Monday, June 28, 2010

Prince Charming was a jerk.......

In this book I'm reading about human psychology there is a paragraph that made me snicker enjoy:

"The Prince was a jerk, and no doubt got what he deserved after he was married. He lets the girl get away twice in a row without getting any clue as to her identity. Then he is unable to catch her in a foot race, even though she is limping along with only one shoe. Instead of finding her himself, he sends a friend to do the job for him. And finally, he marries this girl of dubious upbringing and questionable family less than a week after he meets her. In spite of the superficial impression that he wins her, all this points to a loser script."

Kind of ruins the fairy tale doesn't it. Because prince charming is too good to be true, he's really just another smooth talking loser. I'm just pointing out that perhaps we shouldn't fill little girls minds full of fantasy and give her a real tale instead. I'm not bitter, i promise.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

I saw him

So this morning i went back down to do the laundry i consequently did not do yesterday. The beach was calling my name and laundry can always wait, until it can't wait and you're out of underwear and you're left wearing the gross pair that is there for "emergencies" you didn't do your laundry and you have a date that night. Anyway, when i went down to the room this morning i figured anyone that would have been there probably wasn't because the construction crew working on the condo behind me were making a LOT of noise and it probably would have been a little strange if the guy came out of the laundry room with night cap and gown saying, "hey guys...could you keep it down i'm trying to sleep on this cold tile floor in here." Not that anyone even wears caps and gowns to bed anymore. I mean honestly what is the cap even for? To keep your head warm? How would it stay on during the night? Unless you sleep in a box where you can't move. Did you imagine his gown was blue with white stripes? Cause i did.
When i went down to switch my laundry from the wash to the dryer is when i met the washroom tenant. We was heading out of the door while i was coming he. "Uh.....hey." was the interchange between us. He's a tall thin brother man and he had a sort of slurpee drink in his hand. When i was in the room there were no other baskets or machines running so i can only assume he was the one in the corner the morning before. I curse myself now for not checking his shoes to see if they were the same. CSI would NEVER hire me.
But as i opened the dryer to put my clothes in the first one i opened had the blue comforter that to my surprise had had a body underneath it. Smart! putting the bedding in the machine to hide it. i should have grabbed that bedding and then threw it in the dumpster as to detour him from coming back for a nights rest but i don't know what's on that comforter and i'm not about to expose myself to what is. I don't want scabies. i think he's just a tweaker looking for a place to crash but i'm not sure what to do about it. I mean technically he's taking up real estate that i am paying rent for. there could be some benches or chairs installed where he is now sleeping. Or an old school arcade game like centipede or gauntlet. i'll probably email my management company and find out if there is anyone on site in charge of this place and make them be the bad guy. Or i could put a tape in the room making it seem like it's haunted, quickly run by in a white sheet, put cardboard cut outs next to the windows and door. i can't imagine even a tweaker wouldn't be afraid of ghosts. Or maybe i could just come in early one morning and pelt him with water balloons or a paint gun. that would be a rude awakening. of course i'd be wearing a white hockey mask or a nixon mask. SAY NO TO DRUGS!! THEY'LL RUIN YOUR LIFE LOSER!! and that is what i would yell as i ran for my life because he's quite a bit taller than i am and could probably out run me.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Sleeping Bumty

I realize that i am awake unusually early on most weekends, i'm typically awake by 6 or 7am. Why? I don't know because my body is used to being up early, i have a real job (to quote my father) i actually have to be up before 8am. Anyway today was no exception and i figured i'd get a jump start on my laundry because who wants to be cleaning dirty underwear all day? Not me.
When i explored the complex earlier i had noticed we actually had laundry on site which the lady from the management company neglected to inform me, in fact i don't think she even knew, but more on her later we've had our run ins. So i take a trip down to the machines crossing my fingers the door isn't locked and too my luck it wasn't. i didn't really think it would be because it doesn't seem this complex is much for safety. I open the doors to check the price of the machines and i see a pair of shoes and some sheets piled in the corner. 'someone forgot their laundry', i think. HOLY CRAP! the sheet just moved. OH MY GOSH! there's someone sleeping in our laundry room. there is a homeless bum where i plan to clean my undies. or perhaps a tenant that was kicked out by his lady friend. not wanting to stick around to see what this bum looked like i quickly leave the room and notice his pants are sitting on the dryer. thank goodness he didn't jump up when he heard the noise because 10 to 1 he wasn't wearing boxers. GROSS!
so now what am i supposed to do? go back down and start my laundry, 'hey man don't mind me i'm just cleaning my clothes in your temporary bedroom. please don't steal anything.' i mean realistically what is he going to do with girl clothes that probably won't fit but you never know and my underwear isn't really the kind you'd want to steal (those who know, understand what i'm saying) i should really yell at the guy, 'hey dude, this isn't a shelter get out of here before i call the cops." But that's just mean, the guy is homeless. would you be that rude and heartless? if you said Yes than you should be kicked in the shin and punched in the kidney. have a heart.
all i can do is hope i scared him out of there like a sleeping dog and hope that he didn't mess in the corner. the problem is i don't think this place has a management office so i don't even have someone to complain too. maybe i'll try back in an hour, that's when people usually get up, right? but what's standard time for bums? Noon? maybe he planned to camp out there all day and make that his new house. well that would really suck because i don't really want to drag my laundry basket all the way to a laundry mat. maybe if i went down there with a squirt bottle and sprayed him in the face he'd leave. where do you think i can buy a can of mustard gas?

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Howler Monkey

A couple nights ago this girl in the complex was sitting below my window trying to do her best Beyonce impression. Well she was completely unsuccessful in her task because if anything she sounded like a wounded howler monkey who's banana was just stolen or their leg was caught in a tree branch and they were crying for help. She was EXTREMELY off key and flat. I'm all for singing your heart out, that is why the invented Karaoke bars where everyone is drunk and no one can tell the difference and they don't remember the next day that you sounded like a wounded cow. That's probably why they get so many bad singers for the Idol try outs. No one ever tells them their singing is horrible because everyone was too drunk to remember it.
I digress. Anyway this girl had no need to be practicing her voice lessons outside my window at 11pm on a week night. People need sleep, mostly me because i am crabby when i don't get 8 hours. I considered just yelling out the window "SHUT UP!" but then figured i might get a gun shot to the face and figured it better not too. No, I think i live in a very safe neighborhood......why do you ask? Then i thought about those cartoons where people throw their shoes at the noisy dog or cat on the fence. And i was wondering what shoe i could throw but then thought, "Why would i throw my shoes. I love my shoes. Why would i punish such a cute shoe by throwing it out the window?" Besides once it hit the screen it would have just bounced back and hit me in the face and then where would we be? The singing would still be bad and now i'd have a black eye to explain at work. "Um, well.........yeah guys. I got into this bar fight with this total bruiser chick and yeah.......she got me but boy did i get her good." "You don't drink.....why were you in a bar?" "Um, for Karaoke. I felt inspired to sing last night."
So i ended up just putting ear plugs in because shutting the window would have made my room hot and single pane aluminum doesn't keep any sound out. Next time i'm just going to put my face to the screen and see if i can drown out her singing with my off key singing and see how she likes it. Maybe we could do a duet and then perform in retirement homes for the half deaf with adjustable hearing aides. We could call ourselves the Howler Hunnies. (If you steal this band name so help me i better get royalties)

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

And in the begining i was naked

So here it is, my blog. The first entry, i felt it appropriate to start it on my birthday. My dirty 30 bday of all days. I mean why not. It's a new decade in my life, a new adventure, i just moved states, started a new job position, so why not tell the world about it (or those who care to even read this, which probably won't be many).
I was a little depressed today that it was my day of birth and of creation. (Well i guess i was technically created 9mos earlier than this day but we'll skip the details.) Everyone that i would have partied with is now 300 miles from me in a different state and no one at work would even know it was my celebration day. I considered wearing a crown and a feather boa with a big "Happy Birthday" plastered across the top just so people would get the hint but i don't want them to think i'm totally crazy. (i plan on reveling that at a later date). I had tons of messages from those friends on the book-face and i thank them for that and i had emails and texts and even a song sent to me. So i don't feel totally unloved, only a little unloved because i have no cake in front of me with candles to blow out. I wanted to see how big a flame i could get with 30 candles. that's got to be roaring. i mean i would probably be called on arson and would i even have enough breath to blow them out? i sure hope i would i didn't take two years of flute lessons for nothing. (and yes i did go to band camp, discussion on that later you sickos) Maybe i'll go buy myself a cupcake and put 30 candles it, it'd be covered in wax by the time i was done singing and then what would i do? i wouldn't want to eat it, who wants to eat wax? i mean at least the wax you put on your legs smells like it would taste yummy.
I thought about skipping work and going to the happiest place on Earth...........Lego Land.....ha you thought i was talking about the dorky place where that stupid mouse hangs out. Wrong, i've graduated from Toon Town. But as it turns out the "going for free" on your birthday only applies to the mouse house and that expired last year. LAME-O!
So instead i just went to work and felt sorry for myself and didn't really do much in the way of work so much as emailing and texting friends.
But there is a bright spot on this self pity day. i was actually able to schedule myself a blind date. i know it sounds weird because usually it's a friend of a friend that hooks you up with their friend's cousins brother's nephew but rather what happened is when i was moving out to CA from AZ a acquaintance of mine told me he grew up around the area i was going to be living and so could probably provide me with a person to help me find a suitable place to live. Well this guy Chuck we will call him because that's his name and i don't care to protect the innocent because i don't know if he's innocent, geez i just met the guy get off my back! Anyway i told him that we should get dinner when i get settled in and so since i'm settled i cashed in that dinner and as it turns out the day he picked was on my birthday. So Chuck picks me up and he changes his mind 3 times on the way to dinner with different cuisines he was craving and we settle on Peruvian food which was Ok with me. We're the only people in the restaurant and so get to act like fools and not care, hassle the waitress because she's bored, and discuss many items in life. And check this when they show fries with the dish they aren't a side. they are actually IN the main dish. yeah, that's right. crispy fries mixed in with your meat and veggies, probably one of the best ideas EVER. They weren't soggy like you would think, NO they were crisp and delicious. I'm pretty sure it's not authentic because i've never seen it before but hey that's what you get when you have Mexican's cooking it.
It came out in conversation that it was indeed my birthday because well what are you supposed to do when someone asks your age? Best segue into, "Well as of today i'm 30" which i kind of planted that into the conversation so i could score some free dessert and a Happy Birthday, i played you like a pawn Chuck and you play right along with me. Mwahahaha. I'm laughing because i'm evil. i asked the waitress to put 30 candles on it and she says, "i don't think i have that many." OUCH! what are you saying........i'm old! well go out and buy some more i'm the paying customer. well i'm not paying for the cake but that's beside the point. it's my birthday.......i get what i want. doesn't she know the rules? long story short the birthday wasn't horrible, i got a free meal and dessert, good conversation and probably a new friend. Yay, for blind date birthdays!! But next weekend i'm hitting up Vegas with the little brother because consequently we share the same birthday and you know that will be much more adventurous. VEGAS BABY! WOO HOO!

Oh but interesting fact as i learned from Chuck when you type my address into Google this is the website that pops up dummiesunlimited they actually make dummies for various different uses; law enforcement, military, fire rescue, medical, martial arts. i guess i live in a house of dummies or at least that's what i think of my neighbors so far. of course that could be why i've never met any, they're probably just propped up in a window or next to a door to make it appear like there are occupants but no one real actually lives here. i just might be in an episode of Twilight Zone. Holy Crap! did i swallow that pill with the giant worm to cure me of alcoholism? Where is that music coming from??