Thursday, July 29, 2010

I love this video tender

I normally don't post twice in one day but SERIOUSLY! this has to be one of the BEST music videos EVER!! I can't stop laughing. Just watch it over and over. I want to learn the dance moves. I mean are they doing the lawn mower in a train? I think perhaps this was made in a warehouse and they just got all their friends together and said, "Hey do you guys have matching outfits? Then let's make a video." I really dig the hair styles and the plunging neck line for the main singer's shirt....... SO SEXY! And i think he might be reading cue cards, watch his mouth. i want to ride a car into space. A FLYING CAR! Who doesn't want that. I will perform this dance number at a talent show. Lol! Oh, it just gets better with every viewing!!! You know you want to join me on this. I wonder if i can make this my ring tone......

PS. This video ranks #2 on the list. I don't even have words for this.

Monday, July 26, 2010

99cent store…………how do I love you

After I moved into my new residence I went in search of some food. I was starving, I hadn’t eaten since 9am that morning and it was now after 5pm. My stomach was growling and my appetite was ravaged. I went in search of some food and on my way I found a 99cent Only Store. It was a like a beacon of light in this unknown place. My eyes grew wide and the smile splayed across my face. YES! A giant store full of stuff I want but don’t need and it’s only a $1 (which is an actual lie because with tax it’s close to $1.08, just something to think about) I knew at that moment my life would be Ok, that store pretty much has everything. So the next day I ventured into the store while repair men were buying supplies and I quickly grab cleaning products; a broom, a dust pan, a mop………yep that’s right all only for a dollar. I go in search of the cleaning solutions and low and behold they have “green” products at the $1 store. Yeah that’s right, even they care about saving the environment. Let’s forget the fact that pretty much everything they sell is disposable and will probably break after the 3rd time you use it and thus producing more trash for the landfills and let’s also gloss over the fact that most of the items probably have lead in them and aren’t safe for children use but you can buy a “green” version of a Windex knock off that is made from coconut based chemicals. I peruse the isles looking for items to quickly clean the house and I am quickly distracted by the cute bud vases that have leaves stamped in them. Sure they’re useless but they’re so cute and I think I’ve just picked a color scheme for my kitchen; green, yellow, orange. Oh yeah! It’s going to be great. But wait! Is that an oven mitt with green stripes and little lemon slices on it? Why yes it is? How cute is that and guess what there’s the matching hot pads and matching hand towels and………wait, the matching washcloths? OH WHAT LUCK!! Into the cart they go. HOLD UP! Focus………i need to stay focused. Sponges I need sponges. Ok, here we go the sponge isle. Let’s see……green ones, yellow ones, mesh ones, one side with cloth…and wait a sec. What is THAT! HOLY CRAP! A dusting mitt. Yeah, that’s right, a mitt that you put on your hand and dust with. How awesome is that and so very convenient. That is a must and throw in all the sponges. Who cares it’s a dollar. Oh and a couple of scrub brushes. Alright now what? Oh yeah, air freshener I need some for the house. Let’s find out where they keep it. Maybe down this isle? No, this is where they keep the frames and cheap art pieces. But look at that, they have cute little wooden plaques that have olde time French advertisements on them. How CUTE! And look there’s a whole series of them. Oh……they’ll look so awesome in my new kitchen. I love cheap decorations. And look there are other wooden pieces with classic white flowers on them. Sure they aren’t really painted but they sure look like they are. And if I search hard enough I bet I can find ones that match. Oh yes! They have plenty and they are going to look great in the new dining room. SO GREAT! Ok a just a few more things. A cutting board, some wash cloths and…………SHUT UP! Contact paper with palm trees ON IT! I think I just struck gold. I can use these to line my bathroom cabinets. WOO HOO! Ok seriously, I’m done. The repair guys will be back soon and I need to get going. Out to the check out line. Just down this isle and Wait, Wait! I need nails to hang up my new d├ęcor and a hammer. Crap! back to the other end of the store and i need a box knife to cut the contact paper. Ok yeah, that’s it. Alright now to check out. Hey is that a post it note with a tree frog on it? My aunt and uncle are going to love those. Cheap Christmas gift. AWESOME! I start to unload my cart of treasures and as the cashier finishes ringing up my items he asks, “Would you like to try a Toblerone? We’re selling them at two for a dollar.” “Oh no that’s ok. I’ve had them before.” And who does he think he is pushing a sale like that. Do I look like I just frivolously spend my money on candy? “The total comes to $73.46” he says. SWEET! It’s a good thing I bought only what I needed.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

i think i know what it is..........

the lady that was having her son water her breasts the other day............well i think i figured it out. yesterday when i went to check the mail i found cans and plastic water bottles spread out on the concrete pad in the courtyard. interestingly enough everything was recyclable. then on the little plastic kids table was a pile of dishes that i can only assume were washed by the hose that was stretched out from the building. the very same hose only days early that served as a shower for two of the tenants in the complex. my guess...........they have no electricity. in order to run your dishwasher you must have power to use it and the same requirement is needed for your A/C unit. (yes, CSI i am available for hire) so with the folks soaking themselves to keep cool and then doing their chores all using a hose in the public courtyard leads me to believe they're out of power. it can't be that their water is shut off because well...........the owners pay for the water. unless they got screwed and their owner shoves the bill onto them but that doesn't seem likely seeing as their are public access hose bibbs. (for those of you not in construction that means an out door spout) that's the cause i have deduced from the clues left behind unless the dishes are from a very "realistic" house set for a little girl who likes to play maid and the cans and bottles were for the spaceship my neighbors are piecing together to fly back to their home planet where they will tell everyone that water flows from green snakes. what i'm waiting for now is to see these guys set up a washing board and a washing tub and go to town on their undies and scrub out the skid marks. i wonder if they'll put up a clothes line across the entire courtyard hanging the granny panties and footed pajamas. let's just hope that they don't hang the pee stained sheets or the sweated out t-shirts.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

guess i'm not the only one

today when i was walking down to the laundry room to switch out my wash to the dryer. and to digress i think the kid that was living in there is no longer there because i haven't seen any sign of clothes or comforters anywhere. but as i came close to the inner courtyard which really only consists of a concrete area with a plastic kids picnic bench and someone's little charcoal grille. i hear running water. i had noticed a hose earlier that week and wondered if there was a possibility i could stretch it to the street to wash my car since it's covered in dust and smog sludge. i walk through the gate and see this older woman dressed in a pink t-shirt, jean shorts and flip-flops drenching herself in water. when i see her i think she could tell in my mind i'm thinking, "WTH?" so she shyly turns away and continues to shower herself with the hose. i mean i guess that's one way to cool off since it's been hot lately and we have no pool in our complex and she's probably poor like i am and can't afford to turn on the A/C in her apartment but it made for an awkward moment.
when i got to the laundry room the washing machine had stopped mid cycle because the load had become unbalance so it had 14min left on the cycle. CRAP! now i have to walk by that lady again. i walked quickly through the courtyard to avoid eye contact while she played in the puddles. when i came down again to switch over my laundry she was now laying on her stomach while (who i can only assume was her son) was running the hose over her back and he himself was completely soaked sitting in a little plastic chair. once again awkward. when i had to walk back through again up to my condo she was sitting up and he had the hose shoved down the front of her shirt pouring water down her cleavage. now i felt awkward for him, "Hey son could you cool off my boobies, their so hot and sweaty." Really? that kid is going to need major therapy when he gets older. maybe i should suggest that we all go in on an inflatable pool together and fill it up on the weekends so we can all lay in it together. we can put out fliers around the complex and make it into a full blown pool party. BBQ on the little grille and sit on the small picnic bench. shoot let's buy a pinata and stuff it with dollar store candy that probably has lead in it because it's from China. it'd be great. neighborhood pool party......BYOB......Bring Your Own Boy......that kid can't cool off everyone's breasts.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

CRUD it's FREAKING.............H...O...T

i figured that when i moved away from Phoenix i would have been away from this blistering heat. WRONG---O! Man, it's just as bad out here in the Inland Empire. Not sure why it's an empire, since there are only freeways, trash, rocks, and dirt. So hurray for you Emperor your ruling land is an awesome cloud of smog. Seriously i'm DYING here in my condo. Literally dying. my body is slowly loosing all it's moisture and drying out to be a shriveled piece of human jerky. what really sucks about this heat is that 1) i have no pool to cool off in. sure i could lay down in the middle of the sidewalk where the puddles of water are from the stupid sprinklers that don't work correctly and water the concrete instead of our little patch of grass. i'm sure my neighbors wouldn't think i was a freak. 2) i don't have central air. all i have are 2 stupid wall units that are the size of toasters and not the 4 slice kind. they're the $7 special at Wal-mart that only have one setting of scorcher. tell me how am i supposed to cool off 800 sqft with toasters? HUH? answer me that genius! 3) the unit in my bedroom is only a foot of the floor. anyone see what's wrong here? yeah, that's right heat rises. Hmmmmm, let's think about this. if heat rises then let's cool the floor because obviously then the hot air will go to the ceiling........yeah.......that will work. NO IDIOT! you cool the air up above so it falls down and circulates the hot air out.
so what i've resorted too is just turning on the unit in my bedroom because i only really care to be comfortable when i sleep and leave the doors shut to my room so it's my little sanctuary of cool. i come home from work fill my bath with cold water and sit in it until my body temperature is down far enough that i can stand to be in the living room. also, i was the mental case that chose the upstairs apartment which makes this whole heat situation compounded because as we reviewed before heat rises. unfortunately i'm too cheap to run the A/C unit in the living room because i'm afraid to see what the electric bill will be, after all this is California and everything is always more expensive out here.
i'm really considering buying a small plastic kiddie pool and putting it in my living room so when i get hot i can just take a quick dip. of course if it gets a hole or a crack in it i just might be royally screwed and there isn't a life guard on duty so i might drown.
i see these little kids out in their yards playing in their little inflatable pools and wish so greatly i could just jump in and join them but i don't really want to have charges pressed against me or a gun put to my head. now if i could only find an inflatable pool full of grown men. where are those neighborhoods? San Francisco? That's it........i'm moving.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Movers are now a requirement

In my recent relocation to CA from AZ my company had included in my signing deal the agreement to pay for a moving service to relocate my belongings. How dare they spoil me with such a luxury, I can never go back to moving my own stuff. All I had to do was sit on my butt and point to items I wanted them to pack and then furniture and boxes they needed to load. Could it be any easier? Only unless they find a way to teleport the items with my mind, but unfortunately the Force is still under research with NASA and their crew of Star Wars experts.

I was wondering why I had spent all those years in college telling my friends I was having a “moving party” where I proceeded to bribe them with the promise of bagels for breakfast or pizza for dinner or a make out session after the unpacking (unfortunately no one ever took me up on that offer). Little did I know that if I had a moving company I could have had a “moving party” where I actually really just had a party. I would invite all my friends over to the house when the movers would be there and since everyone would show up and hour late they’d be just in time to see the movers show up to pack my stuff and then they could enjoy as I did sitting with my feet up on the coffee table as these packers slaved away shoving my items into boxes and wondering how many more shoes they were going to have to pack. We could have sat around the pool playing volleyball and BBQing only to be disturbed every once in a while with the question, “do you want all of these bobble heads in one box?” "Yes", I would say, "Yes, I do because I would hate to have to open a box and only have it contain one bobble head instead of all 60 in my collection." (I don’t really have a collection of bobble heads but you get the picture)

And the even better part is when I arrived at my new condo they were there the next day with their truck full of goodies and I could sit there at my table checking off the boxes as they unloaded them and give them the location to place it. “Yes, would you please leave my bed in the living room? I think I would like to sleep there for the night.” I didn’t have to grunt and groan going up and down stairs with box after box. The only difficulty I found was when they would read off the numbers on the boxes I didn’t always understand what they said? “that was 3….4…..what? did he just say………..shoe? Since when is that a number? What 86? That’s not even on the sheet? Oh wait he meant 98, he just read it upside down.” (This children is why you stay in school and why it’s important that if you move to another country you take time to learn the language.)

What a fantastic way to relocate. I will always now use movers when I have to transplant to another location. Well of course when I have someone else to pay for it. I mean are you kidding? I don’t have that kind of money. Who do you think I am? I have more shoes to buy!

Friday, July 2, 2010

Can i use a tape disenser?

I was at my new office scanning in loads of documents for a project close-out (just what I wanted to do my first week of work) but hey might as well relax a little before the storm hit this summer. (figuratively not literally I’m not sure if CA has a monsoon season like AZ) anyway around noon the other ladies in the office take off for the rest of the day and I’m sitting there all by myself with my music and my computer. First thing I think is, “hey I can now do my work with my pants off.” Then a friend suggests that I just be totally naked, I mean Why Not? There’s no one here and nor will there be the rest of the day. But I just can’t bring myself to do it. What if a delivery person comes walking in? How would I explain that one? “Um, well sir see I spilled something all over my clothes, every inch in fact. So I just decided I should strip down to my skivvies and do my work in my under garments.” Not sure he’d buy it but I’d definitely be the best thing he’d have to talk about all day and share with his coworkers when i got back to the office. "hey dudes guess what? i totally caught this girl at the office in her panties and then her friend came out of the other office in her panties and they totally had a pillow fight." of course you know this is what the guy would tell his buddies because they all exaggerate.

Anyway so it was lunch time when they leave and I’m searching our cramped office for a can opener. There is none to be found. Nothing. So as my nasty dried pasta dish is cooking in the microwave (I unfortunately did not have a fridge at my house at that moment so had to eat nasty processed food) I’m wondering how I can open my can without a can opener. I then do what every normal person would do in that situation, I check the internet. And once again the World Wide Web has come to my aide (sort of) you can open a can with just a regular knife. The only problem is all I have access to is a dull butter knife and some crappy office scissors. Ok…….I think to myself…..let’s give that butter knife a shot. I grab a knife and then start to pound the top of the can. Nothing but little dimples of dents begin to show up. No good. I than decide that I need something to strike against the end of the knife. ‘Oh, I know. This tape dispenser. Yeah, that should work.” WRONG! What was I thinking? Did I actually think that small piece of mesh cloth would hold against the knife? HA! I start to strike and then grains of sand start to spill on the counter top. I turn the dispenser over and see that the sand that keeps the dispenser weighted is now spilling all over the counter like grains of salt. Crap! I quickly grab the packing tape and patch up the bottom and put the tape back on the counter. Sorry for ruining the tape dispener boss put it in the next change order. Ok, well the can still isn’t open.

I looked over at our recruiter’s desk. Hmmmmm, well she has some scissors that are pointy. I can give them a shot. I hammer the scissors down on top of the can. “POP!” YES! Success I have penetrated the seal. Ok now back to the butter knife and after several strikes with the tip I get a hole in the top. I shove in the end and pry open a little hole. I take out the knife and there is the nasty liquid on the knife. I wipe it on my jeans and continue to pry open the can. Yeah, that’s right I just wipe it on my jeans, I can’t take time to stop the progress. Besides this was the 3rd day I’d worn the jeans and they were going in the wash when I got home anyway. Man, get off my back. Don't judge me, you know that you don't wash your jeans everyday. I grab another crappy pair of office scissors and make a cut. Oh…..we’re getting somewhere now. I make a hole big enough that I can shake out the turkey chunks into the nasty pasta and at least get some protein in my lunch. So there you go YouTube you can open a can with a knife and crappy office scissors. Don’t use a tape dispenser the results are less then successful.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Heart Healthy? I'm not sure

When i was in the store the other day in the check out line i see that the lady in front of me has a box of Chocolate Cheerios! Um, i thought cheerios were supposed to be heart healthy? Tell me how chocolate is a benefit. you might as well just pour yourself a glass with chocolate milk because i've heard that it's actually good for your muscle building. Are you serious? Can this be really happening? This is every woman's dream come true (except those that hate chocolate then you have other dreams that i hope too will someday come true for you). That means in the morning i can pour myself a bowl of chocolate cheerios and soak them with my chocolate milk and get two benefits in one bowl! Then next i can crush up some Oreo cookies and sprinkle them in the mix because guess what they make? Sugar Free Oreos Yep you heard me. So really it doesn't even add calories.........right? I think this is what they serve in heaven for breakfast every morning. Along with pancakes topped with ice cream and stuffed french toast.

Chocolate for breakfast...........what a way to to start your day. Let's hope you're running 5miles after.