Tuesday, October 30, 2012

And it went like this

As I may have mentioned before my complex is a congregating ground for homeless people. Apparently there is a VACANCY sign posted in the local homeless chapter break room with the little pieces of paper hanging from the bottom of the posting with the address for the carports along my complex drive. And the other day I was able to have a brief conversation with a once homeless man who had incidentally found a place to live and was coming back to claim his belongings.

Let me set the scene for you. I was walking out of my house to my carport with the intention of driving out to LA to hang with a friend for the weekend. As I walk to the end of our little grassy knoll I see that there is a little white car blocking the exit of my carport and this is where the story begins:

“Hey do you think you could move your car a bit so I can get my car out of the carport?” The lady driving the vehicle just stares at me slightly slack jaw as if I just asked her if she was wearing underwear.

Enter the short man in the black t-shirt, “Oh, hey. Well see I have my stuff stored here and I live in Lancaster now and I came back to get my stuff and see I had all my things here in your cupboards but now they’re all spread out”

“Yep…….well……….there is a lot of people that are going through these cupboards so they probably took some stuff and moved it.”

“Yeah, see I had it all in one spot. I had all my baby pictures and stuff and I found some of my things in this cupboard and the one next to it and the one at the end. I had this duffle bag full of clothes that still had the tags on them and everything.”

Now let’s pause one second here. When I hear this man’s plight of strewn out belongings I think to myself (so you’re telling me you had brand new clothes but you didn’t have a place to live? Hmmm, interesting. I guess new cargo shorts are more important than a bed to sleep in.) Let’s continue.

“Yeah, I’m not really sure what to tell you. I see people walking around these carports all the time so they probably took your stuff.”

“Well you know, I tried to put it all in one spot and I even put screws on the doors to keep them closed but you know someone opened them I guess.”

“Yeah………….so is there something you need? Do you need help with something?”

“Oh no I just need to get into your cupboard and get the rest of my stuff……you know.”

“Ok……..well if you move your car I can get out of your way because I’m leaving anyway.”

“Oh, ok. Well thanks for letting me use your space.”

“You’re fine man, I don’t use it anyway”

Now I was on the phone with my friend for the very beginning of this conversation and out of courtesy I told her I would call her back because I had a feeling it was going to be longer than a 30sec interlude. When I called her back she tells me, “That sounded like the beginning of an SNL skit.” And now that I think about it………..I’m pretty sure a series of skits could be made from the homeless scenarios that have played out in my complex. I could possibly even write a book with short memoirs called “Happenings of the Homeless: Real life carport living” I’d sell a million copies, do signings in bookstores and then have copyrights to the SNL skits that would follow. Not sure if a movie could be made from the book ………………..maybe one for TV. I could even put “Based on Real Life Events” to make it more legit. Maybe in my hours of spare time I’ll start the scripts for the skits.

But in other news mark this on our calendars: Belly Laugh Day Jan 24th, careful not to pee while laughing.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Campaign Against Skinny Jeans

I am impatiently awaiting for the fashion of skinny jeans to be over. Last night I was at a concert at the Greek Theatre which I realize is the ant hill of hipsters and so shouldn’t be surprised when I see a grown man in an oversized cream sweater with red skinny jeans rolled up to look like capris but I am still confused by the appeal. I just have a couple questions: (1) Why do you want to dress in such a way I have to look at your face to see if you are really a man because the rest of your outfit screams feminine. (2) Why do you want to advertise that you are skinny? Since when was looking like a scarecrow become an attractive male form? I get that tight pants are not a new concept in our culture I mean most athletes where tight fitting clothing but I believe this is so their clothing doesn’t impair their movement or get caught in a bike spoke and let’s be honest they have some nice items to show off, mainly muscles that are big in all the right places. I mean….. is the reason I go to the ballet because I really love the dancing, Yes, but do I also enjoy the fact that the men are in tights and they’re firm butts are so nicely packaged I feel like I’m looking at a sweet piece of candy ready to have a bite taken out of? And football………do I really care which team wins, maybe if I have a bet on the line, but when they do close up shots of the field and the fabric is stretched over their cut quads I can’t help but cheer for better camera angles and I don’t remember which team decided they should put a line of accent color down the back of their pants but the contours of their legs suddenly become a landscape I would like to see out my window every morning. But somehow this just doesn’t translate into skin hugging jeans. When bigger men wear skinny jeans it just looks silly. Like they’re trying to fit into their sisters borrowed wardrobe because they incidentally lost every article of clothing in a fire and ran out of clothes options. And when the skinny boy wears them all I think is, “Does he know we have protein to eat?” But a friend of mine made an inquisitive point, “Doesn’t it hurt the man parts?” One would think if there was something in the way, these constrictive linens would be all the more bothersome. I had a friend from high school state once, “You know why cowboys don’t have kids? Cause their jeans keep the juice from flowing.” Perhaps there is some truth to this statement. And this has given me a valid purpose for those skinny jeans. Ladies, if a guy is able to wear this 2nd layer of skin fabrics then perhaps the goods he has aren’t quite the grade A quality we are looking for? I can now see this as a prescreening process and a quicker process of elimination. I now thank you men in skinny jeans; it has given me a quick way to weed through the “haves” and “have nots”. So carry on men, wear your hip hugging pants and thank you for making the social dating pool easier to select from.

But let’s discuss Olympic Swimwear, I feel this is a topic we can ALL enjoy