Monday, January 17, 2011

I want to poison a stray cat

My wonderful neighbor likes to feed the stray cats in our neighborhood, which that’s great he cares for God’s creatures, but these cats are mangy. Scraggly haired, dirty, scavenging, raggedy cats. I personally cannot stand them and find them utterly annoying. At night they cat fight and yell and howl which makes falling asleep all the harder. They used to be skinny and starved and now they are fat and comfortable. They know when my neighbor is home and so come by his door every night begging and meowing for food. I scare them off constantly. I chase them away or yell at them because I don’t want them to get too comfortable. Unfortunately Friday night one of them decided they were entirely too comfortable. I was lying on my couch relaxing and recuperating from the busy week when a stench so potent my nose hairs were burning entered the apartment. I opened the door to see the nasty cat sitting on the landing. I scared it off assuming the cat was what smelled all kinds of awful. Unfortunately it wasn’t. the next morning I was up early and out of the house running around and wasn’t back till the afternoon and when I came back I fell asleep on the couch and was out to dinner after I woke up. When I was walking up to my house I was completely startled by this black cat racing down the stairs and off into the street. I almost had a heart attack and required CPR from an extremely cute paramedic. But instead I shorted my life by 3 yrs. When I walked into the house I was greeted with the smell of a puke swamp. It smelled like a freaking urine pot. I quickly opened the windows and lit candles trying to get rid of the smell. I thought maybe the cats had been hanging out on the landing all day and so the stench had wafted into my apartment. The smell subsided but didn’t disappear. I decided to get to the bottom of this odor mystery and find out what was really causing the smell. My first suspicion was that the cat had peed on my welcome mat outside my door. I opened my door and leaned down and as I went to smell the door mat I caught the stench before I got there. The cat had peed on my threshold and the urine had soaked into my walk-in mat. I almost hurled from the smell. I picked up the mat and threw it away in the dumpster. I’ve heard that smell is pretty much impossible to get rid of so I might as well just buy another mat. I then poured bleach along the threshold. Now instead of smelling a landfill soaked in urine I smelled bleach that reminds me of swimming pools and I love to swim. The next morning there was still the faint smell of urine. I thought maybe it was residual from the smell the night before but just in case I opened the door and started spraying the carpet right by the door with cleaner. I was rubbing it in with a scrub brush when I noticed on the door there were streaks along the bottom of the door. Fearing the worst I slowly leaned into the door. HOLY HELL!!! I almost fell over from the wretched smell. The cat had actually peed on my door and it had run down soaking my mat. I soaked the door with cleaner and then washed it with bleach hoping that would take care of the smell. After the door had dried there was still the faint smell of urine, I leaned in and smelled the door again and it STILL reeked. The urine had actually soaked into the wood and will now serve as a permanent odor freshener for my house. Sweet! My house now smells like cat butt. I kindly wrote a note to my neighbor asking him if he could PLEASE feed the cats at the bottom of the stairs and explained the smelly situation I was now in. He took away the little feeding bowl but that doesn’t mean they won’t come around begging for food. Today after work I’m going to search for a spray at a pet store specifically made to get rid of the piss smell and perhaps buy those plants that deter cats from coming around. Apparently there are some plants that fill cats’ noses with the smell of a landfill urine swamp. My neighbors will think I’m green but I’m really just torturing the olfactory’s of the stupid alley cats. If I was a mean person I’d just poison them with car coolant. Sure maybe I’ve thought about it but I wouldn’t actually do it. That’s animal murder.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

What is a resolution?

So here we are 2011……… isn’t the world supposed to be on the brink of apocalyptic detriment? Aren’t we supposed to engulfed in water or scavenging for food with our futuristic laser guns? I want a laser gun but all I have is a helix super soaker still in the box on my shelf that was given as a birthday gift years ago. Maybe I should just dust it off and run around my complex acting like everyone that passes by is a zombie and they have to be melted by my acid toting gun. I don’t think the adults in the neighborhood would find it too funny but I’m sure the kids would be completely on board to run around and water fight. My new year’s was pretty low key this year. Went to the Gameworks in the mall and spent an hour playing arcade games but was soon bored because all there was to choose from was fighting, shooting or racing games and after wasting my buddy at almost every game we played I didn’t really have the need to stomp his face in anymore. After my complete ass kicking my stomach was growling for nutrition so we went for pasties and a shout out to the Cornish Pasty Co. in Mesa……..holla……..miss that place, I stuffed my face with a sausage and potato pasty by then it was 11pm and I was like, “Crap. It’s an hour till midnight I need to find a place to yell and scream and make noise and watch fireworks because they are now legal in AZ.” Finally they have joined in the art of backyard pyrotechnics where you shove that little tank full of sparklers and firecrackers and watch the thing blow up and burn. Over to my friend’s house we went. They were playing board games and my buddy and I jumped in on “Imaginiff” which consequently a silly game to play with a bunch of strangers because the imagining part isn’t nearly as funny as when you can turn to your friend and say, “If you were to be any part on the body I would imagine you would be the butt.” 4min till midnight we went out to the parking lot to light off the various fountains and sparklers and blow the noise makers. And it was FAH-REEZING!!! I’m talking frozen snot from your nose cold. And if I had a beard there would have been icicles on it. (I only have one beard hair which isn’t nearly strong enough to support the weight of an entire icicle). So we were all bundled in our animal skins and mukluks watching the pretty lights from the fountains. Now as tradition in my family we jump through these small firework fountains because we are crazy and do stupid things. I went first and jumped over braving the spewing sparks and was only able to convince my one buddy to come with me (shout out to my once bearded friend who was then recently shaven as a Christmas gift to his Mom. He would have had several icicles hanging from his furry face. You ROCK at fountain jumping!!) On my last jump through the spectacular lights I ended up with a mass of sparks shooting up in my face (*as a note this is not recommended for children under the ages of 18 unsupervised by an adult or for people who are wimps and are afraid of sparkly things) as a precaution I always cover my face when going through the spray because remember kids “safety first” I don’t want to lose an eye but I almost did. I had a little burn mark next to my right eye and several burn marks on my jacket from the over spray of flamage. Humorously one of the burn marks is directly over my right nipple and it makes me laugh every time I see it. It’s a guiding arrow for those guys who might lose their way. So after freezing our fingers off, fireworks, blowing noise makers and shouting “Happy New Year” to the neighbors we went back inside where I realized I now smelled like I had just come out of the sulfur mines. Only a handful of us stayed at the party because everyone else were apparently old crusties that turned into a large gourd vegetable after midnight. C’mon people the next day was Saturday it’s not like anyone had to work the next day. We played a round of apples-to-apples that progressively became a game of dirty innuendos and inappropriate comments. I mean really, “Hard and Fast” what card would you match to that as a synonym? “My last boyfriend” HELLO!!
So Happy New Year to you all and good luck on your resolutions. I never make any because what’s the point of making a list of items you don’t intend to do. Instead why not make a list you do intend to keep such as: 1) do the dishes 2) wash my dirty clothes 3) buy a new TV 4) learn to scuba dive 5) hike to the top of Macchu Picchu. Happy goings on 2011 let there be many laser guns.