Monday, January 17, 2011

I want to poison a stray cat

My wonderful neighbor likes to feed the stray cats in our neighborhood, which that’s great he cares for God’s creatures, but these cats are mangy. Scraggly haired, dirty, scavenging, raggedy cats. I personally cannot stand them and find them utterly annoying. At night they cat fight and yell and howl which makes falling asleep all the harder. They used to be skinny and starved and now they are fat and comfortable. They know when my neighbor is home and so come by his door every night begging and meowing for food. I scare them off constantly. I chase them away or yell at them because I don’t want them to get too comfortable. Unfortunately Friday night one of them decided they were entirely too comfortable. I was lying on my couch relaxing and recuperating from the busy week when a stench so potent my nose hairs were burning entered the apartment. I opened the door to see the nasty cat sitting on the landing. I scared it off assuming the cat was what smelled all kinds of awful. Unfortunately it wasn’t. the next morning I was up early and out of the house running around and wasn’t back till the afternoon and when I came back I fell asleep on the couch and was out to dinner after I woke up. When I was walking up to my house I was completely startled by this black cat racing down the stairs and off into the street. I almost had a heart attack and required CPR from an extremely cute paramedic. But instead I shorted my life by 3 yrs. When I walked into the house I was greeted with the smell of a puke swamp. It smelled like a freaking urine pot. I quickly opened the windows and lit candles trying to get rid of the smell. I thought maybe the cats had been hanging out on the landing all day and so the stench had wafted into my apartment. The smell subsided but didn’t disappear. I decided to get to the bottom of this odor mystery and find out what was really causing the smell. My first suspicion was that the cat had peed on my welcome mat outside my door. I opened my door and leaned down and as I went to smell the door mat I caught the stench before I got there. The cat had peed on my threshold and the urine had soaked into my walk-in mat. I almost hurled from the smell. I picked up the mat and threw it away in the dumpster. I’ve heard that smell is pretty much impossible to get rid of so I might as well just buy another mat. I then poured bleach along the threshold. Now instead of smelling a landfill soaked in urine I smelled bleach that reminds me of swimming pools and I love to swim. The next morning there was still the faint smell of urine. I thought maybe it was residual from the smell the night before but just in case I opened the door and started spraying the carpet right by the door with cleaner. I was rubbing it in with a scrub brush when I noticed on the door there were streaks along the bottom of the door. Fearing the worst I slowly leaned into the door. HOLY HELL!!! I almost fell over from the wretched smell. The cat had actually peed on my door and it had run down soaking my mat. I soaked the door with cleaner and then washed it with bleach hoping that would take care of the smell. After the door had dried there was still the faint smell of urine, I leaned in and smelled the door again and it STILL reeked. The urine had actually soaked into the wood and will now serve as a permanent odor freshener for my house. Sweet! My house now smells like cat butt. I kindly wrote a note to my neighbor asking him if he could PLEASE feed the cats at the bottom of the stairs and explained the smelly situation I was now in. He took away the little feeding bowl but that doesn’t mean they won’t come around begging for food. Today after work I’m going to search for a spray at a pet store specifically made to get rid of the piss smell and perhaps buy those plants that deter cats from coming around. Apparently there are some plants that fill cats’ noses with the smell of a landfill urine swamp. My neighbors will think I’m green but I’m really just torturing the olfactory’s of the stupid alley cats. If I was a mean person I’d just poison them with car coolant. Sure maybe I’ve thought about it but I wouldn’t actually do it. That’s animal murder.

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