I know it seems ridiculous to want a private jet because
it’s a huge waste of money and resources but when it takes all day to fly
across the US you start to wonder if the rich people have it all figured out.
The reason people buy cheap tickets is because they have limited funds and
can’t afford the extra $200 it takes to purchase a non-stop flight but these
airlines are apparently bent to make the poor people suffer for budget flights.
Here is my tale of woe:
At 8am central time I left the Northwest Florida Regional
Airport, which is this small little airport with one terminal and two gates.
The first leg of my flight was to Charlotte, NC where I had a short layover of
about 45min. The seat I had was one row behind the emergency exit and I had the
window seat which was the usual cramped space but it was also incredibly cold,
even with my wool pea coat wrapped around my body I was still shivering. I once
asked an attendant why they no longer have blankets and pillows and she said it
was because of the swine flu. Ok……….so every other time there was the flu
season it was fine to provide the infected blankets. But once it’s labeled
after an animal it becomes more dangerous. If only the Natives had been told
they were exposed to Buffalo pox instead of small pox, then maybe they wouldn’t
have taken those blankets. But you know you has disease free blankets and
pillows? First class, all wrapped in plastic bags sitting on their seats just
waiting to be opened.
After dozing on and off through the ride I arrived at
Charlotte and had just enough time to make it to my next gate for boarding. This
is when I’m incredibly thankful I packed a bunch of food, since I didn’t really
eat much breakfast on the way out and the snack boxes for purchase are reserved
for when you are so desperate for food you think you might pass out if you
don’t pack more in your stomach than free beverages and a snack mixes that is
usually protein free since this peanut allergy is out of control. I actually
had one flight specifically ask that passengers try and refrain from eating any
peanut products on the plane and my pilot aunt said they have even discussed
having peanut free seating. RIDIC!!!!
The next leg of my flight was to Chicago O’hare and this is
where I move up to the roomy seating for the remainder of the journey. For
whatever reason when I checked in online they happened to have the exit row
seats open and available for no additional cost. Feeling like I had hit the
jackpot, I picked the exit row for my 2 remaining seats and these were the
AWESOME exit rows where they have extra room for the jump seat so your legs
can’t even touch the seats in front of you. AND these seats even lean back
which is usually not the case for the emergency row. OH! I was in coach class
heaven. I had so much leg room I could actually stretch out and rest my feet on
the jump seat ottoman style. And even better, no one was sitting next to me. It
was luxury from here on out.
Once at Chicago I again had a small window to make my next
flight but had enough time to buy an overpriced salad of iceberg lettuce, a few
raw onion rings, 3 cucumber slices and one olive. As I was scarfing down my
salad I looked at the ticket counter and saw that the flight read PHOENIX, AZ.
Wait…………..WHAT!?!?! I’m going to Portland, OR……………..am I at the wrong gate? I
quickly check my ticket and the flight numbers match, to double check I look up
my itinerary and notice that I have a stopover in Phoenix. HOW did I MISS that?
SERIOUSLY!!!! Oh…………….I thought I was almost home, only to realize the bargain
ticket I bought had slipped in this incredibly unnecessary detour. And this is
a stop off where we don’t get off the plane!!!! At least I had the exit row to
seat again, I board and take my place on the aisle seat and notice that the
other seat in my row is empty. YES!!! Once again a comfy flight. But wait,
where is that incredibly large man going to sit? Yep, right next to me. Now
this wouldn’t have been too bad had the guy just been tall but he was also wide
and there I was stuck between being smothered by his oversized triceps or
having my shoulder constantly bumped by the attendants and service carts. I had
to spend the flight at this weird angle in my seat to use of my arms but kept
my shoulder out of harm’s way. Needless to say this flight down was less than
pleasant and my legs and hips were starting to ache from all the sitting.
In our 30min stop in Phoenix I stood the entire break and
stretched a bit to get ready for the last leg of the flight. By now I was
getting to the point of desperation for food and ate the last of my snacks
hoping it would tie me over till I hit the tarmac in Oregon. The next guy
sitting next to me was tall but much thinner so I could actually sit normal in
the seat but he smelled as if he hadn’t washed is underwear in 3 days and woke
up on a park bench that morning to head home. By the end of this flight I was
in pain and nauseous. I basically ran out of the airport to the fresh air. My
stomach was on the verge of upchuck from the stale smells and turbulence of the
flights. I landed at 7:42pm pacific time, in total it took me over 12hrs to get
home.
Now can you see how if I had a personal jet how many of
these issues would be solved? I would never be hot or cold because I could set
the temperature to my preference. Or have easily accessible blankets. I would
never go hungry or thirsty because the plane would be stocked with food and
drink. My legs and hips wouldn’t go numb since I’d have a bed I could lay on or
perhaps a couch. There would be plenty of room for everyone to sit. I wouldn’t
be bombarded by rank smells or diseased breath. My flight across country would
definitely take less than 12 hours. The plane would have a table to have meals,
play cards, chat with friends and a TV for inflight entertainment. I’d also
have a disco ball and lights just in case I wanted an impromptu dance party and
I would always offer to take my friends with me so I wouldn’t waste the space
or I’d let them use it at any time.
I think I might uploaded a Kickstarter fund for this.
Kaliska’s Private Jet………….yeah, this will work.
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