Wednesday, December 28, 2011


A few weeks ago I was waiting for a friend at the local CVS store. I was standing outside on the sidewalk waiting for her to drive up and as I was waiting I received an interesting request from a passing stranger. A guy in a well-used SUV slowly rolled up to me with his arm extended from the window and a cell phone in his hand to ask, “Will you answer this phone call for me?” A little puzzled I questioned him, “why don’t you just call back the number after they hang up?” “The number says unavailable so I can’t call them back.” Ok, well that logic makes sense except I still don’t know why he is asking me to answer the call. If it’s someone he’s trying to avoid then why doesn’t he just ignore the phone call and let them leave a message? And if I did answer and they asked for him who’s to say I wouldn’t just hand the phone back over to him which would completely defeat the purpose of me answering. “Um, ok I guess,” was the answer I gave him. “never mind, they just hung up.” And away he drove. Perhaps this fellow wasn’t a master of disguise or possesses finesse at lying but it would seem that if an unavailable number kept calling your cell phone and never leaving a message you could simple answer the call the next time it rang and state that they had the wrong number, people frequently change their cell phone numbers so this would be a plausible excuse. What I really wonder is what was going through his mind? Did he think I would have a conversation with this person on his behalf? Did he think I would lie to them for him? That’s a little presumptuous. For all he knew I could have answered the phone and said, “Well he’s right here next to me but was afraid to answer the phone because he didn’t know the number which makes me think he’s trying to avoid you.” I could have ratted him out to whoever was on the other line. I could have made up a story that he was attacked by rabid bunnies and was so horribly disfigured that the doctors could only identify him by the wax in his ear. I guess we’ll never know what I would have done since that person decided it was time to hang up.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Adventures at the laundromat

So now that I am forced to drive down to my local laundry mat and pump my quarters into old machines that don’t ever really clean your clothes and take 3 hours to dry them I have had my first awesome Laundromat experience. For the most part I’ve been able to clean my clothes undisturbed and left in peace to read my various books. But I did attempt to use the bathroom which was my first mini-adventure. First of all the bathroom costs money to use………shocker I know, but those of you that live in ghetto neighborhoods know that there are many vagrants, drugged out wanderers, trouble makers and straight out crazy people; so many businesses will make a person pay for a bathroom to avoid vandals and those looking for a place to crash during the night. Well one day someone that had used the bathroom didn’t shut the door all the way and it was left open to public use and I needing to pee decided to attempt the facility. Well I can say that despite the fact that it costs money it didn’t really detour vandals from graffiti and making their mark on the walls and toilet. It’s really a statement to spray paint a toilet, “Life’s crap man” or at least that’s what I imagine it says if I could actually read the scribbling. Now I’m not sure the staff actual cleans the bathroom maybe cause it costs money they just ignore it because they don’t want to take that $.25 out of their pay check but it didn’t looked like it had been cleaned in the last year and it smelled like it too; the stench of urine hit as soon as you walked in the door. That is when I decided that I could wait until I got home. But if you think about it, if I was a homeless person I’d find a pay bathroom to live in, I mean if you paid to sleep there every night your rent would only be $91 a year and you’d have free maid service because the staff would clean up the place, it’d really be a sweet deal except you’d have to sleep with the stench of pee in your nose all night.
But on to my great adventure; the last time I was in the Laundromat I was sitting at the little bench reading the Adventure of Sherlock Holmes (which is a fun book to read) and this little Asian man comes up to me and asks if I have a cell phone he can borrow. I just give him this quizzical, “Are you serious?” look and he pulls his phone out of his pocket “I’m out of batteries.” In the next 5 seconds my mind goes through a series of thoughts: Is this guy for real? Is he really just cheap and doesn’t want to pay for minutes? What if he runs off with my phone? What if he has some nasty ear fungus that gets on my phone? What if he has a nasty mouth infection that drips ONTO my phone? I hate the Laundromat! Why do I have to live in a ghetto complex? Why doesn’t a cute guy ask to borrow my phone? Gross did you see his teeth, I think they are literally rotting in place. But even after this internal struggle I decided to be nice and let the guy borrow my phone and make his phone call. I figure if he ran off with it I could either chase him down or let him have it since it was only $20. After he finishes his brief conversation he sits on the bench next to me and starts to ask questions; do you live around here? “yes, down the street.” Are you married? “No, but I have a boyfriend.” That’s good you’re not married. “…..” What is that in your hand? “A Kindle.” Oh wow, let me see it? “Um……….ok,” as he grabs the device from my hand. Now I’m a little paranoid that he’ll drop it and it’s not exactly cheap. I quickly explain how it works and then take it from him to save any potential damage. Do you live around here? (he asks again) “yes, down the street.” And then I go to check on my laundry. Now I try to be a kind person, I let him use my phone a couple times and I tried not to be rude while talking to him but I couldn’t stop staring at his brown teeth and wondering what it was that made his breath smell so bad. Did he eat rats marinated in urine for dinner? I avoided going back to the bench and he eventually finished his laundry and left but I imagine it’s only a matter of time before I find another friend while washing my undies.

Check out these super cute pandas. I want to work here just to hold one of these little fluff balls.

Monday, November 28, 2011

missing the laundry

I may have mentioned that I live in the ghetto and often get to experience ghetto things. Like the fact that I literally no longer have any functioning washers or dryers in my condo complex. At first is started with the fact that the dryers would trip a breaker every time you used them leaving you with half dried clothes that would smell musty if you did not catch the fact that the breaker just tripped and your clothes were not done drying. Then you would have to rescue them from that metal beast and hang them on your window shades and let them air dry which would incidentally block out all the sunshine coming into my apartment making it seem as if I were living in a cave. Which would be cool if I was actually in a cave but I’m not, I’m in my apartment that has windows to which I let the sunshine through. However my apartment did smell of “fresh linen” which is a scent frequently put out by odor freshening companies and I get to experience it firsthand. If I could have bottled that smell I would have then sold it as “the real linen smell” and make millions and then moved from my crappy complex to live in a place with a functioning washer and dryer but then my company would be deflated because I could no longer bottle the fresh linen smell because I’d have a dryer that worked. But I digress from the ghetto point here. I adapted to this lifestyle of just washing my clothes and hanging them in my apartment because I like convenience. I appreciate the fact I can run down to the laundry room put in my $.50 (which is stellar cheap for a wash) and then run back up to my apartment and do important things like wax my legs while my clothes were being spun around like a fly on a ceiling fan.
Unfortunately the washing machines started to trip the breaker to the laundry room so you would be left with your clothes only half through the cycle sitting in a tub of water not being washed or moving. This happened once and I had to make an emergency call to a friend and use her machines after I pulled out each article of clothing and wring it dry to the best of my ability. But I figured out a way around this problem by plugging the washing machine into a different outlet. The one outlet in the room that would not trip the breaker and once again I was back to my ghetto washing routine. Well as the weeks went on someone kept unplugging the washing machines. I believe it to be the people who clean and up keep the grounds but I would always just plug them back in, after all my clothes still needed to be washed. Well one day I walk down with my stack of laundry only to find that the cords to the machines were cut. WTH?!?!?! They actually cut off every plug to every washing machine. Now I can’t even wash my clothes. I didn’t really understand this purpose. They were still getting their $.50 a load why did they care? This was rather upsetting and I’ve sent several complaint emails to my property manager who doesn’t really seem too concerned that I now have to drive down to the laundry mat to do my wash where it costs $1.00 a load, which I realize isn’t very much money but it’s the principle of the matter. My rent includes $240 of a monthly HOA fee of which went to the laundry room that no longer works. I think I should just start deducting $40 a month for the water I am no longer paying for to run these machines. Or I am going to put these machines up on craigslist and sell them for laundry money.
And as a side note someone decided to change their oil in my carport and spilled the oil down the entire port leaving a slick mess in which someone could slip on and sue the living pants off the HOA because they do not properly clean their property. I’m just saying this could and might happen in the near future.
But check out this awesome wombat that I want to adopt as a pet and snuggle with and teach it to do my laundry and my dishes and perhaps cook a decent meal.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Man I LOVE cheap

Yesterday I decided to take a walk across campus and get my lunch. It was nice and sunny outside and there weren’t any students on campus so I deemed it perfect walking weather. On my way to Subway I passed by the super cheap clothing store I always see and think “I should go in there and look around” but then never do because when I get out of work I just want to go home and be in my undies. It so happens that this clothing store was having a little sidewalk sale, they had 3 racks of clothing outside and this incredibly cute skirt caught my eye. As I passed the cute skirt I promise myself I am going to check the price on my way back from getting food. I walk into Subway to find the school’s public relations director there. I wave, he waves, we chat. Come to find out the reason no students were on campus was because it was a faculty flex day and all the teachers were getting training. He was actually picking up a salad for one of the trainers. What a nice guy. I get my food, he gets his food and we go our separate ways to the same location. With sandwich in hand I stopped to check out the skirt. I examine the skirt and think, “Yes. This is cute enough to be in my closet. Let’s see how much it is. 1 FREAKING DOLLAR!!! No, way.” I double checked the price tag just to make sure and it was really only $1, along with many other items. SAH-WEET!!! I exclaim in my head and do a little happy jig. I’m totally going to buy this thing when I get out of work and actually have cash on me cause really………….I’d look silly using a credit card for $1. The card company might think it’s a fraudulent charge and then freeze my account. This is just an FYI note for you guys but when people steal credit cards they will first make a small purchase just to see if the card is working and once they know it is they rack up the dollars on hostess cakes and slurpees. I learned this from a credit card customer service agent and now I pass that info onto you. You’re welcome.

Back to the skirt. So I make it back to the trailer eat my sandwich, which was excellent. I love spinach on my wiches. And I get back to work. Well the afternoon Z’s hit around 2:30 like every day and I decide to go on a short walk around campus to wake myself up. That walk happened to include a short trip to the clothing store across the street. I grab a couple of bucks just in case I want to buy more than 1 of the $1 skirts and head out the door. Back at the rack I see that there is many a skirt that are cute enough to be in my closet. I end up getting 3 of them because the 4th one didn’t come in my size. I go in the store to make my purchase and when the cashier rings me up I see that they skirt is actually $.50, SAY WHAT!!! 50-cent, fiddy-cent, five-O. OMGosh! this is the best cheap clothing day ever! (Except the one time I got a cute jacket for $.30 but that’s a different story. That included a discount I had at the time.) In all, I spent $1.62 on those skirts. HOLY CRAP IT WAS AWESOME! I think I might actually make more than that in a minute……..or not but still. What can you get for $1.62? Apparently 3 awesome skirts that will probably all fall apart the first time I wash them and all the colors will bleed but WHO CARES!!! Oh and get this they even have a liner layer, which you can absolutely see through so I will still have to wear a slip but none the less they tried. I am a big fan of cheap stuff and when I get cheap things for even cheaper I get excited. Which is why I changed my own brake pads for $43 instead of paying a mechanic $160 because of course he said I needed new rotors. PSH! Yeah, right! What do you know Mr. Car Guy? If it were up to you you’d say I needed new tires and rims. I am wearing 1 of my new skirts this weekend and I will let you know if I am lead to an embarrassing moment with ripping and/or tearing.

P.S. I totally felt this earthquake yesterday at work that’s the 2nd one in 15mos of living here.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Haven for the Homless

Once again it seems my complex is housing another homeless person. Earlier this week I saw this lady pushing a shopping cart across the street with a broom, a door mat and other various items, her hair was tied up like Rosie the Riveter and since people with shopping carts aren’t unusual in my neighborhood I figured maybe she was the lady that cleaned up our courtyard and around the complex. The next day when I was in my kitchen I saw her again with her hair all tied up chatting and being chumming with some of the tenants and then yesterday morning as I was driving towards one of the car ports I see a bathroom cabinet mirror and clothes sitting against the wall of the car port. As I actually drive past the port I look in to see the same woman standing there which I can only assume was getting dressed. One of the storage doors was open to reveal a whole stack of clothes as if being used as a closet. So it would seem this woman has set up shop in a car port and this morning I drove past the same port again and see there is a make shift cardboard shelter with a chair added to the car port and the woman was digging through the dumpster and when I passed by she gave me a frantic look as if she were caught with her hand in the cookie jar. Well she doesn’t really have anything to sweat considering a don’t feel digging through a dumpster is really stealing or sneaking a cookie since all that stuff is free game and garbage. I have been known to snag some furniture items before it was disposed of, makes shopping for used furniture a whole lot more interesting. And to be honest there aren’t many mornings that I don’t pass by the dumpster and there isn’t someone digging in them trying to find bottles and cans or whatever treasures lay within the metal gift box of glorious goodies.
Now I can’t really blame the lady for taking residence in our complex. I mean no one really uses their car port except to leave their broken down cars for months on end or apparently have sex as I previously learned. I think I’m the only one that frequently uses it for its purpose and park my car there to keep it from getting hit by the elements. There are these large storage cabinets in each port which I put a huge bucket of paint in once that was somehow stolen and that is why I do not keep any of my camping gear stored in my unit.
There is also a laundry room that is free to anyone for washing their clothes. the door does have a lock and I can only imagine at some point they might have actually had a key for the room but that has obviously become a minor concern of security considering I found a guy sleeping in there and the dryers don’t work 90% of the time so you end up with wet clothes that you have to hang on your window shades to dry.
I supposed I could complain to HOA and have her chased off but who am I to say she can’t live in that car port? Maybe she used to live in one of the units and then her husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/cousin/ aunt/grandmother/3rd cousin by marriage kicked her out and said she wasn’t allowed to be in the house anymore unless she started dressing like a circus clown and making balloon animals. I don’t know her situation. But I figure at the very least she’s down on her luck and with the economy going into a 2nd recession I just might need some tips on how to live in a car port because that’s where I’ll end up when I get laid off. However I do intend to keep a bit of an eye open because if she starts thinking the whole lot of ports is hers and she starts turning mine into her bathroom we might have some words or the cops just might come to pay a visit. Eventually I think HOA might catch on and have her removed but until then I might give her a box of old clothes and some reading material, I wouldn’t want her to get bored.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Salchicha my ASS!!

Ever have those days where you’re so excited to each lunch you can wait to open the to-go box and once you do you realize your meal is the worst thing on Earth? Well let me share a story with you. I decided to celebrate the fake holiday of Cinco de Mayo and go get me some nice Mexican food. “Hmmmm,” I thought to myself, “what should I eat?.........tacos, enchiladas,……………….TORTA!!! Yes, the awesomely amazing Mexican deli sandwich.” I go online and find one in the local area that has a rave review on Yelp. Only (1) review but the guy was pretty descriptive so I figured it ought to be legit. Plus I work out in the ghetto desert land and there probably aren’t many people who post Yelp reviews let alone have the technology savvy to even attempt it. I jump in my car at lunch break knowing I only have a limited time because my work schedule was busy that day. I drive around trying to find the place because it’s in an old run down strip mall and the signs are small and faded. “Yes, a dive restaurant. Whole in the wall. Family owned. Best kind to eat at.” I think as I pull between the loaded down Toyota truck and the oxidizing Nissan, “this is going to be the best torta EVER!!!” I push open the glass door, RING, goes the little bell. I walk up to the counter behind the women talking to the cashier and I start surveying the sandwich options. It takes me awhile to find the English translation but I find the various meat options, beef, chicken, pork, breaded beef, etc. As I’m looking at the entirety of the menu and taking in the quaintness of the shop and the interesting decoration of #10 cans I see a faded sign made from construction paper. “Torta de hoy. Salchicha.” OH YES!!!!! The torta of the day is sausage. JACKPOT!!! Not only do I get a torta I get a sausage one. There isn’t much more in life I like than sausage *wink wink* (that’s for you dirty birds). I step to the counter and the woman behind the register greets me in Spanish and asks what I’d like. I wonder if I had blonde hair and blue eyes would this woman have automatically used English to speak to me? I order my torta and jamica aguas frescas and wait for her to call my number. I sparingly sip my jamica wanting to wait till I get back to the office to gulp down my meal with this wondrous beverage. My order is up; I grab the paper bag and speed back to work. My mouth is watering in anticipation of the soft grilled bread filled with hot sausage. I run out of my car to my little camping chair set up outside on the deck and put my feet up so I have a level platform to set my sandwich on, I open the top of the to-go box and there it is; the perfect looking torta. Fresh bread with perfect black grill marks, lettuce, tomato, oh my mouth is craving a bite. Then I pick up half and slowly bring it to my mouth but as it moves towards my face I notice something. WTH? Those are not sausages, those are EFFING HOT DOGS!!!!! I wanted to scream and throw my meal to the ground, stop on it 10 times and then kick into the baseball field. WHAT KIND OF CRAP IS THIS!!! I scream inside my head. They expect me to accept a nasty processed food bits as sausage. I just paid $4 for a sandwich that costs them $1.5? I mean if you’re going to use hot dogs at least use all beef or kosher, not $0.50 mashed up lips and hooves. My stomach was grumbling and my mouth was soured. My perfect meal ruined by pink spongy meat substitute. Wanting to cry I begrudgingly ate the sandwich, I did pay for it after all. I knew that I would be regretting it that afternoon but my stomach needed something to calm it down. But when I got back to my desk I joined Yelp and wrote a horrible review about their salchicha torta. “A damn lie”, is what I put, “however the frescas was great.” Lesson learned: when you order ask if salchicha actually translates to hot dog. I can’t say I won’t go back because perhaps their other selections are better but I just might try another one first. But on a better note joining Yelp gave me some super sweet deal tickets to the Dodger vs Giants game, access to the stadium club and 20% off the merch store, so I guess that lunch wasn’t all bad.

Nature connection of the day: Check out this Bad-A squid

Monday, April 11, 2011

Nothing Says Romance like a Carport

so i'm pretty sure i caught a couple having sex in one of the carports along the outside of our complex. i was coming home from work and there was a white car parked in one of the ports, now basically no one (except me) EVER parks their cars in those ports. my neighbor across the way told me one time to watch out because there are hoodlums around and that one time he and the downstairs neighbor had their tires slashed. "Oh really? where were your cars parked?" "On the street." Um..........ok so your tires were slashed when your car was parked on the street thus i shouldn't park in the carport. Ok, that makes total sense. but i digress. so this car is parked with it's front end facing the little drive and the door is open and there is this couple standing behind the door. the guy standing behind the girl and them looking out towards the drive. so i drive by and give a quick glance assuming that they were just unloading their car or something. i park my car on the street and start to unload the stuff from my backseat and i hear some noises coming from the carport. "are those pleasure noises?" it was faint but Yes there was the moaning and the heavy breathing. OH...........MY.............DISGUSTING!!! those people are actually having sex at 5 in the evening in a dirty carport. that guy has to have some kind of charm to convince a girl to give it up in a carport. i mean at a minimum you would think that they would at least do the dirty in the backseat of the car but i guess it's nice that they had the car door as a cover so the rest of us wouldn't have to see them going at it. but then i realized that those condoms and wrappers that seemed to appear in my carport over the weekend probably weren't just high school kids messing around but probably this dirty pair banging behind their car door. GROSS!!!!! i think i might have to make signs and hang them up that say "No Sex Zone" "Please don't get your jizz on my car." "But thanks for practicing Safe Sex so we don't breed anymore idiots."

Tuesday, March 22, 2011


Ok i just saw probably one of the most disturbing things in my kitchen you could ever see (aside from seeing your roommate having sex on the kitchen counter, that would be ever more disturbing). I was at my refrigerator and i noticed that the time on the microwave looked a little funny and upon further inspection i see that there is a spider IN my microwave. Not in the microwave where you can open the door smash the thing and then clean out the guts. NO! it is actually INSIDE my microwave. waving to me behind the plastic. taunting me because it knows i can't smash it. i was trying to figure out if i could actually pull of the piece of plastic that covered the back-lit time but alas i think i would actually break my microwave. so there i was absolutely helpless as this little spider sat sunning himself over my green 7:22pm. i tapped the plastic because i was not going to let that little freak sit in my appliance using it as his warm safe place. NO! i was going to disturb his restful bliss until he agreed to leave. he did indeed climb down into a little hole at the bottom of the plastic but to where i don't know, behind the number pad somewhere. now i'm going to envision this little menace sitting behind my number pad with all his little spider pals laughing at the fact that they are safe from the giant girl beyond the plastic. and how his little spidey paws are going to be walking over who knows where, with who knows what kind of germs. EEWWW! i can never use my microwave again. Oh wait! i only use that think to warm the wax i use to de-hair my legs. well by all means spider stay housed in my microwave, in fact use some of the wax drippings to free your hairy self of unwanted "spider legs" (if you are a girl you will get my joke right there and if not here is a hint: swimsuit). live your predator life in my microwave just please don't lay eggs and have more spider children i really don't think i can handle an infestation. And if you don't believe me well i have included a picture for your viewing pleasure.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

The War has Begun

I absolutely without a doubt HATE the cat in my neighborhood and am declaring war on his stray cat nation. Monday night I was attempting to do some cardio workout quickly realizing I am a wimp and probably shouldn’t have taken off the entire holiday season from exercise. So as I am on the floor struggling to work my core a smell of crap seeps under the door. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SMELL!!! It stinks like a pile of dookie. I can only assume that the stupid stray cat is back. At that point in time it’s around 11:30pm and I was tired so I just go to bed hoping that the smell would be gone by morning. Unfortunately my wish did not come true and I fired my magic genie. Last time I buy a magic lamp from a swap meet. I open the door and there it is a nice little pile of cat crap sitting on the landing of my stairwell. Had the cat had thumbs he probably would have put it in a brown bag and lit it on fire. The cloud of stench was hanging in the air, completely disgusted I grabbed a piece of paper that was laying on the ground and scraped up as much of the crap as I could, being very careful to keep it from touching any part of my body. I dump the poop covered paper in the bushes at the end of my stairs. I then go back upstairs and use the phone book left for my neighbor to rub off the rest of the brown streak. I maneuver the plastic bag covering the phone book round and round scraping off the crap. I then kick the book down to the bottom of the stairs and leave it by my neighbor’s door. It’s my gift to him; after all he fills my stairwell with 2nd hand smoke I feel it’s only fair I leave him the wonderful scent of poop. When I get home from work I soak the area with kitchen cleaner and when I come back from the movies the entire spot is rubbed clean. I can only assume my next door neighbor stepped in this area while going into his apartment. I kind of feel bad but then soon remember he is the one that started feeding the dumb stray cat to begin with and then snicker under my breath. I have decided to buy a pellet gun and shoot the cat in the butt the next time I see it, maybe then he’ll understand I mean business.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

It's Electric

In November I noticed that my heating bill had more than doubled in cost. And at first I chalked it up to a fluke in billing and thought perhaps the next billing would be back to normal. But when the next 2 successive months were just as high I really started to get irritated. How could my electrical bill jump over 100% when I hadn’t changed my lifestyle in anyway, in fact it should be less since I hadn’t turned on the heater and had been using blankets to warm my shivering body. You can’t tell me I’ve been paying $100 a month to live in an ice box. So I decided to call the utility company and ask them what was going on. When I relayed the situation and told them I didn’t understand why my bill had gone up they started to ask me a series of questions. “Do you have a big screen TV in the house?” “No”, “Do you leave a desktop computer on during the day?” “No”, “Have you turned your heaters on this winter?” “No”. “You haven’t turned your heater on once?” “No I have not.” “Then how do you stay warm?” “I used blankets.” “You only use blankets?” At this point I could hear the doubt in the voice of the operator. I knew she didn’t believe any of my answers and I can kind of understand this because I’m sure they get plenty of callers who call and complain about their bill when they’re watching TV 12hrs a day while cooking a microwave meal every 20min and watching porn on their computers. I get it; the world is full of liars. “Well it looks like your usage has gone up.” NO SHIZ SHERLOCK!! Is what I wanted to yell but it doesn’t make any sense because I haven’t turned on any heaters or started using my electronics 24hrs a day. “Well you have a smart meter so there is no way it can be an error.” “Well can you send someone out to check the meter to make sure it’s working correctly?” “In 5 days we’ll send out a tech and in 21 days we’ll get back to you with the result.” OH GREAT!! So in a month when the next billing cycle is over I’ll have an answer and once again pay another $60 in excessive usage. SCREW THAT! So I decided to contact my property manager. I email a repair request for the water heater because that’s the only thing I think it can be. Sandie (the gem of a woman) says she’s no longer managing my property and I have a new contract Andre. I’m actually relieved because I never really liked her anyway. Andre calls me about the water heater and then I tell him the predicament. “What do you use to stay warm?” “Blankets” Is this so hard to believe people? You know before heaters were even invented people used blankets and sweaters to stay warm. I don’t see how this is such a farfetched concept. He then tells me he’ll talk to the landlord and get back to me with his answer. A day goes past with no answer, another day goes past. I email him again, “Did the owner come to a decision about the electricity?” “He wants to see your bill showing the $40 a month and a breakdown of 2 bills.” ARE YOU SERIOUS??? What?……….he thinks I’m lying. That I’m just calling him to bother him because I like when stuff doesn’t work correctly in my apartment? That I want to get the electrician over to install my new flat screen TV and put a huge antenna on my roof and install a switch to my new Jacuzzi tub? Luckily I had printed off exactly what he had asked for earlier that day to show a coworker of mine and get his opinion. A day goes past without an answer. I email him the next, “Did the owner make a decision?” “He’ll have someone contact you in 3 days.” 3 DAYS!!! Why can’t he just call me now? This really isn’t that hard. I just need to schedule an appointment. At the end of 3 days I finally get a call. I tell him to come the following Tuesday. At this point I started to trouble shoot the problem myself. I turned off all the breakers to my house and left for an entire day to rule out the prospect of my meter being tapped. The numbers didn’t move so I knew it wasn’t that.
Tuesday comes around and the guy is 45min late to the house. He then proceeds to shut of breakers, lights; unplug appliances trying to figure out what was wrong. He asks me if I’ve used the heating system. “You mean the wall units? No I haven’t touched them.” “No the central heating system.” “WHAT? I have central heating?” Apparently in my condo I have what’s known as ‘radiant heating’ where there are coils above my ceiling that dissipate heat through the drywall. “You’ve got to be kidding me?” “No, it’s from the 70s.” Here I was under the impression that the ghetto dials on the walls were abandoned and not working because I didn’t see any grilles or registers that pushed air out into the room. One of the dials on the wall was turned to 70 and the other 2 were off. OH CRAP!!! That means if these things really do work then I’ve had one coil trying to heat this whole freaking house. But if that’s the case then why wasn’t my apartment warm in any capacity? And when we had those cold days in summer how come the bill wasn’t higher? I turned down the dial to off and the electrician then shut off one breaker that was pulling more amps than all the rest. He said it doesn’t look like it’s connected to anything so we’ll leave the breaker off for the rest of the month and see if my bill is lower. At this point I’m hoping that the breaker has a short in it or has gone bad so then I can blame that for causing my bill to be higher. I would hate to have paid $300 dollars for my own stupidity. But I guess at least in know now I have a heating system that could potentially short out and burn down my entire condo. That’s a peace of mind I’m glad to have.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Now He's just messing with me

I think the cat knows i hate him and will come by my door and spray it to spite me. My house STILL smells like urine. Not as bad as it did before because i threw away the items that were drenched in stench and soaked my door with odor remover but there is still that faint smell of piss that wafts through the air. I did get a black light from a friend today to find the pee spots but i'm almost afraid to use it and see where exactly it lights up. But in order to really alleviate the smell from my life forever i guess this is the only option i really have unless i poison the cat with anti-freeze then that would get rid of the problem permanently. Or what if i could coax the cat into a cage. Trap it and then take it up to the mountains and release it into the wild? i mean the thing is already fending for itself. it could survive the mountain terrain and environment. it can't be any worse then the hoods streets in my neighborhood. and if i happen to release the cat in front of the den of a mountain lion then maybe he'll be adopted into a happy cat family and then they can go spray the doors of the black bear dens.

Monday, January 17, 2011

I want to poison a stray cat

My wonderful neighbor likes to feed the stray cats in our neighborhood, which that’s great he cares for God’s creatures, but these cats are mangy. Scraggly haired, dirty, scavenging, raggedy cats. I personally cannot stand them and find them utterly annoying. At night they cat fight and yell and howl which makes falling asleep all the harder. They used to be skinny and starved and now they are fat and comfortable. They know when my neighbor is home and so come by his door every night begging and meowing for food. I scare them off constantly. I chase them away or yell at them because I don’t want them to get too comfortable. Unfortunately Friday night one of them decided they were entirely too comfortable. I was lying on my couch relaxing and recuperating from the busy week when a stench so potent my nose hairs were burning entered the apartment. I opened the door to see the nasty cat sitting on the landing. I scared it off assuming the cat was what smelled all kinds of awful. Unfortunately it wasn’t. the next morning I was up early and out of the house running around and wasn’t back till the afternoon and when I came back I fell asleep on the couch and was out to dinner after I woke up. When I was walking up to my house I was completely startled by this black cat racing down the stairs and off into the street. I almost had a heart attack and required CPR from an extremely cute paramedic. But instead I shorted my life by 3 yrs. When I walked into the house I was greeted with the smell of a puke swamp. It smelled like a freaking urine pot. I quickly opened the windows and lit candles trying to get rid of the smell. I thought maybe the cats had been hanging out on the landing all day and so the stench had wafted into my apartment. The smell subsided but didn’t disappear. I decided to get to the bottom of this odor mystery and find out what was really causing the smell. My first suspicion was that the cat had peed on my welcome mat outside my door. I opened my door and leaned down and as I went to smell the door mat I caught the stench before I got there. The cat had peed on my threshold and the urine had soaked into my walk-in mat. I almost hurled from the smell. I picked up the mat and threw it away in the dumpster. I’ve heard that smell is pretty much impossible to get rid of so I might as well just buy another mat. I then poured bleach along the threshold. Now instead of smelling a landfill soaked in urine I smelled bleach that reminds me of swimming pools and I love to swim. The next morning there was still the faint smell of urine. I thought maybe it was residual from the smell the night before but just in case I opened the door and started spraying the carpet right by the door with cleaner. I was rubbing it in with a scrub brush when I noticed on the door there were streaks along the bottom of the door. Fearing the worst I slowly leaned into the door. HOLY HELL!!! I almost fell over from the wretched smell. The cat had actually peed on my door and it had run down soaking my mat. I soaked the door with cleaner and then washed it with bleach hoping that would take care of the smell. After the door had dried there was still the faint smell of urine, I leaned in and smelled the door again and it STILL reeked. The urine had actually soaked into the wood and will now serve as a permanent odor freshener for my house. Sweet! My house now smells like cat butt. I kindly wrote a note to my neighbor asking him if he could PLEASE feed the cats at the bottom of the stairs and explained the smelly situation I was now in. He took away the little feeding bowl but that doesn’t mean they won’t come around begging for food. Today after work I’m going to search for a spray at a pet store specifically made to get rid of the piss smell and perhaps buy those plants that deter cats from coming around. Apparently there are some plants that fill cats’ noses with the smell of a landfill urine swamp. My neighbors will think I’m green but I’m really just torturing the olfactory’s of the stupid alley cats. If I was a mean person I’d just poison them with car coolant. Sure maybe I’ve thought about it but I wouldn’t actually do it. That’s animal murder.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

What is a resolution?

So here we are 2011……… isn’t the world supposed to be on the brink of apocalyptic detriment? Aren’t we supposed to engulfed in water or scavenging for food with our futuristic laser guns? I want a laser gun but all I have is a helix super soaker still in the box on my shelf that was given as a birthday gift years ago. Maybe I should just dust it off and run around my complex acting like everyone that passes by is a zombie and they have to be melted by my acid toting gun. I don’t think the adults in the neighborhood would find it too funny but I’m sure the kids would be completely on board to run around and water fight. My new year’s was pretty low key this year. Went to the Gameworks in the mall and spent an hour playing arcade games but was soon bored because all there was to choose from was fighting, shooting or racing games and after wasting my buddy at almost every game we played I didn’t really have the need to stomp his face in anymore. After my complete ass kicking my stomach was growling for nutrition so we went for pasties and a shout out to the Cornish Pasty Co. in Mesa……..holla……..miss that place, I stuffed my face with a sausage and potato pasty by then it was 11pm and I was like, “Crap. It’s an hour till midnight I need to find a place to yell and scream and make noise and watch fireworks because they are now legal in AZ.” Finally they have joined in the art of backyard pyrotechnics where you shove that little tank full of sparklers and firecrackers and watch the thing blow up and burn. Over to my friend’s house we went. They were playing board games and my buddy and I jumped in on “Imaginiff” which consequently a silly game to play with a bunch of strangers because the imagining part isn’t nearly as funny as when you can turn to your friend and say, “If you were to be any part on the body I would imagine you would be the butt.” 4min till midnight we went out to the parking lot to light off the various fountains and sparklers and blow the noise makers. And it was FAH-REEZING!!! I’m talking frozen snot from your nose cold. And if I had a beard there would have been icicles on it. (I only have one beard hair which isn’t nearly strong enough to support the weight of an entire icicle). So we were all bundled in our animal skins and mukluks watching the pretty lights from the fountains. Now as tradition in my family we jump through these small firework fountains because we are crazy and do stupid things. I went first and jumped over braving the spewing sparks and was only able to convince my one buddy to come with me (shout out to my once bearded friend who was then recently shaven as a Christmas gift to his Mom. He would have had several icicles hanging from his furry face. You ROCK at fountain jumping!!) On my last jump through the spectacular lights I ended up with a mass of sparks shooting up in my face (*as a note this is not recommended for children under the ages of 18 unsupervised by an adult or for people who are wimps and are afraid of sparkly things) as a precaution I always cover my face when going through the spray because remember kids “safety first” I don’t want to lose an eye but I almost did. I had a little burn mark next to my right eye and several burn marks on my jacket from the over spray of flamage. Humorously one of the burn marks is directly over my right nipple and it makes me laugh every time I see it. It’s a guiding arrow for those guys who might lose their way. So after freezing our fingers off, fireworks, blowing noise makers and shouting “Happy New Year” to the neighbors we went back inside where I realized I now smelled like I had just come out of the sulfur mines. Only a handful of us stayed at the party because everyone else were apparently old crusties that turned into a large gourd vegetable after midnight. C’mon people the next day was Saturday it’s not like anyone had to work the next day. We played a round of apples-to-apples that progressively became a game of dirty innuendos and inappropriate comments. I mean really, “Hard and Fast” what card would you match to that as a synonym? “My last boyfriend” HELLO!!
So Happy New Year to you all and good luck on your resolutions. I never make any because what’s the point of making a list of items you don’t intend to do. Instead why not make a list you do intend to keep such as: 1) do the dishes 2) wash my dirty clothes 3) buy a new TV 4) learn to scuba dive 5) hike to the top of Macchu Picchu. Happy goings on 2011 let there be many laser guns.