Thursday, October 11, 2012

Campaign Against Skinny Jeans

I am impatiently awaiting for the fashion of skinny jeans to be over. Last night I was at a concert at the Greek Theatre which I realize is the ant hill of hipsters and so shouldn’t be surprised when I see a grown man in an oversized cream sweater with red skinny jeans rolled up to look like capris but I am still confused by the appeal. I just have a couple questions: (1) Why do you want to dress in such a way I have to look at your face to see if you are really a man because the rest of your outfit screams feminine. (2) Why do you want to advertise that you are skinny? Since when was looking like a scarecrow become an attractive male form? I get that tight pants are not a new concept in our culture I mean most athletes where tight fitting clothing but I believe this is so their clothing doesn’t impair their movement or get caught in a bike spoke and let’s be honest they have some nice items to show off, mainly muscles that are big in all the right places. I mean….. is the reason I go to the ballet because I really love the dancing, Yes, but do I also enjoy the fact that the men are in tights and they’re firm butts are so nicely packaged I feel like I’m looking at a sweet piece of candy ready to have a bite taken out of? And football………do I really care which team wins, maybe if I have a bet on the line, but when they do close up shots of the field and the fabric is stretched over their cut quads I can’t help but cheer for better camera angles and I don’t remember which team decided they should put a line of accent color down the back of their pants but the contours of their legs suddenly become a landscape I would like to see out my window every morning. But somehow this just doesn’t translate into skin hugging jeans. When bigger men wear skinny jeans it just looks silly. Like they’re trying to fit into their sisters borrowed wardrobe because they incidentally lost every article of clothing in a fire and ran out of clothes options. And when the skinny boy wears them all I think is, “Does he know we have protein to eat?” But a friend of mine made an inquisitive point, “Doesn’t it hurt the man parts?” One would think if there was something in the way, these constrictive linens would be all the more bothersome. I had a friend from high school state once, “You know why cowboys don’t have kids? Cause their jeans keep the juice from flowing.” Perhaps there is some truth to this statement. And this has given me a valid purpose for those skinny jeans. Ladies, if a guy is able to wear this 2nd layer of skin fabrics then perhaps the goods he has aren’t quite the grade A quality we are looking for? I can now see this as a prescreening process and a quicker process of elimination. I now thank you men in skinny jeans; it has given me a quick way to weed through the “haves” and “have nots”. So carry on men, wear your hip hugging pants and thank you for making the social dating pool easier to select from.

But let’s discuss Olympic Swimwear, I feel this is a topic we can ALL enjoy


  1. yes it's not good to look at, but the upswing is that "keeping the juice from flowing" from these guys is a good thing - an apple falling not far from that tree is a detriment to society ;)

  2. i am in tears right now....thank you so much for that!