Thursday, March 3, 2011

The War has Begun

I absolutely without a doubt HATE the cat in my neighborhood and am declaring war on his stray cat nation. Monday night I was attempting to do some cardio workout quickly realizing I am a wimp and probably shouldn’t have taken off the entire holiday season from exercise. So as I am on the floor struggling to work my core a smell of crap seeps under the door. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SMELL!!! It stinks like a pile of dookie. I can only assume that the stupid stray cat is back. At that point in time it’s around 11:30pm and I was tired so I just go to bed hoping that the smell would be gone by morning. Unfortunately my wish did not come true and I fired my magic genie. Last time I buy a magic lamp from a swap meet. I open the door and there it is a nice little pile of cat crap sitting on the landing of my stairwell. Had the cat had thumbs he probably would have put it in a brown bag and lit it on fire. The cloud of stench was hanging in the air, completely disgusted I grabbed a piece of paper that was laying on the ground and scraped up as much of the crap as I could, being very careful to keep it from touching any part of my body. I dump the poop covered paper in the bushes at the end of my stairs. I then go back upstairs and use the phone book left for my neighbor to rub off the rest of the brown streak. I maneuver the plastic bag covering the phone book round and round scraping off the crap. I then kick the book down to the bottom of the stairs and leave it by my neighbor’s door. It’s my gift to him; after all he fills my stairwell with 2nd hand smoke I feel it’s only fair I leave him the wonderful scent of poop. When I get home from work I soak the area with kitchen cleaner and when I come back from the movies the entire spot is rubbed clean. I can only assume my next door neighbor stepped in this area while going into his apartment. I kind of feel bad but then soon remember he is the one that started feeding the dumb stray cat to begin with and then snicker under my breath. I have decided to buy a pellet gun and shoot the cat in the butt the next time I see it, maybe then he’ll understand I mean business.

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