Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Your hands are to carry stuff

Today I went shopping to take advantage of the 50% off Christmas sales and figured I didn't need a cart since I was only planning on picking up a few items and indeed I found some gems. When I took them to the register the following is what transpired with the cashier.

"Do you have a rewards number?"
"Yeah sure, let me give it to you. Oh, and I don't need a bag."
"You don't want a bag?"
"No, I don't need one."
(Looking at me with a blank stare)
"But how will you carry your stuff?"

Now........I wanted to say, "Well, I'm obviously going to use my pack horse, don't you see it behind me?" But instead.

"I carried it up here I'm sure I can carry it out." (smile to the cashier)

She rings up my items and as the receipt is printing out I grab the loose ornaments and garland with my right hand, take the boxed ornaments with my left, put it under my right arm and then grab the receipt from the cashier with my once again free left hand . As I grabbed the receipt the lady just stared at me with this flabbergasted look as if she's never seen anyone use their appendages in such a way. Perhaps she's never seen people utilize their limbs.

I've decided that perhaps I should do a quick tutorial on what body parts can carry items, this is only an abbreviated list as the options are endless;

Hands - these are great for carrying small items, like keys, phones or baby chickens. You can also use your fingers to carry things, like clothes hangers, or loop ornament hooks over them and even carry multiple six packs. (I usually like to use my hands to feel six packs but they don't sell those kind at department stores)

Arms - these are great because they can hold very large items. You can hold a large box, carry a load of wood or bear hug a baby kangaroo. What's even better is your arms bend and have these things called "crooks". These can hold multiple grocery bags, purses or a python.  

Shoulders - ever heard of the fireman carry? Well if you ever need to carry a fireman feel free to try it out. And the always useful over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder, (mine are more like pebbles but none the less shoulders are needed)

Head - if you have a large item you need to move through a crowd this can be very useful, I'd recommend using your hands to steady it but if you've been to Africa you know that's just for the amateurs. Here's an article that further explains head loads Load with caution.

Hips - now I don't want to say these are exclusively used by women since they have been found to be a great spot for tool belts but there is a reason that men usually wear suspenders for function instead of fashion.

Back - piggy back ride, horse back ride, backpack, baby-got-back. The uses are endless.

Mouth - I use this in extreme cases of overload. Sometimes you just gotta put your money where your mouth is when all your hands are full.

I hope this helps those who are confused as to why a bag isn't necessary in all situations of purchase and if you need some further instructions on life saving carries then check out this Lesson Page. You never know when you might need them.

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Homeless Encounter #1

I suppose it's expected that when you move to Venice Beach that you will encounter a few homeless people but i didn't anticipate it happening while i was on the beach.

Since i live close to the beach i frequently take bike rides down to the ocean and take time to relax on the weekends from a busy week. I like to go mid morning because most people are still in bed and not many like to be out because it's usually cloudy, which is my favorite time to go because you are almost alone in the sand. However one weekend i was gravely mistaken to think i would be able to lay and listen to my music and read my book in peace.

I had set out my beach sheet (Yes! take an old bed sheet to the beach, not a towel,  you will thank me for this later) and had laid down on my back, put my headphones in and started reading my extremely none thought provoking novel about vampires (No, it wasn't Twilight, my taste in books isn't that bad). As i am enjoying the solitary time i hear a man say, "Hi friend." I of course assumed that this greeting was meant for someone else as any friend of mine would have called me by name and not by "friend" so i made no effort to acknowledge him. A few seconds later i hear again, "Hi friend." And i see out of the corner of my eye a young man standing there in a hat, jeans and no shirt. I quizzically look at him and he continues, "Hi, remember me? We met a few weeks ago." "Um, I don't think so.........i haven't been on this beach in a couple months." "Well I'm Ben, so now we can be friends." "Um, ok." "Can i sit on  your blanket?" "Uh...........i guess"

Now i realize i should have just told this kid No and that i have a highly contagious disease and he should probably stay away unless he wanted to catch a rash that would make his skin itch for months. But i was caught a little off guard.

I  don't remember the details of our conversation, because i kept reading my book while he assumed i was listening to him ramble but here are the bits i do remember.

He had moved here from Nevada and couldn't believe the chief wouldn't give him a job as a life guard, to which i responded, "well it's not tourist season and that's the only time they have life guards at the beach." He at some point ran around the Santa Monica library naked, i wasn't sure if this was inside or outside but in any case he thinks everyone should just walk around without clothes. He studied some school but "it just wasn't for him" although he was really interested in aerospace and said that he intended to build a flying car. He met some girl from Mexico and apparently had a romantic rendezvous in which they "smooshed" with each other and he hoped he could find her again. He really liked my ipod, phone and water bottle and wished he had some of his own.

The only conversation we really had was when he asked what i did for a living and i told him construction management and he asked if i worked with solar panels and i confirmed that indeed my company did sell solar panels for residential homes. He said he had an uncle in Michigan that had his own solar business, "Oh really? Why don't you work for your uncle?" i asked, "Uh............" was all he could muster.

I finally said i had to leave and meet my boyfriend but that didn't stop him from giving me his phone number in the off chance i wanted to hang out with him. Interesting he didn't have a place to live but yet still had a number. "Hey yeah girl, let's hang out you can come by my place under the pier." "Awesome sounds like fun, maybe we can hope to catch food as people drop it."

I haven't encountered any more homeless on the beach because those that are really homeless tend to hang out near the boardwalk and on the grassy hills because their shopping carts are really hard to push through the sand.

But check out this funky fish. It comes with lipstick already done up.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Part Super Human

Alright average citizens, it has been established that I am Super Human. My body is well groomed machine to battle even the worst of scenarios that leaves others in dire pain and anguish. 

At the beginning of this month i was taken ill from what i thought was at first a "stomach flu" but turns out it was perhaps more severe than i had originally thought. My first guess that was i got sick from the Costco meatballs that i had eaten the day before. I heard IKEA had horse meat in theirs and perhaps i encountered some with gopher or maybe vole meat. Not able to eat or drink anything i thought after a couple days the sickness would be over. But once the vomiting had ceased i was left with an intense pain in my abdomen. It felt like there was a vice grip on my insides and they were permanently stuck in a C clamp. Perhaps the alien species living in my body were rounding up my organs into a small corral and whipping them endlessly to keep them from escape. 

Well after a week of weakness, loss of appetite and feeling faint after 30 min of standing i figure i ought to see a doctor. As usual they took some blood and urine and sent it to the testing lab. That same day i realized my eyes had gone yellow. I no longer had whites of the eye. I looked like a werewolf on the edge of transformation, waiting for my hair to sprout and fingernails to turn into claws. By Sunday i was akin to a real life banana with skin of yellow. 

Two days later the doctor calls with an extreme urgency that i needed to come back and see him. When i sat in his office you would have thought i was dying right there as i was sitting in his guest chair. I had extremely low liver numbers, the kind that indicate liver failure. He said i was lucky i hadn't been admitted to the emergency room. 

With more tests and a sonogram the result was this. Inconclusive. The doctor had no idea what had happened but whatever had transpired was now over. His best guess was i passed a kidney stone and didn't realize it. SAY WHAT!! i've heard that kidney stones are as close as you can get to child birth and that passing one is an excruciating pain. So what's that mean? MY BODY ROCKS!! It said "Screw you stone, you ain't beating this kidney." And then kung-fu-ed it's ass out of my system. Yep my superhero immune system vanquished evil foes of toxin. 

However i am extremely afraid of child birth and do NOT look forward to that process in life. 

And this is what i looked like in my yellow phase of life.