Superman works at the Laundromat

Well ladies and gentlemen Superman has officially retired to be an employee at the Coin Laundry in Pomona, CA. How do I know this? Well because that’s where I wash my underwear and I talked to the man himself. See as it so happens I pretty much have to do a load of laundry at least once a week (can’t be wearing crusty chonies) and I was down at my standard laundry place and the attendant looking after the place was this middle aged Caucasian man with dark hair starting to gray at the temples just above the ears. He was wearing a pretty non-descript wardrobe; white t-shirt, faded jeans, and tennis shoes. I was standing at the washing machine reading my study material for work and he comes up and starts chatting, asking if I wanted the channel on the TV changed, I told him it was fine because I wasn’t watching it anyway and he says, “Well I’m going to turn it to Biggest Loser when it comes on, I like that show.” He then went about his business of emptying the coin catchers, sweeping the floor and wiping down the machines. He walked by a couple of times and once asking if I was cold cause I was in shorts and it was cold outside and that he was cold cause he was just in a t-shirt and that he forgot to bring his jacket. I think he was excited that someone else in the Laundromat spoke English. But I didn’t think Superman ever needed a jacket; couldn’t he just warm his skin whenever he wanted? Or perhaps that was part of his cover; he wanted to appear like everyone else.
When it came time to dry my clothes I walked over to the dryers and was trying to figure out if perhaps one dried better than another and if it was the one that was less used. And once again Superman came to my rescue, “Do you know how to use these machines? They’re they good ones to use cause they have more air circulation. See you just have to make sure you clean out the lint trap.” And so he bends over to clean out the trap on the bottom dryer and there it is, his secret identity revealed. There on the blue band of his underwear were the words “MAN OF STEEL” HA!! I caught him, here he thought he could live out his days of retirement in secrecy and peace but I know better. Now I know if I need a tank or bus moved I just have to head down the street and call on Superman the mild mannered laundry attendant. But what would have been even more helpful is if he told me that on one wall the dryers ran for 9min but on the other wall they ran for 10min which means I would have gotten and extra minute of drying for my quarter spent on heated air. Next time I just might ask him to blow on my panties and have them dried in an instant and save that 25 cents to buy an awesome piece of gold jewelry in the little red vending machines, like a pinky ring that makes me look “pimp tight”.

Curious

A few weeks ago I was waiting for a friend at the local CVS store. I was standing outside on the sidewalk waiting for her to drive up and as I was waiting I received an interesting request from a passing stranger. A guy in a well-used SUV slowly rolled up to me with his arm extended from the window and a cell phone in his hand to ask, “Will you answer this phone call for me?” A little puzzled I questioned him, “why don’t you just call back the number after they hang up?” “The number says unavailable so I can’t call them back.” Ok, well that logic makes sense except I still don’t know why he is asking me to answer the call. If it’s someone he’s trying to avoid then why doesn’t he just ignore the phone call and let them leave a message? And if I did answer and they asked for him who’s to say I wouldn’t just hand the phone back over to him which would completely defeat the purpose of me answering. “Um, ok I guess,” was the answer I gave him. “never mind, they just hung up.” And away he drove. Perhaps this fellow wasn’t a master of disguise or possesses finesse at lying but it would seem that if an unavailable number kept calling your cell phone and never leaving a message you could simple answer the call the next time it rang and state that they had the wrong number, people frequently change their cell phone numbers so this would be a plausible excuse. What I really wonder is what was going through his mind? Did he think I would have a conversation with this person on his behalf? Did he think I would lie to them for him? That’s a little presumptuous. For all he knew I could have answered the phone and said, “Well he’s right here next to me but was afraid to answer the phone because he didn’t know the number which makes me think he’s trying to avoid you.” I could have ratted him out to whoever was on the other line. I could have made up a story that he was attacked by rabid bunnies and was so horribly disfigured that the doctors could only identify him by the wax in his ear. I guess we’ll never know what I would have done since that person decided it was time to hang up.

Adventures at the laundromat

So now that I am forced to drive down to my local laundry mat and pump my quarters into old machines that don’t ever really clean your clothes and take 3 hours to dry them I have had my first awesome Laundromat experience. For the most part I’ve been able to clean my clothes undisturbed and left in peace to read my various books. But I did attempt to use the bathroom which was my first mini-adventure. First of all the bathroom costs money to use………shocker I know, but those of you that live in ghetto neighborhoods know that there are many vagrants, drugged out wanderers, trouble makers and straight out crazy people; so many businesses will make a person pay for a bathroom to avoid vandals and those looking for a place to crash during the night. Well one day someone that had used the bathroom didn’t shut the door all the way and it was left open to public use and I needing to pee decided to attempt the facility. Well I can say that despite the fact that it costs money it didn’t really detour vandals from graffiti and making their mark on the walls and toilet. It’s really a statement to spray paint a toilet, “Life’s crap man” or at least that’s what I imagine it says if I could actually read the scribbling. Now I’m not sure the staff actual cleans the bathroom maybe cause it costs money they just ignore it because they don’t want to take that $.25 out of their pay check but it didn’t looked like it had been cleaned in the last year and it smelled like it too; the stench of urine hit as soon as you walked in the door. That is when I decided that I could wait until I got home. But if you think about it, if I was a homeless person I’d find a pay bathroom to live in, I mean if you paid to sleep there every night your rent would only be $91 a year and you’d have free maid service because the staff would clean up the place, it’d really be a sweet deal except you’d have to sleep with the stench of pee in your nose all night.
But on to my great adventure; the last time I was in the Laundromat I was sitting at the little bench reading the Adventure of Sherlock Holmes (which is a fun book to read) and this little Asian man comes up to me and asks if I have a cell phone he can borrow. I just give him this quizzical, “Are you serious?” look and he pulls his phone out of his pocket “I’m out of batteries.” In the next 5 seconds my mind goes through a series of thoughts: Is this guy for real? Is he really just cheap and doesn’t want to pay for minutes? What if he runs off with my phone? What if he has some nasty ear fungus that gets on my phone? What if he has a nasty mouth infection that drips ONTO my phone? I hate the Laundromat! Why do I have to live in a ghetto complex? Why doesn’t a cute guy ask to borrow my phone? Gross did you see his teeth, I think they are literally rotting in place. But even after this internal struggle I decided to be nice and let the guy borrow my phone and make his phone call. I figure if he ran off with it I could either chase him down or let him have it since it was only $20. After he finishes his brief conversation he sits on the bench next to me and starts to ask questions; do you live around here? “yes, down the street.” Are you married? “No, but I have a boyfriend.” That’s good you’re not married. “…..” What is that in your hand? “A Kindle.” Oh wow, let me see it? “Um……….ok,” as he grabs the device from my hand. Now I’m a little paranoid that he’ll drop it and it’s not exactly cheap. I quickly explain how it works and then take it from him to save any potential damage. Do you live around here? (he asks again) “yes, down the street.” And then I go to check on my laundry. Now I try to be a kind person, I let him use my phone a couple times and I tried not to be rude while talking to him but I couldn’t stop staring at his brown teeth and wondering what it was that made his breath smell so bad. Did he eat rats marinated in urine for dinner? I avoided going back to the bench and he eventually finished his laundry and left but I imagine it’s only a matter of time before I find another friend while washing my undies.

Check out these super cute pandas. I want to work here just to hold one of these little fluff balls.

missing the laundry

I may have mentioned that I live in the ghetto and often get to experience ghetto things. Like the fact that I literally no longer have any functioning washers or dryers in my condo complex. At first is started with the fact that the dryers would trip a breaker every time you used them leaving you with half dried clothes that would smell musty if you did not catch the fact that the breaker just tripped and your clothes were not done drying. Then you would have to rescue them from that metal beast and hang them on your window shades and let them air dry which would incidentally block out all the sunshine coming into my apartment making it seem as if I were living in a cave. Which would be cool if I was actually in a cave but I’m not, I’m in my apartment that has windows to which I let the sunshine through. However my apartment did smell of “fresh linen” which is a scent frequently put out by odor freshening companies and I get to experience it firsthand. If I could have bottled that smell I would have then sold it as “the real linen smell” and make millions and then moved from my crappy complex to live in a place with a functioning washer and dryer but then my company would be deflated because I could no longer bottle the fresh linen smell because I’d have a dryer that worked. But I digress from the ghetto point here. I adapted to this lifestyle of just washing my clothes and hanging them in my apartment because I like convenience. I appreciate the fact I can run down to the laundry room put in my $.50 (which is stellar cheap for a wash) and then run back up to my apartment and do important things like wax my legs while my clothes were being spun around like a fly on a ceiling fan.
Unfortunately the washing machines started to trip the breaker to the laundry room so you would be left with your clothes only half through the cycle sitting in a tub of water not being washed or moving. This happened once and I had to make an emergency call to a friend and use her machines after I pulled out each article of clothing and wring it dry to the best of my ability. But I figured out a way around this problem by plugging the washing machine into a different outlet. The one outlet in the room that would not trip the breaker and once again I was back to my ghetto washing routine. Well as the weeks went on someone kept unplugging the washing machines. I believe it to be the people who clean and up keep the grounds but I would always just plug them back in, after all my clothes still needed to be washed. Well one day I walk down with my stack of laundry only to find that the cords to the machines were cut. WTH?!?!?! They actually cut off every plug to every washing machine. Now I can’t even wash my clothes. I didn’t really understand this purpose. They were still getting their $.50 a load why did they care? This was rather upsetting and I’ve sent several complaint emails to my property manager who doesn’t really seem too concerned that I now have to drive down to the laundry mat to do my wash where it costs $1.00 a load, which I realize isn’t very much money but it’s the principle of the matter. My rent includes $240 of a monthly HOA fee of which went to the laundry room that no longer works. I think I should just start deducting $40 a month for the water I am no longer paying for to run these machines. Or I am going to put these machines up on craigslist and sell them for laundry money.
And as a side note someone decided to change their oil in my carport and spilled the oil down the entire port leaving a slick mess in which someone could slip on and sue the living pants off the HOA because they do not properly clean their property. I’m just saying this could and might happen in the near future.
But check out this awesome wombat that I want to adopt as a pet and snuggle with and teach it to do my laundry and my dishes and perhaps cook a decent meal.

Man I LOVE cheap

Yesterday I decided to take a walk across campus and get my lunch. It was nice and sunny outside and there weren’t any students on campus so I deemed it perfect walking weather. On my way to Subway I passed by the super cheap clothing store I always see and think “I should go in there and look around” but then never do because when I get out of work I just want to go home and be in my undies. It so happens that this clothing store was having a little sidewalk sale, they had 3 racks of clothing outside and this incredibly cute skirt caught my eye. As I passed the cute skirt I promise myself I am going to check the price on my way back from getting food. I walk into Subway to find the school’s public relations director there. I wave, he waves, we chat. Come to find out the reason no students were on campus was because it was a faculty flex day and all the teachers were getting training. He was actually picking up a salad for one of the trainers. What a nice guy. I get my food, he gets his food and we go our separate ways to the same location. With sandwich in hand I stopped to check out the skirt. I examine the skirt and think, “Yes. This is cute enough to be in my closet. Let’s see how much it is. 1 FREAKING DOLLAR!!! No, way.” I double checked the price tag just to make sure and it was really only $1, along with many other items. SAH-WEET!!! I exclaim in my head and do a little happy jig. I’m totally going to buy this thing when I get out of work and actually have cash on me cause really………….I’d look silly using a credit card for $1. The card company might think it’s a fraudulent charge and then freeze my account. This is just an FYI note for you guys but when people steal credit cards they will first make a small purchase just to see if the card is working and once they know it is they rack up the dollars on hostess cakes and slurpees. I learned this from a credit card customer service agent and now I pass that info onto you. You’re welcome.

Back to the skirt. So I make it back to the trailer eat my sandwich, which was excellent. I love spinach on my wiches. And I get back to work. Well the afternoon Z’s hit around 2:30 like every day and I decide to go on a short walk around campus to wake myself up. That walk happened to include a short trip to the clothing store across the street. I grab a couple of bucks just in case I want to buy more than 1 of the $1 skirts and head out the door. Back at the rack I see that there is many a skirt that are cute enough to be in my closet. I end up getting 3 of them because the 4th one didn’t come in my size. I go in the store to make my purchase and when the cashier rings me up I see that they skirt is actually $.50, SAY WHAT!!! 50-cent, fiddy-cent, five-O. OMGosh! this is the best cheap clothing day ever! (Except the one time I got a cute jacket for $.30 but that’s a different story. That included a discount I had at the time.) In all, I spent $1.62 on those skirts. HOLY CRAP IT WAS AWESOME! I think I might actually make more than that in a minute……..or not but still. What can you get for $1.62? Apparently 3 awesome skirts that will probably all fall apart the first time I wash them and all the colors will bleed but WHO CARES!!! Oh and get this they even have a liner layer, which you can absolutely see through so I will still have to wear a slip but none the less they tried. I am a big fan of cheap stuff and when I get cheap things for even cheaper I get excited. Which is why I changed my own brake pads for $43 instead of paying a mechanic $160 because of course he said I needed new rotors. PSH! Yeah, right! What do you know Mr. Car Guy? If it were up to you you’d say I needed new tires and rims. I am wearing 1 of my new skirts this weekend and I will let you know if I am lead to an embarrassing moment with ripping and/or tearing.

P.S. I totally felt this earthquake yesterday at work that’s the 2nd one in 15mos of living here.

Haven for the Homless

Once again it seems my complex is housing another homeless person. Earlier this week I saw this lady pushing a shopping cart across the street with a broom, a door mat and other various items, her hair was tied up like Rosie the Riveter and since people with shopping carts aren’t unusual in my neighborhood I figured maybe she was the lady that cleaned up our courtyard and around the complex. The next day when I was in my kitchen I saw her again with her hair all tied up chatting and being chumming with some of the tenants and then yesterday morning as I was driving towards one of the car ports I see a bathroom cabinet mirror and clothes sitting against the wall of the car port. As I actually drive past the port I look in to see the same woman standing there which I can only assume was getting dressed. One of the storage doors was open to reveal a whole stack of clothes as if being used as a closet. So it would seem this woman has set up shop in a car port and this morning I drove past the same port again and see there is a make shift cardboard shelter with a chair added to the car port and the woman was digging through the dumpster and when I passed by she gave me a frantic look as if she were caught with her hand in the cookie jar. Well she doesn’t really have anything to sweat considering a don’t feel digging through a dumpster is really stealing or sneaking a cookie since all that stuff is free game and garbage. I have been known to snag some furniture items before it was disposed of, makes shopping for used furniture a whole lot more interesting. And to be honest there aren’t many mornings that I don’t pass by the dumpster and there isn’t someone digging in them trying to find bottles and cans or whatever treasures lay within the metal gift box of glorious goodies.
Now I can’t really blame the lady for taking residence in our complex. I mean no one really uses their car port except to leave their broken down cars for months on end or apparently have sex as I previously learned. I think I’m the only one that frequently uses it for its purpose and park my car there to keep it from getting hit by the elements. There are these large storage cabinets in each port which I put a huge bucket of paint in once that was somehow stolen and that is why I do not keep any of my camping gear stored in my unit.
There is also a laundry room that is free to anyone for washing their clothes. the door does have a lock and I can only imagine at some point they might have actually had a key for the room but that has obviously become a minor concern of security considering I found a guy sleeping in there and the dryers don’t work 90% of the time so you end up with wet clothes that you have to hang on your window shades to dry.
I supposed I could complain to HOA and have her chased off but who am I to say she can’t live in that car port? Maybe she used to live in one of the units and then her husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/cousin/ aunt/grandmother/3rd cousin by marriage kicked her out and said she wasn’t allowed to be in the house anymore unless she started dressing like a circus clown and making balloon animals. I don’t know her situation. But I figure at the very least she’s down on her luck and with the economy going into a 2nd recession I just might need some tips on how to live in a car port because that’s where I’ll end up when I get laid off. However I do intend to keep a bit of an eye open because if she starts thinking the whole lot of ports is hers and she starts turning mine into her bathroom we might have some words or the cops just might come to pay a visit. Eventually I think HOA might catch on and have her removed but until then I might give her a box of old clothes and some reading material, I wouldn’t want her to get bored.

Salchicha my ASS!!

Ever have those days where you’re so excited to each lunch you can wait to open the to-go box and once you do you realize your meal is the worst thing on Earth? Well let me share a story with you. I decided to celebrate the fake holiday of Cinco de Mayo and go get me some nice Mexican food. “Hmmmm,” I thought to myself, “what should I eat?.........tacos, enchiladas,……………….TORTA!!! Yes, the awesomely amazing Mexican deli sandwich.” I go online and find one in the local area that has a rave review on Yelp. Only (1) review but the guy was pretty descriptive so I figured it ought to be legit. Plus I work out in the ghetto desert land and there probably aren’t many people who post Yelp reviews let alone have the technology savvy to even attempt it. I jump in my car at lunch break knowing I only have a limited time because my work schedule was busy that day. I drive around trying to find the place because it’s in an old run down strip mall and the signs are small and faded. “Yes, a dive restaurant. Whole in the wall. Family owned. Best kind to eat at.” I think as I pull between the loaded down Toyota truck and the oxidizing Nissan, “this is going to be the best torta EVER!!!” I push open the glass door, RING, goes the little bell. I walk up to the counter behind the women talking to the cashier and I start surveying the sandwich options. It takes me awhile to find the English translation but I find the various meat options, beef, chicken, pork, breaded beef, etc. As I’m looking at the entirety of the menu and taking in the quaintness of the shop and the interesting decoration of #10 cans I see a faded sign made from construction paper. “Torta de hoy. Salchicha.” OH YES!!!!! The torta of the day is sausage. JACKPOT!!! Not only do I get a torta I get a sausage one. There isn’t much more in life I like than sausage *wink wink* (that’s for you dirty birds). I step to the counter and the woman behind the register greets me in Spanish and asks what I’d like. I wonder if I had blonde hair and blue eyes would this woman have automatically used English to speak to me? I order my torta and jamica aguas frescas and wait for her to call my number. I sparingly sip my jamica wanting to wait till I get back to the office to gulp down my meal with this wondrous beverage. My order is up; I grab the paper bag and speed back to work. My mouth is watering in anticipation of the soft grilled bread filled with hot sausage. I run out of my car to my little camping chair set up outside on the deck and put my feet up so I have a level platform to set my sandwich on, I open the top of the to-go box and there it is; the perfect looking torta. Fresh bread with perfect black grill marks, lettuce, tomato, oh my mouth is craving a bite. Then I pick up half and slowly bring it to my mouth but as it moves towards my face I notice something. WTH? Those are not sausages, those are EFFING HOT DOGS!!!!! I wanted to scream and throw my meal to the ground, stop on it 10 times and then kick into the baseball field. WHAT KIND OF CRAP IS THIS!!! I scream inside my head. They expect me to accept a nasty processed food bits as sausage. I just paid $4 for a sandwich that costs them $1.5? I mean if you’re going to use hot dogs at least use all beef or kosher, not $0.50 mashed up lips and hooves. My stomach was grumbling and my mouth was soured. My perfect meal ruined by pink spongy meat substitute. Wanting to cry I begrudgingly ate the sandwich, I did pay for it after all. I knew that I would be regretting it that afternoon but my stomach needed something to calm it down. But when I got back to my desk I joined Yelp and wrote a horrible review about their salchicha torta. “A damn lie”, is what I put, “however the frescas was great.” Lesson learned: when you order ask if salchicha actually translates to hot dog. I can’t say I won’t go back because perhaps their other selections are better but I just might try another one first. But on a better note joining Yelp gave me some super sweet deal tickets to the Dodger vs Giants game, access to the stadium club and 20% off the merch store, so I guess that lunch wasn’t all bad.

Nature connection of the day: Check out this Bad-A squid