Tuesday, March 22, 2011


Ok i just saw probably one of the most disturbing things in my kitchen you could ever see (aside from seeing your roommate having sex on the kitchen counter, that would be ever more disturbing). I was at my refrigerator and i noticed that the time on the microwave looked a little funny and upon further inspection i see that there is a spider IN my microwave. Not in the microwave where you can open the door smash the thing and then clean out the guts. NO! it is actually INSIDE my microwave. waving to me behind the plastic. taunting me because it knows i can't smash it. i was trying to figure out if i could actually pull of the piece of plastic that covered the back-lit time but alas i think i would actually break my microwave. so there i was absolutely helpless as this little spider sat sunning himself over my green 7:22pm. i tapped the plastic because i was not going to let that little freak sit in my appliance using it as his warm safe place. NO! i was going to disturb his restful bliss until he agreed to leave. he did indeed climb down into a little hole at the bottom of the plastic but to where i don't know, behind the number pad somewhere. now i'm going to envision this little menace sitting behind my number pad with all his little spider pals laughing at the fact that they are safe from the giant girl beyond the plastic. and how his little spidey paws are going to be walking over who knows where, with who knows what kind of germs. EEWWW! i can never use my microwave again. Oh wait! i only use that think to warm the wax i use to de-hair my legs. well by all means spider stay housed in my microwave, in fact use some of the wax drippings to free your hairy self of unwanted "spider legs" (if you are a girl you will get my joke right there and if not here is a hint: swimsuit). live your predator life in my microwave just please don't lay eggs and have more spider children i really don't think i can handle an infestation. And if you don't believe me well i have included a picture for your viewing pleasure.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

The War has Begun

I absolutely without a doubt HATE the cat in my neighborhood and am declaring war on his stray cat nation. Monday night I was attempting to do some cardio workout quickly realizing I am a wimp and probably shouldn’t have taken off the entire holiday season from exercise. So as I am on the floor struggling to work my core a smell of crap seeps under the door. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SMELL!!! It stinks like a pile of dookie. I can only assume that the stupid stray cat is back. At that point in time it’s around 11:30pm and I was tired so I just go to bed hoping that the smell would be gone by morning. Unfortunately my wish did not come true and I fired my magic genie. Last time I buy a magic lamp from a swap meet. I open the door and there it is a nice little pile of cat crap sitting on the landing of my stairwell. Had the cat had thumbs he probably would have put it in a brown bag and lit it on fire. The cloud of stench was hanging in the air, completely disgusted I grabbed a piece of paper that was laying on the ground and scraped up as much of the crap as I could, being very careful to keep it from touching any part of my body. I dump the poop covered paper in the bushes at the end of my stairs. I then go back upstairs and use the phone book left for my neighbor to rub off the rest of the brown streak. I maneuver the plastic bag covering the phone book round and round scraping off the crap. I then kick the book down to the bottom of the stairs and leave it by my neighbor’s door. It’s my gift to him; after all he fills my stairwell with 2nd hand smoke I feel it’s only fair I leave him the wonderful scent of poop. When I get home from work I soak the area with kitchen cleaner and when I come back from the movies the entire spot is rubbed clean. I can only assume my next door neighbor stepped in this area while going into his apartment. I kind of feel bad but then soon remember he is the one that started feeding the dumb stray cat to begin with and then snicker under my breath. I have decided to buy a pellet gun and shoot the cat in the butt the next time I see it, maybe then he’ll understand I mean business.