Well ladies and gentlemen Superman has officially retired to be an employee at the Coin Laundry in Pomona, CA. How do I know this? Well because that’s where I wash my underwear and I talked to the man himself. See as it so happens I pretty much have to do a load of laundry at least once a week (can’t be wearing crusty chonies) and I was down at my standard laundry place and the attendant looking after the place was this middle aged Caucasian man with dark hair starting to gray at the temples just above the ears. He was wearing a pretty non-descript wardrobe; white t-shirt, faded jeans, and tennis shoes. I was standing at the washing machine reading my study material for work and he comes up and starts chatting, asking if I wanted the channel on the TV changed, I told him it was fine because I wasn’t watching it anyway and he says, “Well I’m going to turn it to Biggest Loser when it comes on, I like that show.” He then went about his business of emptying the coin catchers, sweeping the floor and wiping down the machines. He walked by a couple of times and once asking if I was cold cause I was in shorts and it was cold outside and that he was cold cause he was just in a t-shirt and that he forgot to bring his jacket. I think he was excited that someone else in the Laundromat spoke English. But I didn’t think Superman ever needed a jacket; couldn’t he just warm his skin whenever he wanted? Or perhaps that was part of his cover; he wanted to appear like everyone else.
When it came time to dry my clothes I walked over to the dryers and was trying to figure out if perhaps one dried better than another and if it was the one that was less used. And once again Superman came to my rescue, “Do you know how to use these machines? They’re they good ones to use cause they have more air circulation. See you just have to make sure you clean out the lint trap.” And so he bends over to clean out the trap on the bottom dryer and there it is, his secret identity revealed. There on the blue band of his underwear were the words “MAN OF STEEL” HA!! I caught him, here he thought he could live out his days of retirement in secrecy and peace but I know better. Now I know if I need a tank or bus moved I just have to head down the street and call on Superman the mild mannered laundry attendant. But what would have been even more helpful is if he told me that on one wall the dryers ran for 9min but on the other wall they ran for 10min which means I would have gotten and extra minute of drying for my quarter spent on heated air. Next time I just might ask him to blow on my panties and have them dried in an instant and save that 25 cents to buy an awesome piece of gold jewelry in the little red vending machines, like a pinky ring that makes me look “pimp tight”.
