayed him in the face he'd leave. where do you think i can buy a can of mustard gas?

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Howler Monkey

A couple nights ago this girl in the complex was sitting below my window trying to do her best Beyonce impression. Well she was completely unsuccessful in her task because if anything she sounded like a wounded howler monkey who's banana was just stolen or their leg was caught in a tree branch and they were crying for help. She was EXTREMELY off key and flat. I'm all for singing your heart out, that is why the invented Karaoke bars where everyone is drunk and no one can tell the difference and they don't remember the next day that you sounded like a wounded cow. That's probably why they get so many bad singers for the Idol try outs. No one ever tells them their singing is horrible because everyone was too drunk to remember it.
I digress. Anyway this girl had no need to be practicing her voice lessons outside my window at 11pm on a week night. People need sleep, mostly me because i am crabby when i don't get 8 hours. I considered just yelling out the window "SHUT UP!" but then figured i might get a gun shot to the face and figured it better not too. No, I think i live in a very safe neighborhood......why do you ask? Then i thought about those cartoons where people throw their shoes at the noisy dog or cat on the fence. And i was wondering what shoe i could throw but then thought, "Why would i throw my shoes. I love my shoes. Why would i punish such a cute shoe by throwing it out the window?" Besides once it hit the screen it would have just bounced back and hit me in the face and then where would we be? The singing would still be bad and now i'd have a black eye to explain at work. "Um, well.........yeah guys. I got into this bar fight with this total bruiser chick and yeah.......she got me but boy did i get her good." "You don't drink.....why were you in a bar?" "Um, for Karaoke. I felt inspired to sing last night."
So i ended up just putting ear plugs in because shutting the window would have made my room hot and single pane aluminum doesn't keep any sound out. Next time i'm just going to put my face to the screen and see if i can drown out her singing with my off key singing and see how she likes it. Maybe we could do a duet and then perform in retirement homes for the half deaf with adjustable hearing aides. We could call ourselves the Howler Hunnies. (If you steal this band name so help me i better get royalties)

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

And in the begining i was naked

So here it is, my blog. The first entry, i felt it appropriate to start it on my birthday. My dirty 30 bday of all days. I mean why not. It's a new decade in my life, a new adventure, i just moved states, started a new job position, so why not tell the world about it (or those who care to even read this, which probably won't be many).
I was a little depressed today that it was my day of birth and of creation. (Well i guess i was technically created 9mos earlier than this day but we'll skip the details.) Everyone that i would have partied with is now 300 miles from me in a different state and no one at work would even know it was my celebration day. I considered wearing a crown and a feather boa with a big "Happy Birthday" plastered across the top just so people would get the hint but i don't want them to think i'm totally crazy. (i plan on reveling that at a later date). I had tons of messages from those friends on the book-face and i thank them for that and i had emails and texts and even a song sent to me. So i don't feel totally unloved, only a little unloved because i have no cake in front of me with candles to blow out. I wanted to see how big a flame i could get with 30 candles. that's got to be roaring. i mean i would probably be called on arson and would i even have enough breath to blow them out? i sure hope i would i didn't take two years of flute lessons for nothing. (and yes i did go to band camp, discussion on that later you sickos) Maybe i'll go buy myself a cupcake and put 30 candles it, it'd be covered in wax by the time i was done singing and then what would i do? i wouldn't want to eat it, who wants to eat wax? i mean at least the wax you put on your legs smells like it would taste yummy.
I thought about skipping work and going to the happiest place on Earth...........Lego Land.....ha you thought i was talking about the dorky place where that stupid mouse hangs out. Wrong, i've graduated from Toon Town. But as it turns out the "going for free" on your birthday only applies to the mouse house and that expired last year. LAME-O!
So instead i just went to work and felt sorry for myself and didn't really do much in the way of work so much as emailing and texting friends.
But there is a bright spot on this self pity day. i was actually able to schedule myself a blind date. i know it sounds weird because usually it's a friend of a friend that hooks you up with their friend's cousins brother's nephew but rather what happened is when i was moving out to CA from AZ a acquaintance of mine told me he grew up around the area i was going to be living and so could probably provide me with a person to help me find a suitable place to live. Well this guy Chuck we will call him because that's his name and i don't care to protect the innocent because i don't know if he's innocent, geez i just met the guy get off my back! Anyway i told him that we should get dinner when i get settled in and so since i'm settled i cashed in that dinner and as it turns out the day he picked was on my birthday. So Chuck picks me up and he changes his mind 3 times on the way to dinner with different cuisines he was craving and we settle on Peruvian food which was Ok with me. We're the only people in the restaurant and so get to act like fools and not care, hassle the waitress because she's bored, and discuss many items in life. And check this when they show fries with the dish they aren't a side. they are actually IN the main dish. yeah, that's right. crispy fries mixed in with your meat and veggies, probably one of the best ideas EVER. They weren't soggy like you would think, NO they were crisp and delicious. I'm pretty sure it's not authentic because i've never seen it before but hey that's what you get when you have Mexican's cooking it.
It came out in conversation that it was indeed my birthday because well what are you supposed to do when someone asks your age? Best segue into, "Well as of today i'm 30" which i kind of planted that into the conversation so i could score some free dessert and a Happy Birthday, i played you like a pawn Chuck and you play right along with me. Mwahahaha. I'm laughing because i'm evil. i asked the waitress to put 30 candles on it and she says, "i don't think i have that many." OUCH! what are you saying........i'm old! well go out and buy some more i'm the paying customer. well i'm not paying for the cake but that's beside the point. it's my birthday.......i get what i want. doesn't she know the rules? long story short the birthday wasn't horrible, i got a free meal and dessert, good conversation and probably a new friend. Yay, for blind date birthdays!! But next weekend i'm hitting up Vegas with the little brother because consequently we share the same birthday and you know that will be much more adventurous. VEGAS BABY! WOO HOO!

Oh but interesting fact as i learned from Chuck when you type my address into Google this is the website that pops up dummiesunlimited they actually make dummies for various different uses; law enforcement, military, fire rescue, medical, martial arts. i guess i live in a house of dummies or at least that's what i think of my neighbors so far. of course that could be why i've never met any, they're probably just propped up in a window or next to a door to make it appear like there are occupants but no one real actually lives here. i just might be in an episode of Twilight Zone. Holy Crap! did i swallow that pill with the giant worm to cure me of alcoholism? Where is that music coming from??