Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Bum in the cupboard

Do you guys remember reading that classic children's book 'Indian in the cupboard'? The one about the boy that meets a little Indian in the cupboard and they become BFF's and have great adventures together? ..........................What?!? You mean you never read that book? Well don't worry because i didn't either in fact all i really remember is the cover of the book where there is this little Indian peaking out of a cupboard and looking at the young boy. I'm not really sure why the Indian was in the cupboard, i would think if you were an Indian you'd be in a tree or in the grass or even under the bed. That seems a more likely spot for an Indian. Well if you don't like to read  you are in luck cause they made a movie out of it and I'm going to guess it probably has a 3 tomato rating.
But my story is not about an Indian or Native American if we are to be a little more PC about this classification. My story is about the bum in my cupboard. Yes folks, I indeed have my very own bum in my cupboard to take on my many adventures as long as he doesn't smell too bad. This morning as i was getting ready to leave for work i thought to myself, "Self, you should take that wood out of the back of your car." Yes, i frequently carry large logs in my trunk just in case i need to build a fire to stay warm, or furnish a canoe to paddle out to see or across a big lake but mostly i have wood in my car because i held a bonfire Saturday night and had left over pieces. But rest assured if i had to fashion a canoe i could do it, it's in my Indian blood. Or perhaps some little canoe shoes as these logs weren't big enough to make a full size canoe. So, i decided the best place to put these canoe shoe logs is in my cupboard in my carport, after all i don't really need wood in my house because i have no fireplace and i don't have a need for a stool because i don't live in the forest, i own chairs and a couch.
i open my cupboard and i see that there is a radio looking device, like an old CD player or something and i think, "well that's weird, this cupboard is supposed to be empty" then i look a little to my left and notice a twin mattress set, box spring and all and then i notice the movement of a foot. "HOLY CRAP THERE IS A BUM SLEEPING IN MY CUPBOARD" i quickly shut the door and wonder what i should do. Should i call the police? Should i call the HOA? Should i call the owner of my condo? Should i run upstairs and get the locks in my house and lock the guy in there as a mean but hilarious prank? i decide to do none of these and just stack the wood in the corner of my carport.
Now you might be saying to yourself "Are you freaking nuts Kaliska? There is a man literally living in your carport. He is trespassing on property. You should really call someone and report him." And yes this thought has also crossed my mind but this is what I'm thinking. "Dude, this man is so hard up he is literally living in a carport cupboard because he apparently has nowhere else to go." I have no idea how long he has been living there, for all i know it could be months and if i were to guess i think he might be the guy that was living in our laundry room for a time.
Times are tough and a man needs his domain, even if it is shelved up in a strange carport that belongs to someone else. So far i don't think he's caused any harm. i haven't noticed an increase in theft or drug trafficking, as far as i can tell the guy is pretty harmless, kind of like the lady that was living in the carport 2 down from mine.
My friend told me i could adopt him as my pet. take him for walks, leave him some food and water, make him do tricks for a snack. but if i have to bathe or groom him i don't think i can handle that kind of responsibility, that's too much. he might have fleas or worms and i just don't have that kind of time to dedicate to a needy pet.
Anyway, i might perhaps maybe call the HOA and say, "hey there's a dude living in my cupboard. do you think you can check his expiration date? i don't know the shelf life of a human but i don't really want him to start smelling up the neighborhood." But in other good news the squatter that was sneaking into the condo below me through the unsecured window is now gone. the new owners of the condo started doing demo work and i talked to the guy and said, "He FYI there was a homeless dude living in here." "Oh, i threw his stuff out yesterday. i think he got the message" and now that i think about it, maybe HE'S the one in my cupboard. Resourceful fellow.
I guess we'll see how this plays out, maybe he heard me this morning and has decided to move to a different carport or find a different abandoned condo to go live in but i wish him no harm. if i were homeless i might just sleep in a carport cupboard, in fact that is a pretty ingenious spot, I'll have to keep that in mind if i perchance end up without a couch to sleep on and all my friends and family magically disappear when the mother ship comes down to collect us and i happen to be in the bathroom because i drank too much "Kick-a-Poo" soda and in fear of peeing my pants just had to find a near by toilet to relieve myself. I mean this is just worse case scenario here, but i need to definitely have a back up plan.

And just a fun fact: Here is where marshmallows are made.

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