Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Part Super Human

Alright average citizens, it has been established that I am Super Human. My body is well groomed machine to battle even the worst of scenarios that leaves others in dire pain and anguish. 

At the beginning of this month i was taken ill from what i thought was at first a "stomach flu" but turns out it was perhaps more severe than i had originally thought. My first guess that was i got sick from the Costco meatballs that i had eaten the day before. I heard IKEA had horse meat in theirs and perhaps i encountered some with gopher or maybe vole meat. Not able to eat or drink anything i thought after a couple days the sickness would be over. But once the vomiting had ceased i was left with an intense pain in my abdomen. It felt like there was a vice grip on my insides and they were permanently stuck in a C clamp. Perhaps the alien species living in my body were rounding up my organs into a small corral and whipping them endlessly to keep them from escape. 

Well after a week of weakness, loss of appetite and feeling faint after 30 min of standing i figure i ought to see a doctor. As usual they took some blood and urine and sent it to the testing lab. That same day i realized my eyes had gone yellow. I no longer had whites of the eye. I looked like a werewolf on the edge of transformation, waiting for my hair to sprout and fingernails to turn into claws. By Sunday i was akin to a real life banana with skin of yellow. 

Two days later the doctor calls with an extreme urgency that i needed to come back and see him. When i sat in his office you would have thought i was dying right there as i was sitting in his guest chair. I had extremely low liver numbers, the kind that indicate liver failure. He said i was lucky i hadn't been admitted to the emergency room. 

With more tests and a sonogram the result was this. Inconclusive. The doctor had no idea what had happened but whatever had transpired was now over. His best guess was i passed a kidney stone and didn't realize it. SAY WHAT!! i've heard that kidney stones are as close as you can get to child birth and that passing one is an excruciating pain. So what's that mean? MY BODY ROCKS!! It said "Screw you stone, you ain't beating this kidney." And then kung-fu-ed it's ass out of my system. Yep my superhero immune system vanquished evil foes of toxin. 

However i am extremely afraid of child birth and do NOT look forward to that process in life. 

And this is what i looked like in my yellow phase of life.