Friday, May 20, 2011

Salchicha my ASS!!

Ever have those days where you’re so excited to each lunch you can wait to open the to-go box and once you do you realize your meal is the worst thing on Earth? Well let me share a story with you. I decided to celebrate the fake holiday of Cinco de Mayo and go get me some nice Mexican food. “Hmmmm,” I thought to myself, “what should I eat?.........tacos, enchiladas,……………….TORTA!!! Yes, the awesomely amazing Mexican deli sandwich.” I go online and find one in the local area that has a rave review on Yelp. Only (1) review but the guy was pretty descriptive so I figured it ought to be legit. Plus I work out in the ghetto desert land and there probably aren’t many people who post Yelp reviews let alone have the technology savvy to even attempt it. I jump in my car at lunch break knowing I only have a limited time because my work schedule was busy that day. I drive around trying to find the place because it’s in an old run down strip mall and the signs are small and faded. “Yes, a dive restaurant. Whole in the wall. Family owned. Best kind to eat at.” I think as I pull between the loaded down Toyota truck and the oxidizing Nissan, “this is going to be the best torta EVER!!!” I push open the glass door, RING, goes the little bell. I walk up to the counter behind the women talking to the cashier and I start surveying the sandwich options. It takes me awhile to find the English translation but I find the various meat options, beef, chicken, pork, breaded beef, etc. As I’m looking at the entirety of the menu and taking in the quaintness of the shop and the interesting decoration of #10 cans I see a faded sign made from construction paper. “Torta de hoy. Salchicha.” OH YES!!!!! The torta of the day is sausage. JACKPOT!!! Not only do I get a torta I get a sausage one. There isn’t much more in life I like than sausage *wink wink* (that’s for you dirty birds). I step to the counter and the woman behind the register greets me in Spanish and asks what I’d like. I wonder if I had blonde hair and blue eyes would this woman have automatically used English to speak to me? I order my torta and jamica aguas frescas and wait for her to call my number. I sparingly sip my jamica wanting to wait till I get back to the office to gulp down my meal with this wondrous beverage. My order is up; I grab the paper bag and speed back to work. My mouth is watering in anticipation of the soft grilled bread filled with hot sausage. I run out of my car to my little camping chair set up outside on the deck and put my feet up so I have a level platform to set my sandwich on, I open the top of the to-go box and there it is; the perfect looking torta. Fresh bread with perfect black grill marks, lettuce, tomato, oh my mouth is craving a bite. Then I pick up half and slowly bring it to my mouth but as it moves towards my face I notice something. WTH? Those are not sausages, those are EFFING HOT DOGS!!!!! I wanted to scream and throw my meal to the ground, stop on it 10 times and then kick into the baseball field. WHAT KIND OF CRAP IS THIS!!! I scream inside my head. They expect me to accept a nasty processed food bits as sausage. I just paid $4 for a sandwich that costs them $1.5? I mean if you’re going to use hot dogs at least use all beef or kosher, not $0.50 mashed up lips and hooves. My stomach was grumbling and my mouth was soured. My perfect meal ruined by pink spongy meat substitute. Wanting to cry I begrudgingly ate the sandwich, I did pay for it after all. I knew that I would be regretting it that afternoon but my stomach needed something to calm it down. But when I got back to my desk I joined Yelp and wrote a horrible review about their salchicha torta. “A damn lie”, is what I put, “however the frescas was great.” Lesson learned: when you order ask if salchicha actually translates to hot dog. I can’t say I won’t go back because perhaps their other selections are better but I just might try another one first. But on a better note joining Yelp gave me some super sweet deal tickets to the Dodger vs Giants game, access to the stadium club and 20% off the merch store, so I guess that lunch wasn’t all bad.

Nature connection of the day: Check out this Bad-A squid

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