Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Why I need a leer jet.

I know it seems ridiculous to want a private jet because it’s a huge waste of money and resources but when it takes all day to fly across the US you start to wonder if the rich people have it all figured out. The reason people buy cheap tickets is because they have limited funds and can’t afford the extra $200 it takes to purchase a non-stop flight but these airlines are apparently bent to make the poor people suffer for budget flights.

Here is my tale of woe:

At 8am central time I left the Northwest Florida Regional Airport, which is this small little airport with one terminal and two gates. The first leg of my flight was to Charlotte, NC where I had a short layover of about 45min. The seat I had was one row behind the emergency exit and I had the window seat which was the usual cramped space but it was also incredibly cold, even with my wool pea coat wrapped around my body I was still shivering. I once asked an attendant why they no longer have blankets and pillows and she said it was because of the swine flu. Ok……….so every other time there was the flu season it was fine to provide the infected blankets. But once it’s labeled after an animal it becomes more dangerous. If only the Natives had been told they were exposed to Buffalo pox instead of small pox, then maybe they wouldn’t have taken those blankets. But you know you has disease free blankets and pillows? First class, all wrapped in plastic bags sitting on their seats just waiting to be opened.  

After dozing on and off through the ride I arrived at Charlotte and had just enough time to make it to my next gate for boarding. This is when I’m incredibly thankful I packed a bunch of food, since I didn’t really eat much breakfast on the way out and the snack boxes for purchase are reserved for when you are so desperate for food you think you might pass out if you don’t pack more in your stomach than free beverages and a snack mixes that is usually protein free since this peanut allergy is out of control. I actually had one flight specifically ask that passengers try and refrain from eating any peanut products on the plane and my pilot aunt said they have even discussed having peanut free seating. RIDIC!!!!

The next leg of my flight was to Chicago O’hare and this is where I move up to the roomy seating for the remainder of the journey. For whatever reason when I checked in online they happened to have the exit row seats open and available for no additional cost. Feeling like I had hit the jackpot, I picked the exit row for my 2 remaining seats and these were the AWESOME exit rows where they have extra room for the jump seat so your legs can’t even touch the seats in front of you. AND these seats even lean back which is usually not the case for the emergency row. OH! I was in coach class heaven. I had so much leg room I could actually stretch out and rest my feet on the jump seat ottoman style. And even better, no one was sitting next to me. It was luxury from here on out.

Once at Chicago I again had a small window to make my next flight but had enough time to buy an overpriced salad of iceberg lettuce, a few raw onion rings, 3 cucumber slices and one olive. As I was scarfing down my salad I looked at the ticket counter and saw that the flight read PHOENIX, AZ. Wait…………..WHAT!?!?! I’m going to Portland, OR……………..am I at the wrong gate? I quickly check my ticket and the flight numbers match, to double check I look up my itinerary and notice that I have a stopover in Phoenix. HOW did I MISS that? SERIOUSLY!!!! Oh…………….I thought I was almost home, only to realize the bargain ticket I bought had slipped in this incredibly unnecessary detour. And this is a stop off where we don’t get off the plane!!!! At least I had the exit row to seat again, I board and take my place on the aisle seat and notice that the other seat in my row is empty. YES!!! Once again a comfy flight. But wait, where is that incredibly large man going to sit? Yep, right next to me. Now this wouldn’t have been too bad had the guy just been tall but he was also wide and there I was stuck between being smothered by his oversized triceps or having my shoulder constantly bumped by the attendants and service carts. I had to spend the flight at this weird angle in my seat to use of my arms but kept my shoulder out of harm’s way. Needless to say this flight down was less than pleasant and my legs and hips were starting to ache from all the sitting.

In our 30min stop in Phoenix I stood the entire break and stretched a bit to get ready for the last leg of the flight. By now I was getting to the point of desperation for food and ate the last of my snacks hoping it would tie me over till I hit the tarmac in Oregon. The next guy sitting next to me was tall but much thinner so I could actually sit normal in the seat but he smelled as if he hadn’t washed is underwear in 3 days and woke up on a park bench that morning to head home. By the end of this flight I was in pain and nauseous. I basically ran out of the airport to the fresh air. My stomach was on the verge of upchuck from the stale smells and turbulence of the flights. I landed at 7:42pm pacific time, in total it took me over 12hrs to get home.

Now can you see how if I had a personal jet how many of these issues would be solved? I would never be hot or cold because I could set the temperature to my preference. Or have easily accessible blankets. I would never go hungry or thirsty because the plane would be stocked with food and drink. My legs and hips wouldn’t go numb since I’d have a bed I could lay on or perhaps a couch. There would be plenty of room for everyone to sit. I wouldn’t be bombarded by rank smells or diseased breath. My flight across country would definitely take less than 12 hours. The plane would have a table to have meals, play cards, chat with friends and a TV for inflight entertainment. I’d also have a disco ball and lights just in case I wanted an impromptu dance party and I would always offer to take my friends with me so I wouldn’t waste the space or I’d let them use it at any time.

I think I might uploaded a Kickstarter fund for this. Kaliska’s Private Jet………….yeah, this will work.

I kind of like this one.

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