What is a resolution?

So here we are 2011……… isn’t the world supposed to be on the brink of apocalyptic detriment? Aren’t we supposed to engulfed in water or scavenging for food with our futuristic laser guns? I want a laser gun but all I have is a helix super soaker still in the box on my shelf that was given as a birthday gift years ago. Maybe I should just dust it off and run around my complex acting like everyone that passes by is a zombie and they have to be melted by my acid toting gun. I don’t think the adults in the neighborhood would find it too funny but I’m sure the kids would be completely on board to run around and water fight. My new year’s was pretty low key this year. Went to the Gameworks in the mall and spent an hour playing arcade games but was soon bored because all there was to choose from was fighting, shooting or racing games and after wasting my buddy at almost every game we played I didn’t really have the need to stomp his face in anymore. After my complete ass kicking my stomach was growling for nutrition so we went for pasties and a shout out to the Cornish Pasty Co. in Mesa……..holla……..miss that place, I stuffed my face with a sausage and potato pasty by then it was 11pm and I was like, “Crap. It’s an hour till midnight I need to find a place to yell and scream and make noise and watch fireworks because they are now legal in AZ.” Finally they have joined in the art of backyard pyrotechnics where you shove that little tank full of sparklers and firecrackers and watch the thing blow up and burn. Over to my friend’s house we went. They were playing board games and my buddy and I jumped in on “Imaginiff” which consequently a silly game to play with a bunch of strangers because the imagining part isn’t nearly as funny as when you can turn to your friend and say, “If you were to be any part on the body I would imagine you would be the butt.” 4min till midnight we went out to the parking lot to light off the various fountains and sparklers and blow the noise makers. And it was FAH-REEZING!!! I’m talking frozen snot from your nose cold. And if I had a beard there would have been icicles on it. (I only have one beard hair which isn’t nearly strong enough to support the weight of an entire icicle). So we were all bundled in our animal skins and mukluks watching the pretty lights from the fountains. Now as tradition in my family we jump through these small firework fountains because we are crazy and do stupid things. I went first and jumped over braving the spewing sparks and was only able to convince my one buddy to come with me (shout out to my once bearded friend who was then recently shaven as a Christmas gift to his Mom. He would have had several icicles hanging from his furry face. You ROCK at fountain jumping!!) On my last jump through the spectacular lights I ended up with a mass of sparks shooting up in my face (*as a note this is not recommended for children under the ages of 18 unsupervised by an adult or for people who are wimps and are afraid of sparkly things) as a precaution I always cover my face when going through the spray because remember kids “safety first” I don’t want to lose an eye but I almost did. I had a little burn mark next to my right eye and several burn marks on my jacket from the over spray of flamage. Humorously one of the burn marks is directly over my right nipple and it makes me laugh every time I see it. It’s a guiding arrow for those guys who might lose their way. So after freezing our fingers off, fireworks, blowing noise makers and shouting “Happy New Year” to the neighbors we went back inside where I realized I now smelled like I had just come out of the sulfur mines. Only a handful of us stayed at the party because everyone else were apparently old crusties that turned into a large gourd vegetable after midnight. C’mon people the next day was Saturday it’s not like anyone had to work the next day. We played a round of apples-to-apples that progressively became a game of dirty innuendos and inappropriate comments. I mean really, “Hard and Fast” what card would you match to that as a synonym? “My last boyfriend” HELLO!!
So Happy New Year to you all and good luck on your resolutions. I never make any because what’s the point of making a list of items you don’t intend to do. Instead why not make a list you do intend to keep such as: 1) do the dishes 2) wash my dirty clothes 3) buy a new TV 4) learn to scuba dive 5) hike to the top of Macchu Picchu. Happy goings on 2011 let there be many laser guns.