Thursday, November 18, 2010
So the other day I was on my way to find a grocery store close to my work. I was waiting at a left run arrow behind a minivan and when the light turned green the van didn’t go. We sat there for a little while not moving, I thought maybe at first the driver was distracted by the pedestrian and was going to wait for them to cross but they can’t cross because our arrow is green. So I gave my horn a quick little honk. I mean I’ve been guilty of not paying attention when a light turned green. I was just giving a courtesy honk. The driver turned the corner and slowly started down the other road. I followed behind the van for awhile thinking that eventually the driver would speed up but they never did. So I got into the next lane over and sped up to the posted limit. If there are 2 lanes I might as well use the one without the slow minivan driver. We drove a few hundred yards in our separate lanes and I don’t know if this driver just snapped and decided I was somehow being obnoxious but I see in my rearview mirror the van start to speed up at a highly accelerated pace. Now I could have just ignored them and let them pass me by and hurry on their way being a jerk but this day I decided to also be a jerk. I blame my genetic tendency for road rage because I can’t even tell you how many times my Dad would chase cars down. One time my sister even followed a guy back to his house to yell at him. I lay on the gas, I decided that I wasn’t going to let this minivan be the only jerk on the road and that I wanted to join the fun too. So here we are on a 2 lane road in a business district going almost 70mph, Yes, I know completely unsafe but I wanted to see how far I could push this guy. We travel on neck and neck when the minivan finally pulls ahead and then cuts me off and starts to break. SERIOUSLY!!! I know I was being a jerk but did they actually want me to rear-end them? It would have been their fault and they would have had to pay the damages. I quickly maneuvered into the other lane they had just left vacant and avoided the accident. As I passed them turning off the road I laid on my horn and pulled out the bird. (Ok, I didn’t really do that but I did think about it. I might think mean thoughts but I don’t always act on them. Geeze people what kind of person do you take me for?)
What’s the point of this story? Well none really except I blame my father for my incidental road rage. After all my parents were my only examples on driving techniques. My Mom told me this story about a guy in a car that had made her mad so she did pull the bird on him and yelled F*CKER out the window. This story makes me laugh because my Mom doesn’t really cuss and imagining her pull this fowl gesture is somehow comforting that my isolated incidents are due to genetic programming rather than personal choices. It’s like those people that go into a blind rage and when they wake up they somehow forget they took a baseball bat to their ex’s car. I hope I don’t ever do something like that or decide to wear an adult diaper and drive half way across the country to confront a cheating boyfriend. But if I did ever snap I’d like to go crazy in a McDonald’s playground and take sanctuary in the ball pit where I could claim it my kingdom and enslave all the children to bring me fries and ice cream.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Today's nature lesson this cuttle fish frequently walks the street of San Fransisco. Last seen at a Lady Gaga tribute show wearing the bubble dress.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Nature lesson for the day Pyjama Squid. Always dressed for relaxation.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Monday I rode my bike to work praying that the gates would be open so I could move my car. Once again to my disappointment they were still shut. I actually didn’t mind riding my bike to work. The cool breeze in the morning was great. Other than having a slightly flat tire the ride was completely enjoyable. However that afternoon on the way home it wasn’t so nice. The temperature had risen to 113 and I was sweating gallons on the bike. I once again stopped by the lot to once again see that the gates were still closed. I had tried calling the Masons but only received an answering machine and had even called the emergency contact only to have it ring forever and never an answering machine nor person answer. What kind of contact is that? What if I was really in an emergency? What if I had deciphered some ancient biblical text that lead to the secret grave of Jesus’ wife that contained a bottle of water that would heal anyone who drank it? HUH?!? Then what? The world would be screwed. I went to the front door hoping it would be open. I grabbed the handle and pulled. YES!! It was open. I ran down the little steps to grab my bike just in case I had to wonder around the building looking for someone when I turned back around I hear, “Can I help you?” “OH, yes. My sister parked my car in your lot on Friday and I really need to get it out. “ (yeah, that’s right I blamed my sister. I didn’t want them to think I was the idiot) “Was she supposed to be parking there?” ok, I’m going to stop diverge from the story right there for a bit. What kind of question is that? HELLO?!? Of course she/I wasn’t supposed to park there, that’s why I’m here asking for your help to get it out. DUH! If she were meant to have parked there then I wouldn’t be sweating my ass off riding my bike when it’s 115. I would have had her just open the gate and drive my car out. “You’re lucky we didn’t tow your car. Well let’s get that gate open. I didn’t realize I left this door open (commenting to his friend).” “Thank you.” I realized that apparently I was lucky at all that the door was open. I walked back to the lot saw the gate opening and quickly ran in, jumped in my car and drove it out. “Thank you very much, I really appreciate it.” I shoved my bike in my trunk and off I went. I swear I’m the world’s biggest idiot. In the last month I’ve ran out of gas, locked my keys in my car in the ignition with the radio running, almost ticketed for talking on my cell phone and now locking my car in a parking lot. Just in case you were wondering I’m running for the Darwin Awards. I do sure hope I win.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
I believe that i have stated previous that i kind of live in the ghetto which is true but also with that comes the fact that my maintenance guys are also ghetto. let's just say they aren't the best professionals i've ever met. it also doesn't help that i too work in construction so know shoddy work when i see it. i digress........earlier this summer my A/C unit wasn't working so i called the property management team and told them and then they called the owner who called his brother's cousin's nephew's sister-in-law's uncle to come fix my unit. (the toaster as before illustrated) well as it turns out they plugged a 110V unit in to a 240V outlet. which basically means the unit was toasted. Ha ha! see how that's funny? See it's the size of a toaster and then was toasted. get it? anyway when the guy was hear he says to me, "you have a bird in your A/C" "Um.......do you mean you can hear the birds in the trees just outside my window?" "No. There is a bird in your unit." "Ok.........CRAZY!" not really sure how there could be a bird IN my unit seeing as there really isn't space in there to build a nest and there is mesh behind the plastic fins but whatever i'm not fowl expert here. incidentally the guys forgot that my A/C needed to get fixed so it was about a week before they actually made an effort to fix it and even then it wasn't until i called and reminded them. So once again the confirmed the unit was toast (ha ha. still funny) and told me it needed to be replaced they pull it out of the wall and low and behold what do we find? a bird and a nest. yeah, turns out the crazy Mexican wasn't lying. well technically the bird wasn't in the unit but on the side of the unit where there was a space between the wall. anyway there it was sitting on it's eggs just waiting for it's little babies to hatch. Man, had i known that i would have brought that bird inside waited for the babies to hatch then train them to do household chores. Cinderella wouldn't have held a candle to me. it would have been great. they'd do my dishes, vacuum my floor, finish my taxes, dive bomb solicitors at my door. we could go on the road and do street performances with whistling. i would have been a millionaire. but instead the guys put the new unit in and i wasn't about to reach in the gap and risk getting avion bird flu from a wicked bird peck. Cardinal Kisses...........that's what our side show would have been called.
Monday, August 16, 2010
This morning I ran out of gas. How? You ask. Well to answer the question in your mind Yes, I do have an indicator light but my light comes on before it even reaches the empty tank line and I've gone an additional 100miles on my car even though the little light tells me I need gas. Bottom line THE LIGHT LIES! It doesn't really need gas, it's just a little bit thirsty but instead of waiting until it's parched it decides to whine about it and turn on its little light hoping I'll take the bait when it really knows it could drive longer without a drink but just doesn't want to because it's a baby. Anyway so the light came on this weekend and of course I ignored it because I knew it wasn't even close to being empty after I drove all the way to San Dimas to Venice back to San Dimas to Upland and back to Le Verne all while the light was on. What does that mean? I drove a lot of miles while the car was indicating it was 'out of gas'. Incidentally when I got up this morning I had forgotten that the light was still on and figured I ought to get some gas because the miles were close to 400 and that's about the limit. So I drove out to my jobsites to unlock the numerous doors the guys needed opened and realized that I had forgotten my wallet at my house. I drove back up to my house grabbed my wallet and was on the way to the gas station when the gas pedal quit. ARGH! No, I was like 20ft from the gas station. I was literally at the light to turn into the station when the car quit. And guess what the light had just turned green. I try to get the car to coast into the turn lane but it's not going very fast. I jump out of the car and start pushing it over and wave the car behind me around after he started honking. Lucky for me this nice old guy came out and helped me push the car out of the road. The only bad thing was he pushed it to the NE corner of the intersection and the gas station was on the SW and he informed me that he had a heart condition. I didn't really know what to do with that information so I just thanked him and patted him on the arm. Crap! Now I have to go get a gas can. SUCK! I run over to the gas station to see if the little store has a gas can and it does but of course it's going to cost me and arm and a leg. I grabbed the door handle. WHAT?! It's locked! I look down the sign reads; "back in 10min" you HAVE to be kidding me. I stand around waiting for awhile and this lady asks, "Hey, what's wrong with your car?" "Oh, I ran out of gas." I see that there is a grocery store across the road and run over there in the off chance they have a gas can that will probably be cheaper. I search up and down the aisles, NOTHING! I consider grabbing a gallon of water to dump out and just fill with gas but I don't have change and didn't really want to use my credit card for $1.09. Also I felt that be a huge waste of water. Oh screw it, I'll just buy the gas can then at least I'll have it when I need it again. I run back over to the station and the door is open. The crazy lady is inside getting her coffee and says, "Oh, don't buy that gas can. That's way too expensive." The attendant then chimes in, "yeah, just get yourself a water jug and use that." Funny, I feel like I've heard this before. I tell the guy I don't have a water jug so unless he has one I have to buy this gas can. "Well let me see if I have one around here." The crazy coffee lady then says, "Hey if you just buy my coffee I'll help you push it over here." So I use my credit card for a $1.29 coffee and she goes to help me. Which I must say was rather nice. She tries and recruit some other people to help but the guy tells me that I won't be able to turn my wheels unless the car is on. WHAT?! Hello, you can turn them without the car being on genius. But I decide to try to start the car just in case my car was faking it. And guess what! IT STARTS! Woo hoo! I drive out of the abandoned gas station and roll slowly out into the street to make sure I catch the light when it's green. I make it. The car had just enough gas left to make it to the gas station. The lady then says she'll pay for her coffee since she didn't really have to push. I told her not to worry about it. So what's the moral of the story? First you can save yourself $.20 but buying a water jug from the grocery store and even though your cars acts like it's out of gas it's really lying and just wants to take a break because it's lazy! That's it Tin Man, you're so grounded.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
I went to meet up with a friend down in San Diego and while I was waiting for her I found this free magazine in the boxes on the street corner and decided to take a look. It wasn't too terribly exciting: movie reviews, local bands, local restaurants, etc. but the ads in the back of the article were quite humorous. There were TONS of ads for plastic surgery. I thought LA was the place for vain people but I guess with San Diego being heavily military there is probably the assumption they all have to look extremely in shape because they're military and everyone knows they do 100 sit-ups every morning and 50 pushups and run 10 miles. At least that's what I assume. But a couple of the ads just made me chuckle a little, one is this coupon. A beer boot. First of all this boot almost looks big enough to fit over this girl's head or fit on a small child. I mean I think a kid could actually wear that boot around. Instead of glass slippers Cinderella's country cousin wore glass boots to the ho-down and found her bull riding cowboy. The other ad was this one I mean really?! 'Engage your target' it's like she's some sort of scared little animal that doesn't want to be married but dang it she's going to be whether she likes it or not. I mean after you pull the trigger and launch that ring at her forehead knocking her unconscious you can slip that ring on her finger and take her down to the local church and when she wakes up she's married. Could you imagine if they actually made a scope that looked like a heart? I bet it'd make it a lot harder to pull the trigger because it's sending the message 'love not war'. Also when I was waiting for her I had this peddle cabby try and convince me I should take a ride in his cart and I was trying to explain to him that I was waiting for a friend and that I didn't have any cash. He didn't really believe me and just kept asking. I asked him if he could give me the history of San Diego but he only knew a few facts. So I told him that if he wasn't going to give me a tour than I didn't really see the point in getting a ride. Then he asked if I was a student and where I was from and blah, blah, blah. He was from Turkey and it seemed every peddle cabby down by that pier was from Turkey. I asked him if they were all related and he said they were just friends. But every time after that every cabby I saw I asked him if he was from Turkey and they all were. One asked me if I was from Turkey and I said, "No, but I eat them for Thanksgiving." Then I laughed and walked away. I hope he doesn't think he's coming to my house for the holiday.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
So I just registered my blog to Word 2007 on my computer, now I don't even have to log into the website and now I can just post from my computer. Could life get any better? Possibly, I could have crowd of muscled men that did all my house work, cooked me dinner, finished my shopping, organized my house, gave me massages, took me out to dates, and made sweet love to me every night. But for now I'll take the simple thinks like writing my blog from my word processor. Ok, here is the first test let's see if when I push publish it actually shows up. Here goes………..
DUDE, IT TOTALLY WORKED! HAHA! LIFE IS SO GRAND!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
PS. This video ranks #2 on the list. I don't even have words for this.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
when i got to the laundry room the washing machine had stopped mid cycle because the load had become unbalance so it had 14min left on the cycle. CRAP! now i have to walk by that lady again. i walked quickly through the courtyard to avoid eye contact while she played in the puddles. when i came down again to switch over my laundry she was now laying on her stomach while (who i can only assume was her son) was running the hose over her back and he himself was completely soaked sitting in a little plastic chair. once again awkward. when i had to walk back through again up to my condo she was sitting up and he had the hose shoved down the front of her shirt pouring water down her cleavage. now i felt awkward for him, "Hey son could you cool off my boobies, their so hot and sweaty." Really? that kid is going to need major therapy when he gets older. maybe i should suggest that we all go in on an inflatable pool together and fill it up on the weekends so we can all lay in it together. we can put out fliers around the complex and make it into a full blown pool party. BBQ on the little grille and sit on the small picnic bench. shoot let's buy a pinata and stuff it with dollar store candy that probably has lead in it because it's from China. it'd be great. neighborhood pool party......BYOB......Bring Your Own Boy......that kid can't cool off everyone's breasts.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
so what i've resorted too is just turning on the unit in my bedroom because i only really care to be comfortable when i sleep and leave the doors shut to my room so it's my little sanctuary of cool. i come home from work fill my bath with cold water and sit in it until my body temperature is down far enough that i can stand to be in the living room. also, i was the mental case that chose the upstairs apartment which makes this whole heat situation compounded because as we reviewed before heat rises. unfortunately i'm too cheap to run the A/C unit in the living room because i'm afraid to see what the electric bill will be, after all this is California and everything is always more expensive out here.
i'm really considering buying a small plastic kiddie pool and putting it in my living room so when i get hot i can just take a quick dip. of course if it gets a hole or a crack in it i just might be royally screwed and there isn't a life guard on duty so i might drown.
i see these little kids out in their yards playing in their little inflatable pools and wish so greatly i could just jump in and join them but i don't really want to have charges pressed against me or a gun put to my head. now if i could only find an inflatable pool full of grown men. where are those neighborhoods? San Francisco? That's it........i'm moving.
Monday, July 12, 2010
In my recent relocation to CA from AZ my company had included in my signing deal the agreement to pay for a moving service to relocate my belongings. How dare they spoil me with such a luxury, I can never go back to moving my own stuff. All I had to do was sit on my butt and point to items I wanted them to pack and then furniture and boxes they needed to load. Could it be any easier? Only unless they find a way to teleport the items with my mind, but unfortunately the Force is still under research with NASA and their crew of Star Wars experts.
I was wondering why I had spent all those years in college telling my friends I was having a “moving party” where I proceeded to bribe them with the promise of bagels for breakfast or pizza for dinner or a make out session after the unpacking (unfortunately no one ever took me up on that offer). Little did I know that if I had a moving company I could have had a “moving party” where I actually really just had a party. I would invite all my friends over to the house when the movers would be there and since everyone would show up and hour late they’d be just in time to see the movers show up to pack my stuff and then they could enjoy as I did sitting with my feet up on the coffee table as these packers slaved away shoving my items into boxes and wondering how many more shoes they were going to have to pack. We could have sat around the pool playing volleyball and BBQing only to be disturbed every once in a while with the question, “do you want all of these bobble heads in one box?” "Yes", I would say, "Yes, I do because I would hate to have to open a box and only have it contain one bobble head instead of all 60 in my collection." (I don’t really have a collection of bobble heads but you get the picture)
And the even better part is when I arrived at my new condo they were there the next day with their truck full of goodies and I could sit there at my table checking off the boxes as they unloaded them and give them the location to place it. “Yes, would you please leave my bed in the living room? I think I would like to sleep there for the night.” I didn’t have to grunt and groan going up and down stairs with box after box. The only difficulty I found was when they would read off the numbers on the boxes I didn’t always understand what they said? “that was 3….4…..what? did he just say………..shoe? Since when is that a number? What 86? That’s not even on the sheet? Oh wait he meant 98, he just read it upside down.” (This children is why you stay in school and why it’s important that if you move to another country you take time to learn the language.)
What a fantastic way to relocate. I will always now use movers when I have to transplant to another location. Well of course when I have someone else to pay for it. I mean are you kidding? I don’t have that kind of money. Who do you think I am? I have more shoes to buy!
Friday, July 2, 2010
I was at my new office scanning in loads of documents for a project close-out (just what I wanted to do my first week of work) but hey might as well relax a little before the storm hit this summer. (figuratively not literally I’m not sure if CA has a monsoon season like AZ) anyway around noon the other ladies in the office take off for the rest of the day and I’m sitting there all by myself with my music and my computer. First thing I think is, “hey I can now do my work with my pants off.” Then a friend suggests that I just be totally naked, I mean Why Not? There’s no one here and nor will there be the rest of the day. But I just can’t bring myself to do it. What if a delivery person comes walking in? How would I explain that one? “Um, well sir see I spilled something all over my clothes, every inch in fact. So I just decided I should strip down to my skivvies and do my work in my under garments.” Not sure he’d buy it but I’d definitely be the best thing he’d have to talk about all day and share with his coworkers when i got back to the office. "hey dudes guess what? i totally caught this girl at the office in her panties and then her friend came out of the other office in her panties and they totally had a pillow fight." of course you know this is what the guy would tell his buddies because they all exaggerate.
Anyway so it was lunch time when they leave and I’m searching our cramped office for a can opener. There is none to be found. Nothing. So as my nasty dried pasta dish is cooking in the microwave (I unfortunately did not have a fridge at my house at that moment so had to eat nasty processed food) I’m wondering how I can open my can without a can opener. I then do what every normal person would do in that situation, I check the internet. And once again the World Wide Web has come to my aide (sort of) you can open a can with just a regular knife. The only problem is all I have access to is a dull butter knife and some crappy office scissors. Ok…….I think to myself…..let’s give that butter knife a shot. I grab a knife and then start to pound the top of the can. Nothing but little dimples of dents begin to show up. No good. I than decide that I need something to strike against the end of the knife. ‘Oh, I know. This tape dispenser. Yeah, that should work.” WRONG! What was I thinking? Did I actually think that small piece of mesh cloth would hold against the knife? HA! I start to strike and then grains of sand start to spill on the counter top. I turn the dispenser over and see that the sand that keeps the dispenser weighted is now spilling all over the counter like grains of salt. Crap! I quickly grab the packing tape and patch up the bottom and put the tape back on the counter. Sorry for ruining the tape dispener boss put it in the next change order. Ok, well the can still isn’t open.
I looked over at our recruiter’s desk. Hmmmmm, well she has some scissors that are pointy. I can give them a shot. I hammer the scissors down on top of the can. “POP!” YES! Success I have penetrated the seal. Ok now back to the butter knife and after several strikes with the tip I get a hole in the top. I shove in the end and pry open a little hole. I take out the knife and there is the nasty liquid on the knife. I wipe it on my jeans and continue to pry open the can. Yeah, that’s right I just wipe it on my jeans, I can’t take time to stop the progress. Besides this was the 3rd day I’d worn the jeans and they were going in the wash when I got home anyway. Man, get off my back. Don't judge me, you know that you don't wash your jeans everyday. I grab another crappy pair of office scissors and make a cut. Oh…..we’re getting somewhere now. I make a hole big enough that I can shake out the turkey chunks into the nasty pasta and at least get some protein in my lunch. So there you go YouTube you can open a can with a knife and crappy office scissors. Don’t use a tape dispenser the results are less then successful.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Chocolate for breakfast...........what a way to to start your day. Let's hope you're running 5miles after.
Monday, June 28, 2010
"The Prince was a jerk, and no doubt got what he deserved after he was married. He lets the girl get away twice in a row without getting any clue as to her identity. Then he is unable to catch her in a foot race, even though she is limping along with only one shoe. Instead of finding her himself, he sends a friend to do the job for him. And finally, he marries this girl of dubious upbringing and questionable family less than a week after he meets her. In spite of the superficial impression that he wins her, all this points to a loser script."
Kind of ruins the fairy tale doesn't it. Because prince charming is too good to be true, he's really just another smooth talking loser. I'm just pointing out that perhaps we shouldn't fill little girls minds full of fantasy and give her a real tale instead. I'm not bitter, i promise.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
When i went down to switch my laundry from the wash to the dryer is when i met the washroom tenant. We was heading out of the door while i was coming he. "Uh.....hey." was the interchange between us. He's a tall thin brother man and he had a sort of slurpee drink in his hand. When i was in the room there were no other baskets or machines running so i can only assume he was the one in the corner the morning before. I curse myself now for not checking his shoes to see if they were the same. CSI would NEVER hire me.
But as i opened the dryer to put my clothes in the first one i opened had the blue comforter that to my surprise had had a body underneath it. Smart! putting the bedding in the machine to hide it. i should have grabbed that bedding and then threw it in the dumpster as to detour him from coming back for a nights rest but i don't know what's on that comforter and i'm not about to expose myself to what is. I don't want scabies. i think he's just a tweaker looking for a place to crash but i'm not sure what to do about it. I mean technically he's taking up real estate that i am paying rent for. there could be some benches or chairs installed where he is now sleeping. Or an old school arcade game like centipede or gauntlet. i'll probably email my management company and find out if there is anyone on site in charge of this place and make them be the bad guy. Or i could put a tape in the room making it seem like it's haunted, quickly run by in a white sheet, put cardboard cut outs next to the windows and door. i can't imagine even a tweaker wouldn't be afraid of ghosts. Or maybe i could just come in early one morning and pelt him with water balloons or a paint gun. that would be a rude awakening. of course i'd be wearing a white hockey mask or a nixon mask. SAY NO TO DRUGS!! THEY'LL RUIN YOUR LIFE LOSER!! and that is what i would yell as i ran for my life because he's quite a bit taller than i am and could probably out run me.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
When i explored the complex earlier i had noticed we actually had laundry on site which the lady from the management company neglected to inform me, in fact i don't think she even knew, but more on her later we've had our run ins. So i take a trip down to the machines crossing my fingers the door isn't locked and too my luck it wasn't. i didn't really think it would be because it doesn't seem this complex is much for safety. I open the doors to check the price of the machines and i see a pair of shoes and some sheets piled in the corner. 'someone forgot their laundry', i think. HOLY CRAP! the sheet just moved. OH MY GOSH! there's someone sleeping in our laundry room. there is a homeless bum where i plan to clean my undies. or perhaps a tenant that was kicked out by his lady friend. not wanting to stick around to see what this bum looked like i quickly leave the room and notice his pants are sitting on the dryer. thank goodness he didn't jump up when he heard the noise because 10 to 1 he wasn't wearing boxers. GROSS!
so now what am i supposed to do? go back down and start my laundry, 'hey man don't mind me i'm just cleaning my clothes in your temporary bedroom. please don't steal anything.' i mean realistically what is he going to do with girl clothes that probably won't fit but you never know and my underwear isn't really the kind you'd want to steal (those who know, understand what i'm saying) i should really yell at the guy, 'hey dude, this isn't a shelter get out of here before i call the cops." But that's just mean, the guy is homeless. would you be that rude and heartless? if you said Yes than you should be kicked in the shin and punched in the kidney. have a heart.
all i can do is hope i scared him out of there like a sleeping dog and hope that he didn't mess in the corner. the problem is i don't think this place has a management office so i don't even have someone to complain too. maybe i'll try back in an hour, that's when people usually get up, right? but what's standard time for bums? Noon? maybe he planned to camp out there all day and make that his new house. well that would really suck because i don't really want to drag my laundry basket all the way to a laundry mat. maybe if i went down there with a squirt bottle and sprayed him in the face he'd leave. where do you think i can buy a can of mustard gas?
Thursday, June 24, 2010
I digress. Anyway this girl had no need to be practicing her voice lessons outside my window at 11pm on a week night. People need sleep, mostly me because i am crabby when i don't get 8 hours. I considered just yelling out the window "SHUT UP!" but then figured i might get a gun shot to the face and figured it better not too. No, I think i live in a very safe neighborhood......why do you ask? Then i thought about those cartoons where people throw their shoes at the noisy dog or cat on the fence. And i was wondering what shoe i could throw but then thought, "Why would i throw my shoes. I love my shoes. Why would i punish such a cute shoe by throwing it out the window?" Besides once it hit the screen it would have just bounced back and hit me in the face and then where would we be? The singing would still be bad and now i'd have a black eye to explain at work. "Um, well.........yeah guys. I got into this bar fight with this total bruiser chick and yeah.......she got me but boy did i get her good." "You don't drink.....why were you in a bar?" "Um, for Karaoke. I felt inspired to sing last night."
So i ended up just putting ear plugs in because shutting the window would have made my room hot and single pane aluminum doesn't keep any sound out. Next time i'm just going to put my face to the screen and see if i can drown out her singing with my off key singing and see how she likes it. Maybe we could do a duet and then perform in retirement homes for the half deaf with adjustable hearing aides. We could call ourselves the Howler Hunnies. (If you steal this band name so help me i better get royalties)
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
I was a little depressed today that it was my day of birth and of creation. (Well i guess i was technically created 9mos earlier than this day but we'll skip the details.) Everyone that i would have partied with is now 300 miles from me in a different state and no one at work would even know it was my celebration day. I considered wearing a crown and a feather boa with a big "Happy Birthday" plastered across the top just so people would get the hint but i don't want them to think i'm totally crazy. (i plan on reveling that at a later date). I had tons of messages from those friends on the book-face and i thank them for that and i had emails and texts and even a song sent to me. So i don't feel totally unloved, only a little unloved because i have no cake in front of me with candles to blow out. I wanted to see how big a flame i could get with 30 candles. that's got to be roaring. i mean i would probably be called on arson and would i even have enough breath to blow them out? i sure hope i would i didn't take two years of flute lessons for nothing. (and yes i did go to band camp, discussion on that later you sickos) Maybe i'll go buy myself a cupcake and put 30 candles it, it'd be covered in wax by the time i was done singing and then what would i do? i wouldn't want to eat it, who wants to eat wax? i mean at least the wax you put on your legs smells like it would taste yummy.
I thought about skipping work and going to the happiest place on Earth...........Lego Land.....ha you thought i was talking about the dorky place where that stupid mouse hangs out. Wrong, i've graduated from Toon Town. But as it turns out the "going for free" on your birthday only applies to the mouse house and that expired last year. LAME-O!
So instead i just went to work and felt sorry for myself and didn't really do much in the way of work so much as emailing and texting friends.
But there is a bright spot on this self pity day. i was actually able to schedule myself a blind date. i know it sounds weird because usually it's a friend of a friend that hooks you up with their friend's cousins brother's nephew but rather what happened is when i was moving out to CA from AZ a acquaintance of mine told me he grew up around the area i was going to be living and so could probably provide me with a person to help me find a suitable place to live. Well this guy Chuck we will call him because that's his name and i don't care to protect the innocent because i don't know if he's innocent, geez i just met the guy get off my back! Anyway i told him that we should get dinner when i get settled in and so since i'm settled i cashed in that dinner and as it turns out the day he picked was on my birthday. So Chuck picks me up and he changes his mind 3 times on the way to dinner with different cuisines he was craving and we settle on Peruvian food which was Ok with me. We're the only people in the restaurant and so get to act like fools and not care, hassle the waitress because she's bored, and discuss many items in life. And check this when they show fries with the dish they aren't a side. they are actually IN the main dish. yeah, that's right. crispy fries mixed in with your meat and veggies, probably one of the best ideas EVER. They weren't soggy like you would think, NO they were crisp and delicious. I'm pretty sure it's not authentic because i've never seen it before but hey that's what you get when you have Mexican's cooking it.
It came out in conversation that it was indeed my birthday because well what are you supposed to do when someone asks your age? Best segue into, "Well as of today i'm 30" which i kind of planted that into the conversation so i could score some free dessert and a Happy Birthday, i played you like a pawn Chuck and you play right along with me. Mwahahaha. I'm laughing because i'm evil. i asked the waitress to put 30 candles on it and she says, "i don't think i have that many." OUCH! what are you saying........i'm old! well go out and buy some more i'm the paying customer. well i'm not paying for the cake but that's beside the point. it's my birthday.......i get what i want. doesn't she know the rules? long story short the birthday wasn't horrible, i got a free meal and dessert, good conversation and probably a new friend. Yay, for blind date birthdays!! But next weekend i'm hitting up Vegas with the little brother because consequently we share the same birthday and you know that will be much more adventurous. VEGAS BABY! WOO HOO!
Oh but interesting fact as i learned from Chuck when you type my address into Google this is the website that pops up dummiesunlimited they actually make dummies for various different uses; law enforcement, military, fire rescue, medical, martial arts. i guess i live in a house of dummies or at least that's what i think of my neighbors so far. of course that could be why i've never met any, they're probably just propped up in a window or next to a door to make it appear like there are occupants but no one real actually lives here. i just might be in an episode of Twilight Zone. Holy Crap! did i swallow that pill with the giant worm to cure me of alcoholism? Do.de.do.do.....do.de.do.do Where is that music coming from??